bury me in this dress

The Irish lad isn’t the only one who upset me. I’m disappointed with my other friend as well. I told her about my party a month ago and up to the afternoon of November 26, she was planning to go. Then all of a sudden I received a text from her telling me if I still felt like celebrating? I was like “What the fuck?” So I replied and asked her what she meant. She said that she read in my blog that I’m sad so maybe I didn’t feel like having a party. I told her I still wanted one and that I reserved the place already. She said that it’s okay if I didn’t want her to go cos she wants me to feel comfortable and her mother is bugging her to go malling or something. I said that I want her to be there and that I’d be upset if she didn’t show up. After that, I didn’t get a message so I thought she would show up that night.

While we were eating, I texted some of my friends if they are still coming. I also sent the message to her but didn’t get a reply. After awhile, I called her cellphone but she didn’t pick it up. A few minutes later, she replied that she fell asleep. I was pissed off already but I didn’t want to ruin the night so I called her up and told her that it’s alright and told her to just rest. But I was really annoyed. I didn’t want to ruin everybody’s fun but I was quite hurt. It felt like an insult. She’s one of my best friends. She doesn’t like my other guests in the party and I have a feeling that’s the reason she didn’t come. I asked Phoebe if I’m being selfish when I told her that I’d be upset if she didn’t show up but Phoebe reassured me that I wasn’t.

I had that party because I wanted to be surrounded by people I love, people who are important to me. It was supposed to be a celebration of me still being alive after being suicidal a few months earlier. But look at me now, I am depressed all over again. I’m not suicidal but I just feel so drained. I’m just hoping that I won’t sink any deeper than this.

It’s been 4 days since the party and I haven’t heard anything from her. No text, no emails, no apologies. I’m pissed off and I hope she reads this and realize that she’s being selfish. What she did really hurt me. She said she would never leave me hanging again but she did just that and on my birthday too so that’s a double blow for me. It’s really getting harder to trust people nowadays.

There’s nothing like retail therapy. It makes you feel satisfied for awhile then you’re back to being miserable again but this time, you have more crap to fill your room with. I’ve been feeling depressed for awhile now and I’ve turned to ebay for comfort. I won several items already and I’m crossing my fingers for some more. So far, I’ve won the following:

really cute stockings for $9.92 (still don’t know how much shipping is)

corset dress for $51.99

The prices are okay but it’s the shipping cost to the Philippines that’s the killer. I wish there’s some other way to save on shipping but since my relatives in the US don’t want to be bothered, I’ll have to just settle for the whole caboodle. I’m planning to wear the dress for Christmas and I’m still betting on some nice lingerie. Hell! I’ll feel sad, broke, and be all miserable this Christmas but I’m going to look real good.

 I’m trying to look for the 75 band references in this photo. So far, I’ve seen only the ff:
1. Guns N Roses
2. Gorillaz
3. Cowboy Junkies
4. Postal Service
5. Scissor Sisters
6. Eagles
7. Spoon
8. Smashing Pumpkins
9. Black Flag
10. White Zombie
11. Garbage
12. Blind Melon
13. Red Hot Chili Peppers
14. Television
15. Beach Boys
16. Goldie
17. Manic Street Preachers
18. Radiohead
19. Rolling Stones
20. Seal
21. Iron Maiden
22. Alice in Chains
23. Blur
24. Tindersticks
25. Black Crows
26. Corner Shop
27. B-52s
28. Queen
29. White Snake
30. Lemonheads
31. Police
32. Secret Goldfish
33. Eels
34. Madonna
35. Bloc PartyThat’s it so far. I’m not even sure if some of the artists I mentioned are correct.

David Hasselhoff. Image from perezhilton.com

I ended up freaking out a guy again but that’s not what this entry is all about. Blog Explorer people, please rent the space now. My blog looks ugly with that white block. Thank you.

Maybe it’s because I’m a year older now but nah. I know exactly what’s bothering me. I feel rejected again and yeah, it’s by you-know-who. I haven’t heard anything from him but I guess that’s good. It’ll be easier for me to forget about him. I don’t regret joining the site even if he was the main reason why I joined. I know I tried my best and he inspired me even for a little while. He gave me a bit of hope and made me see beauty in normality. I am not mad or anything. Disappointed a little but I’ll get over it. I know. I’ve been through this a gazillion times. I also don’t have the right to get mad. It’s my fault for being too ahead of myself and pinning my hopes on him. I guess we’re just not meant to be.

Pat Morita, who is well-known for his role as Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid just passed away :(

I had a great time during the party eventhough some of the people who I expected to be there didn’t show up. You know who you guys are. Anyway, eventhough only a few showed up, it was a blast and we mostly spend the whole time there laughing. Phoebe has the photos and I only took some pictures of the food. I should have taken pictures of people. Yeah, I’m weird like that. We only stayed at the resto until 10:30 cos it closes early on Saturdays. After that, some of us decided to see Tiendesitas (a newly-opened outdoor market). I took a couple of photos of pets for sale there. Again, I should have taken pictures of us but I forgot. Will post actual photos of people when I receive them from Phoebe.

Nasty-looking fish we ordered. It tasted good though.

my free birthday treat from the restaurant

a decor from the restaurant. it kinda freaked my other friends but I wanted to buy it

More pictures of the resto. I just got this from another blog though.

Shih Tzus for sale at the market

Cute kitty. Don’t know what the breed is though

My cat Aria gave birth on my birthday. I guess that’s her birthday present for me. She had 4 kittens but 1 died. She gave birth under my bed and is still there with the 3 kittens. Very cute. I really like the black one but you couldn’t see it from the picture because it blended well with the carpet.

I don’t really know why the kittens came in different colors. One is a calico, one is all white, the other all black.

Jesus F. Christ! I keep on screwing things up and now I’m beginning to hate myself again. I feel like I’m plunging down and I really need to straighten up before I hit rock bottom again. I think there’s something in me that makes me want to fail. Ugh. I think it’s time to see my therapist again.