ma mère
My mother and I had a heart-to-heart talk a couple of minutes ago. She came up to my room to ask me something then talked to me about my life and my depression. She said that my depression is pulling her down but she’s not blaming me. She wants me to widen my world, go out of the house, have a job, find a motivation, anything to improve my life. I couldn’t answer her much. I’ve always found it hard to express my feelings. So I just cried. She’s scared of what will happen to me when she dies. I’m fucking scared too but right now, I can only do so much. Anything and everything takes a lot of effort from me and I’m scared that it will always be like this. So what will happen to me when she’s gone? If my life hasn’t improved by then, I know I will try to kill myself. I just know. I’ve always known.
April 29th, 2006 at 1:46 am
It gets better. I have to believe that it gets better. *hugs*
Reply to animae
April 29th, 2006 at 2:04 am
Thanks, Mae
Reply to dementia
April 29th, 2006 at 11:37 am
I found your entry very moving. Depression is like a black hole that you dont feel you can pull yourself out of. If I could give a wave of my magic wand and tell you that taking control and making decisions to pull yourself up will create light at the end of the tunnel, I would. For now, I will say that people out there care, even if its through just a comment on your blog.
Reply to Sheila
April 29th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
Don’t think too much of the future right now. Just take one day at a time. Go to therapy and concentrate on your thoughts and feelings today not tomorrow. *hugs*
Reply to Carrie
April 29th, 2006 at 9:28 pm
Sheila,
Thanks so much for your comment. It’s very comforting.
Reply to dementia
April 29th, 2006 at 9:29 pm
Carrie,
Thanks. I think I will do just that.
Reply to dementia
April 30th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
I hope it’ll get better. Although your post somewhat echoes what I have been feeling for like the past 2-3 years :-(. The depression, self-esteem issues (I have a big problem with that), non-existent career, my Dad’s death, etc. are really getting me down lately. Some days are good and some days I just don’t really care anymore. I don’t go to a therapist though. I can’t see myself talking about my “inner” thoughts to anyone (maybe I have trust issues too? heh) plus I don’t want to shell out money, that I don’t have, to hear something I already know.
Reply to Grace
May 2nd, 2006 at 12:55 am
Grace,
It’s good that you can manage without seeing a therapist. I really don’t want to be dependent on them and talking about problems is quite awful cos it’s like you’re reliving them. But damn, I guess I really need to talk to one. Maybe if I have more friends I wouldn’t need a therapist but my social skills is bad. I hope you’ll feel better too.
Reply to dementia