The root cause of my depression

December 20, 2013

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I went to two of my shrinks (yes I have 2 now!!!) yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t expecting anything. I thought I was okay. But when I was talking with shrink #1…BAM! She was able to pull out from me the reason why I’ve been depressed almost all my life which is I don’t love myself. I am vain sometimes, I worry about my appearance. But those do not mean I care about myself. Well, that’s according to her and I think it rings true. I just do not care about my health. I do not care if I die young. She said that I need to learn how to love and accept myself. I asked her how but she said she can’t answer that for me because it needs to come from me. *groans*. As I stared at her blankly, she told me to buy a self-affirmation book and learn from it. The loving self business will take time, she said. I have to stop being my own worst enemy, she said. Only then will I be able to find my purpose in life, my passion, what I want to live for.

I was so exhausted after our 1 hour session that during my time with shrink #2 I just sat dumbly. Very spent.

I still am overwhelmed but I got myself a self-help book from Booksale Makati Cinema Square. I read a few pages and it’s cognitive therapy for depressives like me. The book looks promising and from what I’ve read, involves a lot of introspection which I hate to do. If it will really help me I’ll definitely try to do the activities in the book.

Oh help me, God.

I’ve returned to His flock

August 12, 2013

After being Pagan for more than a decade, I’m a practicing Roman Catholic again. You might be wondering why I turned back to God. You may call me a sheep but what’s wrong with that? Sheep are cute!

sheep

There’s no complicated story here. I’ve been a prepper since mid last year but I was prepping for a devastation of the physical nature. I saw that times are really changing for the worse and I was (still am) sure that a disaster of a catastrophic proportion will occur in the near future. Remember Typhoon Ondoy? Well something like that, or maybe more. So I started building up my bug-out-bag and stocking up on food, water, etc. I tried to stay informed by reading alternative news sites (commonly known as conspiracy theory nuts but I disagree with that derogatory image) such as Info Wars and Vigilant Citizen and these kept me up to date to some of the schemes of the diabolical New World Order (NWO). I read the Left Behind series, a fictional series about the Second Coming, a few years back and although NWO was talked about in the book, I decided not to dwell on the Second Coming. It was too scary to think about, I thought. I decided back then that if, like what happened in the book, the sudden disappearance of hundreds of true believers of Christ happens, that’s when I will turn back to God and just hope that it’s not too late. Well I returned sooner than I thought.

After being out of touch with a friend, we happened to discover that both of us were preparing. The only difference between our preps was that she was also prepping her soul. I listened and digested what she shared with me like the prophecies of Maria Divine Mercy and other miracles like the one in Lourdes, Akita, Garabandal, Padre Pio, etc. They shared the same messages but lived in different times so that made me think even more. Before I met up with that friend I’ve been praying the lovely rosary I bought from the Vatican from this year’s trip but perhaps those prayers made a difference in my perspective.

I used to detest talks about religion but that night I listened. A night’s conversation didn’t instantly turn me back, no miracle happened. I just began to connect the dots. Maria Divine Mercy talks about the plans of the New World Order and I am SURE they exist. I was already prepping so I thought why not also do some prepping for my soul. It took weeks of thinking, praying, reading, and soul searching until I finally went to confession. It was only that night that I felt God’s presence again. There was no flash boom bang but I knew he forgave my sins. I knew I needed to reconnect to God but didn’t know exactly how even if I went to a Catholic school for 11 years. I went on a 3-day retreat somewhere in Quezon City and during those days, I felt his presence more. It wasn’t a lot yet, my heart was rock hard, but the calcification was chipping away because of Jesus’ help.

I have a looooooong way to go. I am and will always be a sinner but I’m trying my best to follow God’s Will through the Holy Spirit’s guidance. It’s not easy. I think a lot of my friends will make fun of me after they read this entry but I don’t care anymore, but I will still pray for them. I want to stand up for what I believe in and one of those beliefs is that Judgement Day is near and that we should turn back to God in order to enter His Kingdom. I have to let go of certain luxuries and desires (like getting a tattoo) because none of those would matter during the Retribution. I still have so much to learn but I’m being guided a little. Mostly I rely on fate and faith.

