bury me in this dress

Sometimes I envy my cousin. His writing ability in particular. Some of my friends and my relatives think he’s strange but I don’t agree with them. I think he’s gifted and he’s just not afraid to follow the norms.

Mom thinks he’s gay but I told her he isn’t. In case he is, what’s the big deal anyway? So he refuses to drive even though he has a car. He just prefers to commute or walk to wherever. That’s freedom from automotives and petrol. It’s healthy even.

My cousin is a deep thinker. He spends hours alone at cafes just writing in his journal, not an electronic one but with pen and paper. Now that he posts some of his writings in multiply, I’m getting to know him more and, at the same time, realizing how shallow I am. Unlike Paul, I avoid digging deep into myself. There are so many monsters in me. I just gloss over them, peek once in awhile, then move on to the next distraction. That’s how I am. That’s how I cope. Maybe that’s wrong and I should look into all my feelings and memories but I am just not strong enough to do that. Probably in psychotherapy I can confront my numerous life issues but alone, I don’t even want to try.

So that’s why this journal is vapid now. When I started this blog, I wrote a lot about my thoughts and depressive episodes. It’s strange that I don’t mind sharing my skeletons with total strangers when in real life I’m secretive. Things have changed for me since early last year…maybe even earlier. Mostly the changes were for the better but I don’t even write about those changes. Since this blog’s traffic has increased and I’ve met other bloggers through E.B.’s or whatever, writing about personal matters will make me feel exposed. My awful livejournal experience several years ago has taught me a valuable lesson about exposing my thoughts and opinions for the whole world to see. I won’t let that happen again, especially with this domain blog.

I digressed. Several minutes ago, I was wishing that my cousin has a domain blog as well so his writings would have more audience. I changed my mind now, especially since my cousin’s writings are very personal. I’ll just let him be. As for me, I’ll keep on posting trivial things and see how it goes.