bury me in this dress

I’m still upset over what happened last night. I feel guilty. I really really don’t want to be a burden to mom but the depression couldn’t be helped. I’ve had depression ever since I was a kid, I guess around the age of 10 or 11. It was only during college that a psychiatrist was able to diagnose me as clinically depressed when I had an awful anxiety attack. I wish I’m normal. I wish I’m functional. Not like this zombie or droid. I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday next week. That’s the earliest he can see me. Crap. And it’s at 9 PM. I don’t think an hour session is sufficient to cover what happened to me over the past few months. Hopefully the session will be fruitful but if it isn’t, I will look for another therapist.

My mother and I had a heart-to-heart talk a couple of minutes ago. She came up to my room to ask me something then talked to me about my life and my depression. She said that my depression is pulling her down but she’s not blaming me. She wants me to widen my world, go out of the house, have a job, find a motivation, anything to improve my life. I couldn’t answer her much. I’ve always found it hard to express my feelings. So I just cried. She’s scared of what will happen to me when she dies. I’m fucking scared too but right now, I can only do so much. Anything and everything takes a lot of effort from me and I’m scared that it will always be like this. So what will happen to me when she’s gone? If my life hasn’t improved by then, I know I will try to kill myself. I just know. I’ve always known.

I think I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD). I mentioned this to my therapist the first time I went to him but he thinks I only have depression. Amen Clinic has some online tests to determine AADD and here are my results:

So it looks like I do have ADD. I’ll ask my therapist to give me some tests the next time I see him but I don’t think he has any. My therapist sucks.

I was watching ‘Reality Bites’ on cable last night. I never really liked that film but there was nothing else to watch. Anyway, Janeane Garofalo’s character said something which hit home. It was during the part when Winona Ryder’s character just stayed at home all day and accumulated a $400 bill for always talking with 1-900 psychics. Janeane said something to the effect that Winona doesn’t go out anymore, she wears the same thing everyday that it’s like her uniform already, she spends her time in the dark, and she just wastes her time talking to strangers (the psychic hotline girls). Then she said Winona’s in the bell jar. I was like, “oh my god. I really am depressed.” Well I know that I am but I wasn’t aware that I’m depressed ALL THE TIME. I thought it’s just on and off. Like there are good days and bad days. But I guess there are no good days since I’d rather stay in the house, preferrably in the dark. And I don’t know why I keep on delaying making an appointment with my therapist. Maybe I don’t want to get better or maybe I’m scared to tackle my buried thoughts and feelings. I think it’s more of the latter. Hmmm. I know I should do something about this but I don’t want to be bothered. Shit.

Patrick Dempsey makes me smile. All the time. It’s sooo weird. And funny. I’m not attracted to him or anything but just seeing his face on tv makes me smile. Wow. This is nuts! But who can’t NOT smile when he’s smirking like in this picture?

I just got rid of my wordspew (aka tagboard). It’s no use if I have to require registration to the site in order to use it. I mean, the tagboard is for people who are quite lazy to comment to a post so why will said people exert effort to register in order to use it. That just defeats the purpose! If I don’t require registration, I get a gazillion spam and I have to delete each one by one. Argh. So bye for now, wordspew. I’ll put you back if the plugin creator makes a spam-proof version.

Went out with the family to Powerplant Mall earlier. My sister wanted to go and since I had no other plans (ha! When was the last time I had plans to go out?) I went with her and mom. What a waste of time. I didn’t want to spend a single cent since I’m saving up for some U.S. shopping. I hated window shopping at Zara’s because their stuff I find too expensive. Also, only a few of their clothes will fit me although I gazed at them wistfully because they are really nice. So that’s added frustration and I guess boredom as well. Around 7 pm I started to become cross because I was hungry and my sister still wanted to shop. I’m like that when I feel my stomach is growling. I was able to convince mom to try some Brazilian cuisine at Brazil Brazil. Hey, I was really hungry and wanted an all-you-can-eat buffet. The food was so-so, kinda weird actually but the place was packed. I can only blame “In Her Shoes” for making me want to taste Brazilian (I was watching the DVD this afternoon). I didn’t eat that much actually but I was full. We decided to head home after supper since my sister wanted to catch Pinoy Big Brother but mom decided to look inside another boutique and I found myself infront of Fruits in Ice Cream and ended up buying half a gallon of their Caramelo con Pastillas which is yum yum. So there, I ended up spending 300 pesos for that damn ice cream. I shouldn’t have gone out with my family.
Hey! I went out of the house thrice this week. Am I beginning to become a normal human being? Ha! I doubt it.

My friend Louie treated me to a yummy dinner and a movie last night. We watched Eight Below and I liked it. Not a lot but the dogs are just so cute. And hey, those dogs can act. They should get a large salary for appearing in the movie because they act better than some human actors in Hollywood.

Yay for newly styled hair. My hair is much shorter now but it still reaches below the shoulders. My bangs also looks cool. Well it should since the fucking haircut cost me P1,900 (including tips). Freaking expensive but so worth it. I swear the only one I will allow to cut my hair is Jing. There’s this assistant who works there and I lurve him. His name is Roger but he might be gay. Somehow I don’t think so eventhough he’s clearly not interested in me. Whatever. He’s really cute, quite tall, and he gives the best massage and shampoo. I mean it. Having your hair washed by him is heaven so that’s why I always request him to do mine. I want to take him home and make him my slave. If ever he’s gay, so what? He can still give orgasmic massages.

Was supposed to go out with Louie last night but I wasn’t feeling well. I woke up from just 2 hours sleep and I don’t know why. I just couldn’t go back to sleep. So around noontime, I was nauseous because I was very sleepy but I had that haircut plus some other errands to do. Anyway, hopefully Louie and I can go out tonight. If not, some other time then. I just slept early last night and that was that.

Oh yeah, bought some DVDs too. Gonna have me a Grey’s Anatomy marathon. Wahoo!

I haven’t visited Masamania for months and I missed a lot of his posts. Well tonight I did a lot of catching up and as usual, Masa never fails to brighten my erm…night. Here’s a snippet of his entry…

In Japan, girls hesitate to show their boob in public in addition that showing boob in public is strictly banned. This is the main reason Japanese girls wear shirts even though there is no necessity to hide their boob because of their flat size of boob. And I think that USA girls also need not hide their boob, because no country law banning to hide plastic object. Or they should take off t shirts rather than wearing it because at least t-shirts is made by natural material, cotton.

Brilliant!