bury me in this dress

I only had 5 hours of sleep because I spent most of the night finishing an interesting book, “Running in Heels” by Anna Maxted. I thought it was a chick book at first, a light read, but it was pretty heavy stuff. Well heavy for me because I can relate to the main character (Natalie). Natalie has a hard time expressing her emotions. She isn’t a vocal person. She has a low self-esteem because her mother favors the other sibling and not her. She was close to her father but the bastard left them when she was young. Natalie works as a PR officer for GL Ballet so she basically does the write-ups. Anyway, Natalie had so many issues and the repression developed into an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. That’s not the part which I can relate to because I’m obviously not anorexic. But like Natalie, I find it STILL hard to speak my mind out vocally.

That part of me doesn’t show when I write, especially here, but in person I tend to swallow my thoughts and just clam up. This is bad. Very bad because the emotions and thoughts just keep on building up inside of me then they manifest in weird ways like cutting, shivering, etc. I don’t know why I tend to do this but I suspect there’s a big part of me which wants me to become a people pleaser. I hate it when friends and even acquaintances suddenly develop a negative emotion for me. Especially friends but fuck, I should fucking stand up for myself and express my thoughts even if it ends up hurting the other person. But I don’t want to hurt people I care about. I don’t want them to hurt me too. But by trying not to hurt them I end up hurting myself. This really bites! I’m a fucking wuss!

I’m starting to become more vocal because of self-preservation. I can’t keep on torturing myself for the sake of niceties. I can’t anymore. It’s killing me. So as much as I want to be nice and all, I have to learn to love myself more and voice to friends, relatives, acquaintances or whoever about things they do/did which hurt me, I find annoying, bugs the hell out of me, etc. Fucking double-edged sword because that makes me feel guilty. Which is the lesser evil anyway??? GAAAAAAAAAH