dementia in Tears ran abound this day. And I still feel like crying but I’m just so tired. Emotionally. Physically I am drained.
I went to my shrink this afternoon and for the first time since I started seeing him, I went over the 1 hour schedule. I cried during our discussions. I have too many issues. Issues with myself, my mother, former friends, etc. etc. etc. It was a good session though and I felt somehow better after it. He upped my dosage of Efexor and also told me to take Xanor at night. I will see him again after two weeks.
I hope Efexor is still the drug for me. I don’t want to change medication anymore. I’m tired of looking for the correct medicine for me. Maybe my current depression is hormonal and were triggered by circumstances. But Efexor made me fine. I want it to make me feel normal again.
My sixth sense is working well. When I got home around 6 PM, I know that mom would talk to me about serious matters. So I said a quick prayer to the Goddess and asked her help that whatever the result of the talk is, it wouldn’t make me feel suicidal again.
Around 10 PM while I was watching Project Runway, it happened. Mom got mad at me because of my sleeping habit. Well that was the start. She also talked about my sorry life, her sorry life because of her ungrateful children, my job, our company, etc. I won’t go into details. I was crying most the time. I tried to make her see my point and I hope it got to her. She also made me see her point and I know where she’s coming from. I understand her frustrations. But what can I do? I’m depressed. I feel fragile. And I know that I should pursue what I want, not what she wants since this is my life after all.
I have taken my Xanor for tonight and I hope it somehow calms my mind and heart. Goddess help me.
| 2.9 |
I had a crying spell during the dawn. Mostly a pity party for myself. Partly about thoughts on my future and how I don’t want to be stuck doing something I know isn’t right for me. I woke up mom and told her that I don’t her my heart really isn’t in the family business. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life so I told her that I want to create a store for plus size fashion. I need to study sewing and fashion design but I don’t have money to do that. She said that she would support me but I need to be focused and determined to make the business succeed. She would pay for the tuition and other things I need but she’s worried that this is going to be just a passing interest. I have a track record of doing that. I give up easily when I get frustrated with something I like. I’m worried too. I don’t want this to be just a passing fancy. I also have doubts if I can pull this off. I don’t know if I have the talent for this. So yes, I am very worried. At the same time, I’m thrilled and relieved. Also a bit guilty because I let her down, not succeeding the family business. That tarot reading really shook me. Right now, I’m just listening to my heart and it’s telling me that my decision is right. I hope the Gods are with me on this.