If you are stuck in between but are already thinking about how the world is, pray to Jesus to have your eyes opened and for the gift of discernment if you have doubts about the prophets/visionaries you read. Who knows, maybe you will hear Jesus’ answer.

jesus

The joy of tatting

June 24, 2013

Since I haven’t been doing much lately and I wanted to take up a craft again, I decided to unearth my tatting kit. It is old. I think I began tatting when I was in college after seeing a display of tatted crosses at DMC in Megamall. They didn’t sell any tools, only threads. Then Craft World opened in Robinsons Galleria and I saw that they sell shuttles, needles, books, and threads for tatting. I bought my first shuttle and a couple of threads, printed tutorials from Geocities >.< , then self-taught myself. I just kept on doing bookmarks since I read a lot and they’re pretty easy to make. I wanted to learn needle tatting but I was a poor student then and didn’t have money for needle tatting lessons.

My So-Called Life lunchbox which I use as a tatting kit

My So-Called Life lunchbox which I use as a tatting kit

Tatting is a delicate craft. It’s painstakingly slow and you need good lighting and eyesight. You have to be really patient but the result is worth it. I myself couldn’t believe my gorilla hands can produce such delicate crafts.

1/3 finished

1/3 finished

I finished this tonight but goofed up the base of the cross

I finished this tonight but goofed up the base of the cross

I couldn’t find my old works. They’re stuck inside books I haven’t opened for ages. My works looked better then but with practice I’ll be better.

 

Movies I Need To Watch Before I Die

December 21, 2012

Well these are my friend Dale Marquez’s suggestions at the very least. I’ve seen some of them already – back when I was young, for film classes back in college, during film festivals, and some with friends or on my own. Here is his list but I might add a title or two. Titles in italics mean I’ve seen them.

  • 2001 A Space Odyssey
  • Let The Right One In
  • The 39 Steps
  • Pierrot Le Fou
  • 2046
  • Take Shelter
  • Memento
  • The 400 Blows
  • An Education
  • Volver
  • Donnie Darko
  • 13 Samurais
  • Blue Velvet
  • Billy Liar
  • THX 1138
  • Solaris
  • Punch Drunk Love – and I hated it
  • Malena
  • Heavenly Creatures
  • Stranger Than Fiction
  • Claire’s Knee
  • The Party
  • Man On Wire
  • The Red Balloon
  • Lost In Translation
  • Playtime
  • Le Samourai
  • Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
  • Le Bonheur
  • Blow-Up
  • All About Lily Chou-chou
  • Rec
  • The Passenger
  • Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown
  • Gummo
  • Vertigo
  • Mary And Max
  • Peeping Tom
  • Some Kind Of Wonderful
  • Funky Forest Read the rest of this entry »

OHAI! Why can’t I stop watching this video? (NSFW)

December 6, 2012

Meet Tonetta, your friendly neighborhood sicko who can give Buffalo Bill a run for his money.

YouTube Preview Image

He has 288 Youtube videos of himself singing and dancing to his own compositions. Almost all recorded from his Toronto apartment. Tonetta is not exactly a shock artist or maybe I just don’t find his videos and lyrics shocking. He is just kind of creepy and I would stay clear of him if he happens to be my neighbor lest he thinks my skin is nice and supple.

Pressure Zone lyrics

I can’t wait to put it in my mouth,
up my crack, in my ass,
I’m so horny I can choke and choke, on a cock tonight.

So men, whip it out,
make me bleed,
scream and shout.
Yeah men, show me what it’s all about
Question, when in doubt.

Hey men get it pass that pressure zone
Put that bone yeah, drive it in.
I’m so hot, oh, need a cock.
I got to guide that rocket

I can’t wait to put it in my mouth,
up my crack, in my ass.
I’m so horny I can choke and choke, on a cock tonight.

Yeah, bring it, I like it. Cream in me… feels so nice.

Hey men get it pass that pressure zone
Whoop that bone, drive it in
I’m so hot, oh, need a cock
I got to guide that rocket

I cant wait to put it in my mouth,
up my crack, in my ass.
I’m so horny I can choke and choke on a cock tonight.
I’m so horny I can choke and choke on a cock tonight.
Oh I’m so horny I can choke and choke on a cock tonight
on the cock right now (right now)
on the cock right now
oh I’m so horny
Yeah I’m so horny
oo I’m so horny
Oh I could suck a cock right now
Yeah I could suck a cock right now
Oh I could suck a cock right now.

