I’ve been having bowel movement problems ever since I went to Baguio. I don’t know what started it. For a while I thought I was eating too much fiber which can cause hard bowels painful to expel. When I went back to Manila, the painful bowel remained. I usually have LBM so constipation is a new thing to me. Well I thought it was constipation but it seems like my lower intestine tries to expel even when there is nothing to expel anymore. It’s baffling but I started drinking and eating whatever gave me the runs before and it worked for a time. Yesterday the nonexistent poop is at it again and my lower intestine keeps on trying to expel it. I now spend an hour in the loo because of this and my anus is in pain. It even bleeds sometimes. So I went to the ER, hoping they can figure out what is going on but the doctor just gave me a hemorrhoid ointment to ease the pain and she told me to make an appointment with a Gastro doctor. So here I am, it’s past 3 AM and my anus is still very painful. I was supposed to make a presentation for my little business but my anus won’t have none of that. So I’m in pain, sad, and cursing my bowels.
I went to two of my shrinks (yes I have 2 now!!!) yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t expecting anything. I thought I was okay. But when I was talking with shrink #1…BAM! She was able to pull out from me the reason why I’ve been depressed almost all my life which is I don’t love myself. I am vain sometimes, I worry about my appearance. But those do not mean I care about myself. Well, that’s according to her and I think it rings true. I just do not care about my health. I do not care if I die young. She said that I need to learn how to love and accept myself. I asked her how but she said she can’t answer that for me because it needs to come from me. *groans*. As I stared at her blankly, she told me to buy a self-affirmation book and learn from it. The loving self business will take time, she said. I have to stop being my own worst enemy, she said. Only then will I be able to find my purpose in life, my passion, what I want to live for.
I was so exhausted after our 1 hour session that during my time with shrink #2 I just sat dumbly. Very spent.
I still am overwhelmed but I got myself a self-help book from Booksale Makati Cinema Square. I read a few pages and it’s cognitive therapy for depressives like me. The book looks promising and from what I’ve read, involves a lot of introspection which I hate to do. If it will really help me I’ll definitely try to do the activities in the book.
Oh help me, God.
After being Pagan for more than a decade, I’m a practicing Roman Catholic again. You might be wondering why I turned back to God. You may call me a sheep but what’s wrong with that? Sheep are cute!
There’s no complicated story here. I’ve been a prepper since mid last year but I was prepping for a devastation of the physical nature. I saw that times are really changing for the worse and I was (still am) sure that a disaster of a catastrophic proportion will occur in the near future. Remember Typhoon Ondoy? Well something like that, or maybe more. So I started building up my bug-out-bag and stocking up on food, water, etc. I tried to stay informed by reading alternative news sites (commonly known as conspiracy theory nuts but I disagree with that derogatory image) such as Info Wars and Vigilant Citizen and these kept me up to date to some of the schemes of the diabolical New World Order (NWO). I read the Left Behind series, a fictional series about the Second Coming, a few years back and although NWO was talked about in the book, I decided not to dwell on the Second Coming. It was too scary to think about, I thought. I decided back then that if, like what happened in the book, the sudden disappearance of hundreds of true believers of Christ happens, that’s when I will turn back to God and just hope that it’s not too late. Well I returned sooner than I thought.
After being out of touch with a friend, we happened to discover that both of us were preparing. The only difference between our preps was that she was also prepping her soul. I listened and digested what she shared with me like the prophecies of Maria Divine Mercy and other miracles like the one in Lourdes, Akita, Garabandal, Padre Pio, etc. They shared the same messages but lived in different times so that made me think even more. Before I met up with that friend I’ve been praying the lovely rosary I bought from the Vatican from this year’s trip but perhaps those prayers made a difference in my perspective.
I used to detest talks about religion but that night I listened. A night’s conversation didn’t instantly turn me back, no miracle happened. I just began to connect the dots. Maria Divine Mercy talks about the plans of the New World Order and I am SURE they exist. I was already prepping so I thought why not also do some prepping for my soul. It took weeks of thinking, praying, reading, and soul searching until I finally went to confession. It was only that night that I felt God’s presence again. There was no flash boom bang but I knew he forgave my sins. I knew I needed to reconnect to God but didn’t know exactly how even if I went to a Catholic school for 11 years. I went on a 3-day retreat somewhere in Quezon City and during those days, I felt his presence more. It wasn’t a lot yet, my heart was rock hard, but the calcification was chipping away because of Jesus’ help.
I have a looooooong way to go. I am and will always be a sinner but I’m trying my best to follow God’s Will through the Holy Spirit’s guidance. It’s not easy. I think a lot of my friends will make fun of me after they read this entry but I don’t care anymore, but I will still pray for them. I want to stand up for what I believe in and one of those beliefs is that Judgement Day is near and that we should turn back to God in order to enter His Kingdom. I have to let go of certain luxuries and desires (like getting a tattoo) because none of those would matter during the Retribution. I still have so much to learn but I’m being guided a little. Mostly I rely on fate and faith.
If you are stuck in between but are already thinking about how the world is, pray to Jesus to have your eyes opened and for the gift of discernment if you have doubts about the prophets/visionaries you read. Who knows, maybe you will hear Jesus’ answer.
Since I haven’t been doing much lately and I wanted to take up a craft again, I decided to unearth my tatting kit. It is old. I think I began tatting when I was in college after seeing a display of tatted crosses at DMC in Megamall. They didn’t sell any tools, only threads. Then Craft World opened in Robinsons Galleria and I saw that they sell shuttles, needles, books, and threads for tatting. I bought my first shuttle and a couple of threads, printed tutorials from Geocities >.< , then self-taught myself. I just kept on doing bookmarks since I read a lot and they’re pretty easy to make. I wanted to learn needle tatting but I was a poor student then and didn’t have money for needle tatting lessons.
Tatting is a delicate craft. It’s painstakingly slow and you need good lighting and eyesight. You have to be really patient but the result is worth it. I myself couldn’t believe my gorilla hands can produce such delicate crafts.
I couldn’t find my old works. They’re stuck inside books I haven’t opened for ages. My works looked better then but with practice I’ll be better.
Well these are my friend Dale Marquez’s suggestions at the very least. I’ve seen some of them already – back when I was young, for film classes back in college, during film festivals, and some with friends or on my own. Here is his list but I might add a title or two. Titles in italics mean I’ve seen them.
- 2001 A Space Odyssey
- Let The Right One In
- The 39 Steps
- Pierrot Le Fou
- Take Shelter
- The 400 Blows
- An Education
- Donnie Darko
- 13 Samurais
- Blue Velvet
- Billy Liar
- THX 1138
- Punch Drunk Love – and I hated it
- Heavenly Creatures
- Stranger Than Fiction
- Claire’s Knee
- The Party
- Man On Wire
- The Red Balloon
- Lost In Translation
- Le Samourai
- Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
- Le Bonheur
- All About Lily Chou-chou
- The Passenger
- Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown
- Mary And Max
- Peeping Tom
- Some Kind Of Wonderful
- Funky Forest Continue reading