bury me in this dress

I went back to my OB Gyne this afternoon. Mom went with me this time. I told the doctor that I’m still bleeding but she gave me the choice of having a D and C (dilation and curettage) or not. I told her I want it done so my period would stop and I wouldn’t have stomach cramps anymore. She informed us that the ultrasound showed a thing uneven lining in my uterus. She doesn’t know what it is but she’ll know when she performs the D and C on me. It might be totally nothing but she wants to totally rule out cancer. I thought I will be confined then and there but she asked me when I wanted to have the operation. I honestly wanted to get this over with today but she suggested Monday instead and I just said yes. I would have to be admitted very early though. And not ingest anything after 2 am that day. According to her the procedure won’t take long and I would be asleep the whole time. At least I don’t have to worry about pain.

I’d be lying if I say that I’m not worried. I am. I’m still scared that it will be painful even if she reassured me that it won’t be. I’m also a bit worried about the ultrasound findings but I was praying for that. I’m insane. I don’t want to talk about it.

This menstrual cycle is driving me insane. I’ve been emotional because of the fucked up hormones. I was even in a terrible crying spell yesterday. But that’s how my life is. PCOS isn’t curable. I already have it bad with clinical depression but the PCOS makes things worse. I actually don’t mind the possible infertility. I can try to ignore the abdominal cramps, heavy and prolonged bleeding, the constipation, insomnia, and other symptoms. But what I hate most about this condition is how it affects my mental state. I really felt myself sinking into depression this cycle. It felt like my anti-depressants were nullified. Hell, to be totally honest, I started cutting myself again. I am really hoping that the D and C will finally make me feel normal again. Come Tuesday, I’ll know if it worked.