Acacia Hotel, an unexpected warmth in Alabang’s business district

November 21, 2012
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A welcome note and card was waiting for me in the room

I was recently invited to spend a night at Acacia Hotel in Alabang. I hardly go to the South so I wasn’t aware about the hotel until I received the invite. I decided to go on a weekend to avoid the SLEX traffic but the drive there took me an hour because I kept on getting lost, no thanks to my Waze iOS app. Good thing my friend Eloisa was with me to serve as a navigator. When we finally found Acacia Hotel, we were happy that it’s so near Alabang commercial areas. Right beside it are food establishments and a few block away is Alabang Town Center and Festival Mall.

The Lobby

I was awestruck with the expansive lobby which features glass walls and richly upholstered chairs. There is a front lobby and a back lobby, both offering picturesque views of Alabang. Food is available in the area for those who don’t want buffet meals.

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the glass walls of the lobby

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the lovely chairs in the lobby

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the massive wall sculpture in the lobby

There is also Wine Buffet and Beer Buffet at the Lobby everyday from 5 PM to 9 PM. For P495+ you may enjoy unlimited wine selections. Beer Buffet is P459+ you may enjoy ice-cold beer and pair it up with à la carte tapas.

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the selections for the wine buffet

Reception Area

While checking in, guests are offered to partake light snacks and drinks free of charge. Checking in was a breeze for us and the receptionists were able to answer all our questions.

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photo from the Acacia Hotel website because I forgot to take a photo of the front desk

Acaci

The Acaci is the main dining area where daily breakfast, lunch, and dinner buffets are served. The huge dining area is bright, airy and spacious enough for ample elbow room during the usually crowded breakfast buffet. Local and international cuisines are served every time. I was only able to try the breakfast buffet but the food selection was more than enough. There were Filipino, Asian, and Western food. They also have a good selection of imported cheeses. It was too bad I was suffering from a bad stomach from the oysters I ate at nearby Melo’s the night before.

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Acaci

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the breakfast crowd

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a good choice of imported yoghurt were served for breakfast

Function Rooms

Acacia Hotel has many functions rooms to suit different purposes from small business or organization meetings, to full-blown weddings and parties. All of the function rooms offer the following equipment:

During our brief tour of the hotel we were shown some of the available function rooms which come in different sizes, according to the needs of the guests.

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the hotel’s function rooms and its capacities

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A small function room in a round table configuration

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small function with U-shape configuration

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Grand Ballroom set up for a party

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several of this unique chandelier are all over the Grand Ballroom

Mezzanine

When we were there, a wedding was being set up at the mezzanine. It is outdoor and offers a good view of Alabang.

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a good location for a wedding

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From the third floor mezzanine, guests can see Alabang skyscrapers

The Pool

The hotel pool is also on the same floor as the mezzanine but there is still privacy for the swimmers because guest rooms and other rooms block the view from the mezzanine to the pool.

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photo taken from the hotel’s website

There are two pools (children’s pool and a small lap pool) and 1 jacuzzi. It can get very windy in the pool area but it is still very relaxing. I loved the comfortable lounge chairs which look like wood but are actually plastic.

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hotel guests enjoying the pool

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the jacuzzi is located in a more secluded section

Eloisa and I swam at night to avoid the sun. I love the effect of the blue light in the pools.

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the blue light makes it more enticing to swim

The Gym

The gym is right beside the mezzanine. I think it makes some private functions in the mezzanine awkward because of the strangers watching from the gym. The gym is packed with state-of-the-art LifeFitness equipment.

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some of the machines

Our Room

We were given a Junior Suites room. Junior Suites are corner rooms which are bigger than the Deluxe Rooms. We stayed at room 912 and this room offered us a stunning view of Alabang. Guests immediately notice the welcome note when they enter the room. In my case, I was given a welcome card and personalized stationery with the hotel’s letterhead for personal use. Fresh fruits welcomed us as well and when we returned at night, yummy desserts greeted us back when we came back when we dined out.

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what greeted me when I opened the door

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the king size bed which they dubbed the Dream Bed

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sofa, a small breakfast nook, and big picture windows

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a desk for the traveling business…or blogger. The room has free WiFi

The colors used in the room are different shades of brown and other earthy colors in keeping up with the “acacia” theme. The room is big enough for two but it might be too crowded for 3 people. Acacia Hotel is still in the process of constructing larger rooms (Executive Suite, Bridal Suite, and Presidential Suite) which might be completed by next year. Construction was going on during our stay but the rooms have good soundproofing that considerably muffled the sound of nearby activities outside the room.

