How to get rid of emotional baggage

Since I’m trying to find my spirituality again, I’ve been doing some research. One I found is this great article on how to get rid of emotional baggage which is what I really need in the first place. So this is my first step. It will be a lengthy process and reading this made me decide to work things out with my therapist once again because I can’t do this on my own. I’m sharing this article in case somebody with emotional baggage reads this and they want some help about it.

Most emotional baggage begins with the conditional love our parents give us. We carry it through all of our relationships and take it to the grave unless we deal with it and resolve it.

In resolving emotional baggage, there are two major factors to contend with: 1) pain; 2) the belief you have no control over the baggage, that it controls you. If you’re willing to deal with pain and take control of your life it’s just a matter of time before you’ve completely resolved the problem and can enjoy the benefits of unconditional love in a relationship. No one resolves it by accident. It’s a painful journey each person must take in their own time at their own pace. It separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. People who have made this journey successfully can easily spot other people who have made it and they are naturally attracted to each other. They rarely get involved with someone for a serious relationship who hasn’t made the journey because they don’t want to ‘baby sit’ for someone who, for whatever reason, won’t deal with their past.

So how do you rid yourself of emotional baggage? I’ve yet to find a method of dealing with emotional baggage that doesn’t entail pain. But for those of us who have walked down that road before (including me), we realize it’s the kind of pain you go through when you have a tooth pulled – yes, it hurts, but it solving a problem, not creating one. And knowing that helps to deal with the pain because you know you’re getting better. Because of lack of space I can’t give you a complete explanation but I can give you the blue print and a road map for taking the next steps.

Emotional baggage is connected to these five areas: 1) your level of self respect; 2) your self image; 3) your belief system; 4) your ability to deal with pain; and 5) whether you’re in ‘victim mode’ or not.

Not an easy task but definitely possible for someone who is truly fed up with letting their baggage rule their life. Here’s what I suggest. First, identify the problem. Write it down on a piece of paper so you can look at it clearly and logically. What really happened? Why did that hurt you? Has this problem occurred in past relationships? How long has this problem been going on? Second, if you sit and blame the other person for doing this to you, you will feel like a victim, learn nothing and be doomed to repeat it indefinitely. Rather, accept responsibility for what happened. Say, “I allowed you to do this to me and I won’t allow you to do that anymore.” Will these changes happen overnight? No. There are no quick fixes for people who have been emotionally abused. You’ll be tested in every new relationship you enter and probably have to walk away from several relationships you’re in now. But it’s well worth it. People with a healthy self respect refuse to be abused on any level so they simply walk away the moment someone tries to abuse them. They also refuse to abuse other people.

How do you know when the pain is gone? Simple: it doesn’t hurt anymore. Just like when you fall down and scrape your knee: how do you know when it’s healed? It doesn’t hurt anymore and you move on a wiser person. Use this basic blueprint and road map to do research in your local bookstore or library. The time you invest in resolving emotional baggage will make you and the person of your choice happy beyond your wildest dreams.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield

3 thoughts on “How to get rid of emotional baggage

  1. Hi Bryan,

    I Googled emotional baggage and opened up your page, and I must say, though succint, it hits home.

    No shortcuts. Its a very poignant expression of what must be done.

    I have one question though.

    You take the right brave steps on your journey to regain control of your self, accept all life situations, issues of self respect and self esteem, bear the pain etc, but how do you be kind to yourself and not be too hard, cos you are faced with your weakness and lack of a self respect that got you the baggage in the first place. SO how do you say its ok. Why did you not do it right first? Is the second step not an aftermath, a feel good effort? ANd all it ends up doing for me is showing me in no uncertain terms my weakness. And self respect is inborn. Is it not? Why was my first impulse not to maintain and preserve that self and that respect? As a second step, I feel the damage is already done. Now its a synthetic means to bring some calm to my angst. And Im always aware that I failed to do what was right by me and to me in the first place. And that makes me more aware of my lack of self esteem, rather than strengthening it.

    If you have something to say, I’d love to hear it.

    Thanks anyway for the entry.


  2. Hi Kaplana!

    I understood everything you stated and felt the very same way but in waves. I felt that way on days that I didn’t want to hear anyone say that it would be alright or when some in tuned person would recommend to let things go. It wasn’t until I truly understood that no matter how hard we try, we are all destined to make some major and minor mistakes in our lives. The questions that you asked seemed to all tie into one… why am I not perfect? Self preservation is definitely instilled in every one of us, unfortunately that is usually the culprit in most of our emotional baggage! Usually, we lie to protect ourselves, we deceive to preserve our own reputation, we cheat to keep ourselves from failing and the list goes on. My point is, most of our pain is derived from some wrong way we perceived (usually under fire) how to preserve our own dignity and self respect but ironically lost it all in our desperation to come out on top. Of course, the other way to gain emotional baggage is through a relationship and I personally find that to be the easiest to deal with (no less important or painful, just easier to get rid of) because the other person gave it to you, you didn’t give it to yourself. It’s easier to understand why someone else may have mistreated you and easier to understand why you stayed for it, it’s a little harder to run from your own mental state when you’re the one at fault.

    Yes Kaplana, the damage has been done and the deed itself can never be corrected but what’s helped me is doing exactly what I should have in the first place second time around along with facing my mistake and the emotional baggage that it bestowed upon my life head on.

    Please don’t punish yourself for not making the right decision the first time around especially when you are so much of a good person to understand your mistake and want so desperately to correct it. That is what I call starting the journey to letting it go. Much luck my friend…

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