bury me in this dress

this is my work environment which i’m currently loving.

I know that I said I wouldn’t put lyrics here but screw that. This is my blog.

My friend will be leaving for the US later. Boo hoo. Another one bites the dust. Hehehe. A couple of years ago, it was me who bid adieu but look where I am again. Back in this third world charm of a country. And I’m happy that I’m back. I don’t think anything can make me leave again…well unless I meet a foreign guy who’d sweep me off my feet. Or something bad happens to the Philippines, like another dictatorship or something similar…or worse. Anyway, I hope my friend finds her happiness there. If not, she can always come back here and we’ll be waiting with brown open arms. Feh this is mush. hehehe.

Rant time! Ding!

I have this aunt who keeps on insisting that I go on a diet, go to gym regularly, have liposuction or surgery done, become your normal Filipina. Of course I was being sarcastic on that last part, okay? I love my aunt and her bipolar quirks but I hate this nagging about losing weight. Lately she’s been pushing me to have a gastric band surgically implanted on me. Well I talked to mom about what my aunt said and she agrees with her. She thinks it will drastically improve my life. I don’t know why she thinks that but she’s all for it. Well thankfully I am not. I don’t want no foreign object in my insides, thank you very much. I will never have Gastric Bypass Surgery UNLESS it’s a life and death situation and maybe even then I won’t because that kind of surgery can kill you. All my relatives know that I’m the President of the Philippine Chapter of International Size Acceptance Association (ISAA) and they are aware of my thoughts about surgeries like that. So why do they still keep on pushing me change the way I am?! I don’t really mind my size. Hey, I’m fat and I’m beautiful. I’m pretty healthy as well. So why fix what ain’t broke, right? But no! They want me to conform to society’s ideals. They want me to be thin. They think that would make me happy. But I know it won’t. It might make them happy but I know that even if I become thin, I’ll still be depressive dementia and only therapy, and hard work on my part would fix that. So people, accept the way I am. I don’t want to be thin and normal. I want to be fat and fabulous!

What the hell was I thinking?! Stupid arse. Ha ha ha.

A good way to ostracize blog readers is to write something only you can understand.

taken from perezhilton.com

I find this photo highly amusing for some reason. It’s so white trash. Britney Spears gave birth to a baby boy who will grow up to be a white trash man.

Wow. It’s almost 5 am and I’m not sleepy. I watched a lot of movies on the telly. I guess I was in the mood for that. Anyway, I went to my therapist yesterday afternoon and I think the session was good. My appointment was for 3PM but I got there a bit after 2:30 but he accommodated me since he had no other patients. The office was undergoing reconstruction. I told about what’s been happening to me, the frequent panic/anxiety attacks, the “incident”, my disturbing dream…I told him a lot of things. We mostly talked about a certain guy in my past and he pointed out to me that the qualities of that guy is similar to my father’s, at least as how I knew him which isn’t much. He said that some people are attracted to certain individuals who possess the characteristics of his/her parents. It made me think and I kinda agree with him I guess. He told me to use my head more when choosing a guy. I protested a bit because I wanted thrill, mystery, maybe also passion but he said that I should choose someone with a future even if that person is boring. So yadda yadda yadda more talk about my love life, my past, my parents, but I left the place feeling better. I can say that I got my money’s worth for the session since we talked for 1 and 1/2 hours.

I woke up an hour ago and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had another dream but it’s different this time. I dreamt that I was playing cards with a psychic girl, I think this was Lea, and while playing a simple card game, she got a message from the cosmos (?) and that message was for me. I remember her showing me 2 cards: a 7 and I think a 3. Then she said that the cards were telling her that there is a guy who likes me. There were more details but I kinda forgot what they are now. I think one of them is that the guy likes me for my English usage (what the fuck, right?!) and that he’s good in English too (???). Anyway, after she told me the message, we continued to play.

Fucking dreams!

I’m feeling much better. Much much better. And I haven’t even seen my therapist yet. Hopefully I won’t feel rotten again after a day or two, like what happened this past 2 weeks when I posted that I’m feeling okay.

My friend came over yesterday afternoon because she was seeking a lot of advice. Good thing she didn’t come earlier when I was a total wreck. She has never seen that side of me and I think she would have freaked out. I mean, I was literally shaking and looked totally lost. It was that bad. It’s a bit disappointing that I can’t find emotional support from other close friends. But I guess that’s how life really is. A lot of people avoid signs of fragility, trouble, weakness, or whatever then they make light of the situation and then I become insulted. I mean, man, these are heavy feelings. It’s no laughing matter for me. And then some friends of mine just laugh and brush it away. No wonder I tend to avoid some people in my little social circle. Bah this post is too revealing. Time to shut up.

Had to make some entries here password protected. If you read my blog regularly, that shouldn’t matter cos you’ve read those entries already.

I was a big ball of nerves earlier. I felt like I was having a breakdown actually. Too personal to discuss that here but I kinda feel better after talking about this with someone. I haven’t felt this wretched since…I dunno…a couple of months. It got so bad that I was having difficulty breathing. But at least now I know what the trigger is and it’s not my cousin Paul.