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big American Standard tub

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sink and toiletries

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Pure Herbs toiletries smell really good

The bathroom is spacious with the bath tub separate from the glass-enclosed shower area. I would have preferred a bigger counter though. I love the toiletries this hotel uses. I’ve been to so many hotels where the scent of toiletries are masculine which made me resort to bringing my shampoo, conditioner and soap. Pure Herbs, the brand Acacia Hotel uses, is more unisex when it comes to scent.

My favorite thing in the room is the “dream bed.” Acacia uses orthopedic memory foam mattresses which follow the contour of the body and support the posture to reduce any pressure points while at rest. They also use luxurious sheets with 500 thread counts of soft cotton linen, duvet and pillows with goose down feathers. Guests have the option to choose from the pillow menu where one can choose from microgel, latex, and aromatherapy varieties. During my stay there, I honestly slept like a baby.

The Staff

Everyone who works in Acacia Hotel embody Filipino hospitality. Believe me when I say that they always serve with a smile. They even place their right hand over their heart to show sincerity. Eloisa and I believe this is the biggest asset of the hotel compared to others in the country.

Conclusion

I think it’s too bad for me that Acacia Hotel is very far from where I live in Pasig. I go on staycations every once in a while and I would love to have a staycation again at Acacia. I will really try to go back there and sleep again in one of their dream beds.

 

Acacia Hotel Manila
5400 East Asia Drive corner Commerce Avenue,
Filinvest Corporate City, Alabang Muntinlupa 1781
Tel. Nos. 7202000 and 5885888
http://www.acaciahotelsmanila.com

5 Things To Do In Las Vegas Without Spending Much

October 17, 2012

I’ve been to Las Vegas, Nevada twice and the place never fails to awe me. Las Vegas is electric and I mean this literally because of the number of times I electrocuted myself because of the static in the hotels. So here are my recommendations if ever you find yourself in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas

1. Hotel Hopping

The crown jewel of Las Vegas are their hotels which try to one up each other. Most of the hotels are within walking distance from one another. If you don’t feel like walking, cabs are pretty cheap in Vegas. Make sure to check out The Venetian, MGM Grand Hotel & Casino, Wynn, Bellagio, Mirage, Paris, Four Seasons, Caesar’s Palace, and Palms. Some of the hotels have free shows such as the musical fountains of Bellagio.

2. Go Outlet Shopping

Buy designer clothes for less! That’s what outlet shopping is all about. When I went to Vegas, I shopped at Las Vegas Premium Outlet South but they have other branches in the city. I bought a really cool Oakley Sweater which got a lot of praises from strangers. There’s also Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas and stand alone factory outlets.

3. Visit Pawnshops

Las Vegas has many pawn shops which is to be expected because of the gamblers who just might need extra cash. Pawn shops there might carry branded luxury items for less than retail price. You might pick up a strange object or two like the ones seen in the show Pawn Stars which is shot on location and Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.

4. Visit Museums

Las Vegas has many normal museums (art museums) but you might want to check out the quirky ones for a small fee. There’s the Mob Museum, Madame Tussaud (not really cheap), The Neon Museum, The National Atomic Testing Museum, and for the mature travelers there’s The Erotic Heritage Museum.

5. Eat for cheap

Hotel buffets in Vegas are really affordable and offer really scrumptious food. I tried the buffet at Circus Circus and was surprised at how the steak were considering how little we paid. Eating in Vegas won’t leave a dent in your wallet. I guess it’s because they want to make sure the gamblers are in a good mood for being well fed. Be on the lookout for eateries and buffets in older casinos. The restaurants in new hotels are expensive so avoid those if you are on a budget.

Las Vegas is not all about gambling. There are a lot of fun things to do there for the whole family.

Finally, a Suicide and Depression Hotline in the Philippines

October 16, 2012

Infographics from http://bridgingthebluescampaign.blogspot.com/

I’ve suffered from clinical depression ever since I can remember and there were times when things were extra challenging but there was nobody to talk to. I remember calling Dial-A-Friend but it was very late at night and nobody was answering. I also called another hotline which redirected me to a number in Korea and the girl who answered couldn’t understand what I was saying. It was surreal. Actually the whole experience was surreal and that’s how it always is when I’m in one of my depressive episodes.

When I found out from my Plurk pals that there’s now a 24-hour depression and suicide prevention hotline in the country, I felt relieved because help is finally a phone call away. I noticed a spike in suicide attempts and deaths in the Philippines recently and I feel that they could have been prevented. The hotline is 804-4673.

