bury me in this dress

You know you’re having a low day when you cry while eating. Well that happened to me today. my aunt and uncle celebrated their wedding anniversary by treating us to a nice Italian restaurant in Edsa Shangri-la hotel. Everything was fine at first but the discussion suddenly turned to me and my cousin’s carwash business. The oldies suddenly went all huffy because “only my cousin is minding the business”. I have to admit that he does most of the work but I help. Sometimes. Anyway, I became upset and cried silently while they blabbed all throughout dinner. I just felt such a big failure. I know I am. But I find everything too hard these days. Coping is too hard. Even living is too hard sometimes. My therapist said I should do things according to MY standards, not theirs. But I still feel like a failure and I also feel so guilty. They are not aware of my present condition…well I don’t think my mom let them on. I just feel so heavy and I am so ugly and I hate everything. I just want to cut myself again!@! Fuck!

I had my medicine changed. The therapist prescribed fluoxetine, that’s the generic name of Prozac. I told him before that I don’t think Prozac works on me but he said I might be underdosaged. So he said he’ll try this again but with a higher dosage. I told him Prozac is expensive but he told me there’s another alternative in the market which is cheaper. He forgot the brand though. Sheesh. Anyway, mom went to the drugstore looking for the other brand but even Mercury (the leading drug store here) is not aware of it. She was complaining that Prozac is too expensive and wants me to just take 1 a day. I might have to make her talk to my therapist since she clearly doesn’t understand the NEED to take larger amounts. This is so annoying.

I need money. The carwash business is a big flop. I get zero peso from it. Mom still gives me money even though I don’t go to work anymore but somehow I couldn’t seem to pay off my credit card debt. The interest rate just keeps on building up and it’s making me crazy. I don’t think I could ever pay it off. Maybe I can if I withdraw all of my savings from the bank which is quite small to begin with. But I don’t know if that would work since my BPI card is tied up with it. I got my first credit card (the BPI one) approved because I have some savings in their bank so they might freeze the card if I withdraw everything. Gad, I don’t need this problem! I wish I have the life of my cousins since their parents pay all their credit card and other bills. I know that’s insane but I find that very ideal right now. They never have money problems! It’s so unfair.

I’ll shut up now. I’m working myself up again.

This blog sucks!

This entry was posted on Monday, June 27th, 2005 at 4:01 am and is filed under Family, The Bell Jar. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.