bury me in this dress

I just remembered something from my childhood. Back when I was in kindergarten, I guess I was around 6 years old that time, I took the school bus with a bunch of annoying kids. I don’t remember much about them but they’re mostly boys. Anyway, they always teased me about my weight and that just made me so mad all the time. We were still living in our old house and mom had this china cabinet with flatwares. There was a butter knife there and I sneaked it out of the house to threaten the kids to make them stop teasing me. The knife was a bit sharp but still, it’s a butter knife so I doubt it could do much harm but I was a kid then so how could I know any better. I never got to use it even if I wanted to. I don’t think I was going to stab anybody, just threat those nasty kids with physical harm if they don’t stop it. Mom discovered the knife when she was fixing my bag and I got into so much trouble for it. She also told a lot of people about it and I guess that fixed me a bit. Jeez, did I have homical tendencies when I was a kid? Where did that come from? If mom didn’t discover that knife, would I have grown up much worse than I am now? Gad, I’m screwed!

I caught The Truth About Cats and Dogs on telly the other day. It is a good film. I like the fact that Brian (Ben Chaplin) chose Abby (Janeane Garofalo) in the end. This film gives hope to people like me who are smart but not that appealing to men. However, I just felt so bitter the whole time I was watching. I kept on thinking, “that’s never going to happen to me”, “Are you crazy? Janeane Garofalo is hot. I’d chose her over Uma Thurman”, “If I look like Janeane Garofalo, I wouldn’t have any boy problems at all”, etc. I have become such a bitter hag that I cried. I don’t want to be bitter when it comes to love but I had a very rocky past. I think being bitter at this age is inevitable. The only solution to this is meeting a right man. Which reminded me of The Dresden Dolls’ song “Coin-Operated Boy”

“this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable”

I dyed my hair blue-black tonight. I’m going to put pink streaks after I get a haircut but that will be weeks from now because I don’t have enough money for the salon. I also finally got my new pair of eyeglasses (which I didn’t pay for of course). It’s okay but I really wanted the purple romeo gigli pair which costs 9,000 pesos. Really expensive for me but it looks great.