Clinical depression goes by many names — depression, “the blues,” biological depression, major depression. But it all refers to the same thing: feeling sad and depressed for weeks or months on end (not just a passing blue mood), accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, lack of energy, and taking little or no pleasure in things that gave you joy in the past. A person who’s depressed just “can’t get moving” and feels completely unmotivated to do just about anything. Even simple things — like getting dressed in the morning or eating — become large obstacles.

Source: Psych Central

Depression and other mental illnesses are considered a social stigma in the Philippines. Usually it’s a hush hush topic and sufferers often keep the illness to themselves for fear of being shunned by friends and family. Clearly there is a lack of correct information and education on mental health here. Even if a sufferer chooses to seek treatment, it can be very costly. An hour of psychiatric session alone can cost from P1,000 to P2,000 plus the expensive medication. Sure, there is the Philippine Mental Institute but the cases they accommodate there are extreme mental illnesses and as far as I know the staff can hardly keep up with the number of cases they have to look after. The free hotline is a huge step in depression and suicide awareness in the Philippines and I hope more people will accept that it is an illness and treat those who suffer appropriately.

To know more about the suicide and depression hotline, visit http://ngf-hope.org/

FYI, I’m pro-choice when it comes to choosing how and when to die (Read my entry about it here) but when suicide is your call for help, then the hotline is crucial.

What is my destiny?

May 10, 2012

I’m at a crossroad.

I can stay in my current lane and work for the family business but it stifles me and kind of goes against my set of beliefs. It makes good money though and working there is easy. Boring, yes, but easy and the pay is good compared to when I was working for others.

I can start my business but I sort of did this already when I bought a franchise from a small company. It’s not making money though and is pretty much a hassle.

I can be a full-fledged hedonist and just do whatever I want but that comes with a price…not just monetary.

Another option I’m currently considering is studying again. I’ve been gnawing on the thought of learning prosthetics make-up for a couple of years now but I never really thought hard about it because it will be a drastic change for me. I have to study abroad for it. I’m considering US or Canada, where there is a sure market for that career. It’s a short course actually, just several months, but the cost is staggering. I also have to consider where I will consider where I’ll live and how I’ll survive there. I can’t work in the Philippines after taking that course because the industry here hardly cares about good prosthetics and special effects and the pay will be a pittance. That means I have to leave my family, friends, and almost everything behind and start a new life elsewhere. That I’m afraid of. Very much so because socially awkward me has to make new friends again. Then I have to find replacements for the doctors I have here. What I really fear most is leaving my family behind and letting down my mother again. I know she wants us to be happy but she also wants someone to succeed her place in the business. She’ll also feel like she’s losing her daughter again (I left for the US years ago and stayed there for months). My last fear is the career might not be right for me. How would I know if I’m good at it when I’ve never tried it. For now it’s just fantasies in my head of working for the likes of Tim Burton and Peter Jackson. Drat! But I very much want to do that. To make my imaginary monsters into something physical and which can be seen on the silver screen. Even the small screen if I end up just working for direct-to-tv production, hopefully not.

Maybe this is midlife crisis. After all, I’ll be turning 35 this year and so many of my dreams I’ve given up on. I want to get rid of my jadedness and be positive. I’m happy that I have friends who support my dreams. Now it’s just up to me if this dream will go down the drain again or turn my life around.

My favorite Dr. Who Etsy finds

February 9, 2012

I’m a Dr. Who fan. I want to buy official Dr. Who merchandise but they’re too damn expensive. I’ve been looking in Etsy for nice Dr. Who items and there are a lot. They’re cheaper too so I can afford some of them. Here are my favorites.

10th Doctor Plush ($25) from telahmarie

tardis

TARDIS purse in poly leather ($250) from LIMOchi – thanks to Larry for this link

Dalek vinyl wall decor ($38) from WondrousWallArt

TARDIS felt plush ($75) from TheHouseOfMouse

River Song’s Diary ($45) from Taeliac Studio

TARDIS and Two Hearts Gold Necklace with Matching Earrings ($35) from TheBotShoppe

TARDIS sculpted earrings with crystals ($30) from TheBotShoppe

TARDIS felt bag ($185) from krukrustudio

TARDIS Kindle Case / Kindle 2 Case /Nook Color / Kobo Case ($35) from TheCuriousCaseLLC

Police Box Wristlet ($39) from RachelWhiteArt

TARDIS cat house ($75) from JennasRedRhino

TARDIS apron ($58) from Jordandene