bury me in this dress

Welcome to the new me! Yay! I don’t think the last entry was brought on by a lack of sleep cos I still feel the same. And to celebrate the new me, I asked my mom if she still thinks I’m a failure. She said I’m not anymore and encouraged me to go go go. So that’s good. At least I know what she thinks of me now. And I told her that I don’t want the balloon thiny surgery to lose weight. If I’m going to have a surgery, it will be a boob job because even if I am fat, I am flat chested. It just looks like I have big boobs but it’s just fat. And I told mom to just accept my body cos I’m fine with it. I’m happy the way I look. I don’t overindulge. I don’t eat too much except when I am stressed and jittery. And I don’t think I will be eating more because what made me jittery in the first place is all those kept emotions. So that’s that. I also emailed Louie about something but I don’t think she’ll mind that. I guess Phoebe helped me reach this new me. We went out last night and talked til 4am. It was an okay night for me.

That’s it! I’m so fucking tired of being nice. Something happened to me between last night and this morning and that’s me being fucking tired of being Ms. Polite I won’t Tell You How I Feel So As Not To Offend You Even If It’s Killing Me Inside. I’ve really had it! I have a voice. I am not mute. So I might well use this fucking mouth and tell people off if they piss me off. I don’t know if this sudden bitchiness is a result of no sleep or just my inner me finally coming out but heck! I don’t want this feeling to disappear. So from now on, I’ll be more confrontational, more in your face, and be a real bitch if you do something offensive to me. Fuck! This feels so empowering! I really really really don’t want this feeling to go away. If you happen to be a friend and I suddenly go mouth you off, sorry but I have to do this to keep my sanity. I mean, fuck! I’m spending so much money on therapy because of keeping my emotions bottled up. It’s about time I help myself and if that means that I’ll become an obnoxious loud-mouthed bitch, then so be it. And that’s better than suddenly go on a killing spree, right? And I think there have been instances in my life when I was close to that. Oh yeah baby, there are a lot of demons in this closet but it’s time to let them out especially since Halloween is getting near. So I’ll just yell a big FUCK YOU to everyone I’m pissed off right now. You’ll be hearing from me in person soon and I’ll bury you in that dress.

dammit! it’s so freaking hot and humid in this country. i’m literally sweating bucket loads. i envy friends who are in new york right now because they say it’s cold there right now. the country needs a deluge, man. not some freak storm like hurricane Katrina but a steady rainfall. It’s like it’s perpetually going to rain here but when it does rain, it ends after 5 minutes and that makes the fucking weather more humid. damn weather. i hate heat! i want brrrrr cold cos I hate sweating and sticky skin and clothes. ugh. good thing there’s A/C but I think I’m coming down with a cold from drastic temperature changes from being in a cold room to the hot hot heat of wherever. shit. and i can’t keep the A/C on all the time because of the ever increasing electricity rate.

Alright. I’m cranky.