I’m feeling so antsy again and frankly it’s getting so hard to deal with things. Somewhere in me, I’m trying hard to get better but sometimes I’m just at a loss. So I just sleep it off and that makes me feel guilty every time. Like I’m no good and a big burden to everyone. I feel so week emotionally and physically. I hate this so much. Make it stop!
My mind is more active now so let me post.
I want to become more spiritual but I believe that what’s holding me back is my lack of guidance and lack of psychic abilities. What I will do now is to seek a special Spirit Guide who will help me with this but the Guide should be strict with me and always remind me when I’m off the path. I’ve been doing some research and hopefully a spirit will answer my call.
I really want to become a better person. I think finding a good guide is the best first step because I know I’m stubborn and lazy.
I was sick the past few days. My period was so heavy and my cramps were so bad. In a way, it contributed to my depression but the period is not the only reason behind it. I’m taking medications to regulate the flow so it’s managable now. Anyway, I’ve also been sleeping all day but I’m sleepy even now. I’m sluggish, my brain is not working, and that’s pretty much it. I might be more awake later and I might post something more relevant. I know this one sucks.
I just upgraded to Wordpress 2.0 and it’s quite different from the strayhorn version. I need to get used to the new interface. Early, I encountered a lot of errors so I kept on re-deleting and re-installing everything. I made a back up of my blog but somehow it didn’t include my most recent posts. Oh well. I hope I won’t encounter errors this time!!!
I am so bummed out lately. I don’t think this is PMS anymore. The depression is back and ugh. Fuck! I don’t feel like talking to anybody.
I’ve always been interested in paranormal and the occult. Been trying to develop my psychic abilities but I don’t think it’s going anywhere. I often meditate before I go to sleep but more often than not, I end up falling asleep. Anyway, I took this online test.
It looks like I really suck except for precognition. And possibly channeling. Bah. So what is precognition? According to the site “People with this ability, or precogs are traditionally called seers and have the ability to foresee the future. Some may find their abilities enhanced by tools such as tarot cards or crystal balls (scrying) but many simply find that knowledge of what is to come simply presents itself to them in often surprising ways!” I guess that’s good. I already have a tarot which I hardly use so it’s time to dust it off again. As for channeling, “Channellers, or mediums, have the ability to communicate with, or act as conduits for the communication of, non-human intelligences or the spirits of the departed. The Psi Q profile takes a broad assessment of this communication and includes in its assessment forms of communication that may be non-verbal.” I don’t know why I got an 8/10 for this one since I never talked to a spirit or other entity. I can talk to my cats but I don’t think that counts.
I’ve been feeling more emotional lately. I’m not sure if it’s because of stress or because of hormones. Hopefully it’s just hormones but it still sucks. Like yesterday, there were moments when I wanted to cry because I’ve been worrying about the business. Today was better but that’s because I wasn’t dwelling on the things I still need to do. Since this is a public diary, I couldn’t reveal everything here so this will have to do. Maybe it’s about time I go back to my therapist but like what I said way back before, I’m not so enthusiastic about him because he charges so much.
I can’t believe somebody actually donated to me. I would like to thank Mike for his $3 donation. I’m ecstatic eventhough I have no idea how to get the money since I’m in the Philippines. Oh well. At least it’s still $3. That means a lot to me. That’s more than the money in my wallet.
I added radio blog for my blog. Just click on the radio picture on your right. The music there might not be according to your taste but heh this is my blog.
Goddammit! I’m so broke. I have no more money in the bank, I still have some credit card debts, and right now, there’s only 150 pesos in my wallet (equivalent to US $2.70). It’s so frustrating. I don’t want to be so dependent on money but we all need it to survive. Right now I feel so deprived because I couldn’t go out of the house because doing so would mean I have to spend, even just for parking. Tomorrow is the UP CAST Alumni Homecoming and I’m not going because we’ll be required to pay 50 pesos. I guess that covers finger food and to help the organization funds. But what about MY funds? Argh!!! And because I feel so deprived, I know that I will spend as soon as I get some money. Fuck money! It’s the spawn of the devil.
I’m even tempted to add google ads in this blog. I really don’t want to do this because I think they’re butt fucker ugly but I really need dough. Waaah.
If you are filthy rich, why not donate to my pay pal tin can with class? It will go to a worthy cause. My sanity!
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
