bury me in this dress

I really should have learned my lesson by now. Human beings always disappoint me in the end.

I had fun tonight. I went to Girlboy #5 which is sorta an indiepop gig. A few days ago, I was hesitant in going because I’ve been away from the scene for far too long. There were still some unresolved matters which I won’t discuss here.

Friday, I was decided to go. Scared but decided. I told myself that I need to do this for myself. I need them so I should just swallow my pride and let bygones be bygones.

Saturday noon, I was a bit hesitant. I have no one to go there with. I was worried. I was scared that I would feel out of place. 9PM, I dressed up and I was out the door by 10.

I think I arrived there at 10:30 pm. I was clueless. I thought it would be in a bar but it turns out that the event is in a house. I paid the entrance fee of 150 pesos then went to where the music was playing. I just watched the band play and looked around for familiar faces. There were a lot. I said a few hellos but I was still worried. The band finished so I approached said familiar faces. I became reaquainted with them and likewise. The next band played. And another. More reaquaintances. A lot of pats and hugs were exchanged. The most important was the pat I made to a particular girl. Then I felt relief. Not so relieved because there’s another person that I needed to “pat” but I didn’t. One step at a time. Maybe it will be alright someday. More bands. Booze was all over the place but I didn’t drink a single drop. By 1 pm, I was dancing. More chit-chats exchanged. Phone numbers too. When the event was over, I was still dancing as I walked out of the house.

note to self: never sniff around livejournal. you’ll just end up being depressed again.

Fuck! I am a miser. Is this karma for all the bad things I’ve ever done or is the universe just against me? I suspect tis biological though.

i’m being attacked by comment spams urging me to buy viagra, sony ericsson (which I already have), and cialis (which i don’t). it’s really annoying since i have to moderate all of them and my ratio of bonafide comments to spams is like 1:10 1:40. i had to take drastic measures and install more comment plugins which could mean that bonafide comments would be marked as spam, therefore, they won’t reach me. did i already mention that i hate spam?

Got this from darra

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.

But you can.

With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.

We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

We’re aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.

They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.

Please light your candle at http://www.lightamillioncandles.com or send an email of support to light@lightamillioncandles.com

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

Kindly forward this email to your friends, relatives and work colleagues so that they can light a candle too.

German Film Festival
Shangri La Mall
50 pesos

October 4 (W)

3 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy
5 PM The Other Final (2003) by Johann Kramer
7 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker
9 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy

October 5 (Th)

3 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker
5 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy
7 PM The Other Final (2003) by Johann Kramer
9 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker

October 6 (F)

1 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker
3 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy
5 PM Soundless/Lautlo (2004) by Mennan Yapo
7 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy
9 PM The Other Final (2003) by Johann Kramer

October 7 (Sa)

1 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy
3 PM The Other Final (2003) by Johann Kramer
5 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker
7 PM Soundless/Lautlo (2004) by Mennan Yapo
9 PM Go for Zucker! (2004) by Dani Levy

October 8 (Su)

1 PM The Other Final (2003) by Johann Kramer
3 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker
5 PM The Other Final (2003) by Johann Kramer
7 PM Goodbye Lenin! (2003) by Wolfgang Becker
9 PM Soundless/Lautlo (2004) by Mennan Yapo

I spent most of the day trying to sleep off my anxiety attack. I have a 4 PM schedule with my psychiatrist and I didn’t feel ready to see him after 3 months of going AWOL on him. Not that my absence is a loss for him but he was trying to find the right medicine for my depression and he also wanted to have a talk with my mother. I was absent from work today because of the anxiety (and for watching Grey’s Anatomy episodes up to 3am) but surprisingly I don’t feel guilty. The driver picked me up and we got to the clinic just in time for the appointment. I did most of the talking. I blabbered about personal issues I couldn’t really write here. I also cried twice during the session. I rarely cry during sessions! My shrink thinks that my depression has been going on for far too long and he has to be more aggressive in prescribing me medicines. He said we need to find out soon which meds will work for me. And I agree with him. He said that after finding the right meds, the real counselling can begin.

The last time I tried new medicines, I ended up trying to kill myself.

It’s Eiga Sai time once again. I wasn’t able to watch last year’s horror marathon. Boo hoo. Anyway, anybody wants to join me this year?

Eiga Sai (Japanese Film Festival)
Shangri La Cinema 3
Free admission

September 13 (W)

2 PM All Under The Moon (1993) by Yoichi Shi

September 14 (Th)

2 PM Bright Future (2002) by Kiyoshi Kurosawa
5 PM Face (1999) by Junji Sakamoto
8 PM Laughing Frog (2002) by Hideyuki Hirayama

September 15 (F)

2 PM Owl (2003) by Kaneto Shindo
5 PM Nine Souls (2003) by Toshiaki Toyada
8 PM Dora-Heita (2000) by Kon Ichikawa

September 16 (Sa)

2 PM Face (1999) by Junji Sakamoto
5 PM Mark’s Mountain (1995) by Yoichi Sai
8 PM Twilight Samurai (2002) by Yoji Yamada

September 17 (Su)

2 PM Kishiwada Bad Boys (1996) Kazuyuki Izutsu
5 PM Women in Mirror (2002) by Yoshishige Yoshida
8 PM Dora-Heita (2000) by Kon Ichikawa

September 18 (M)

2 PM Twilight Samurai (2002) by Yoji Yamada
5 PM Laughing Frog (2002) by Hideyuki Hirayama
8 PM Bright Future (2002) by Kiyoshi Kurosawa

September 19 (Tu)

2 PM Nine Souls (2003) by Toshiaki Toyada
5 PM Owl (2003) by Kaneto Shindo
8 PM Women in Mirror (2002) by Yoshishige Yoshida

I’m starting to feel better. I guess your replies to my previous posts helped me a lot so thanks much! I feel loved.

My depression is back. I started feeling it crawl back in two weeks ago and by Wednesday I really felt it. I feel so hideous and ugly and this time, I believe I am all those. I also couldn’t function normally. I’ve been very cranky in the office and I’ve been feeling so lethargic so now I haven’t been reporting to work. I just sleep all day or watch House episodes. I’m still taking my anti-depressants and started taking anti-anxiety meds again. They don’t work obviously. I had mom make me an appointment with my psychiatrist but for some fucking reason he’s always booked. I have a tentative schedule for Thursday but that’s probably gone by now because we didn’t confirm. I hate my shrink but I couldn’t find a better one.

I really hate my situation. I’m weepy most of the time. Maybe watching House triggers some of my episodes because he reminds me of myself. I have a lot on my mind right now, mostly about myself, but I couldn’t really post about them here. I just wish my mom is supportive. I should see the shrink regularly but she keeps on complaining about the cost of the medicine and the consultation so I don’t even if I want to see him sometimes. The people who I can talk to about this aren’t here anymore so I don’t really have any support. So yeah, I feel very lonely but what can I do? I was never a people person and have always found it hard to make new friends.

I recovered a memory of my childhood days today. I was in kindergarten and I was sitting alone, away from the other kids playing. I remember that I wanted to join them but I just didn’t know how. I also remember the sadness and loneliness I felt back then.

Nothing much changed in that aspect. I never learned how to really interact well with other people. Maybe there has always been something wrong with my brain. I want to find out if it’s only my brain that’s causing all this but if there’s a test for this, mom will just complain. I know she’ll think it’s unnecessary.

I want to be normal. To have friends. To have fun. Have some emotional support. Have the courage to go after my dreams. I want to be happy. But I know I’ll never be normal.