bury me in this dress

This is what I wrote to you-know-who. I don’t know what made me decide to post it here but since I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve for him, why not let the whole world witness.

_______,

I take back what I said…about me being cool when you didn’t send me that long email. Actually, I was devastated.

Here is my story…

When I first saw your profile, I became deeply attracted to you. Yes, you are very attractive but there’s something more than meets the eye. Maybe it was because you said in your profile that you want to know about “your life”…my life and the other members of BBWsinglesfinder. For me, that sounded as if you really want to get to know us, about our dreams, hopes, and fears. About what we like, what we hate, etc. Because of those two words, I found something special in you and I really wanted to get to know you better.

It took me a hard time to become a premium member here. Apparently, this site doesn’t accept credit card payments from the Philippines. Instead, they told me to send a cheque to their US office. I contacted an aunt who lives in the US if she could send a cheque for me then I would pay her back. She never responded and I was mad for awhile. But luck was on my side because a family friend from the US made a quick visit here and I was able to send my cheque through her.

It was Thursday night, Oct 28 I think that was, when I finally became a premium member. It took me more than an hour to write to you because I was really nervous. If you’ve read my profile, I said “I’m very shy when it comes to romance and feel like a giddy teenager most of the time.” And that was exactly how I was feeling during that night. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to scare you away. So I finally sat down and composed my email but I honestly thought it wasn’t a good one and sounded quite nerdy. But as I’ve said, I was nervous that time.

Friday came and I was nervous to check my mails but there it was, a message from you. I was really glowing and blushing while I read it. It was short and very sweet and it seemed like you were interested in me as well. I felt like I was walking on cloud nine that night when I went alone to a local goth gig. I didn’t mind being alone because I still had that afterglow from the letter you wrote. I was quite disappointed that it was short but since you said that you would write a longer one over the weekend, I got rid of the disappointment.

Saturday came. Nothing from you. I told myself that the weekend isn’t over yet.

Sunday came and went. Still nothing. I told myself that there’s a big time difference between Philippines and Ireland so technically the weekend isn’t over there yet.

Monday. I found out from an Irish friend that it was also a holiday there. I still considered that as a weekend.

Tuesday came. Still nothing from you. I was getting worried and confided to my good friend. I asked her if it’s okay to email you and say that I’m looking forward to your letter. However, my friend and her boyfriend adviced me not to do it. That I might appear needy. So I took their advice and tried to be more patient.

Wednesday. No word from you. Again, I confided to my friend. That’s when she told me to write you a short note. She told me to tell you that I’m cool with not hearing anything from you. It was a lie but I didn’t know what to do. I sent the message and was in tenterhooks because I was still hoping that you will reply.

This time, exactly right now, I am following my own advice. After reading this, you might think that I’m a psycho, crazy, or whatever. I just want to be honest with you. It’s rare for me to become attracted to someone, especially someone I don’t know online and from a dating site at that. But it happened and I just couldn’t ignore it. I just couldn’t allow myself to go away silently. I guess you can say that I want closure in order for me to move on. I seldom feel passionately about something so it wouldn’t surprise me if I scared you away. But ______, I am now asking you to reply. Say whatever you want. Tell me I’m crazy, tell me I’m scary and that I’m getting too ahead of myself. Tell me there’s no chance in hell for us if that’s how you feel. I just need a closure to this short-lived story. After that, it would hurt, I know, but with that, I could easily move on.

Sincerely,
_______

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 5th, 2005 at 8:39 pm and is filed under Poetry & Prose. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.