bury me in this dress

The other morning, my mother talked to me. She revealed that she has depression again and that I’m the cause of it. I don’t know how to take that news. It is devastating. I mean, who wouldn’t feel awful when you happen to be the cause of someone’s depression. But I know and understand where she’s coming from. I’m just drifting through life and she wants more from me. I just don’t know where to get the energy, motivation, or urge to become someone she can be proud of. She wants me to prove I’m worthy to be called her daughter and to do something so her depression wouldn’t worsen. The problem is, what she said to me is affecting me badly and how it’s affecting me will worsen her depression. It’s a lose-lose situation. So now my depression has been re-triggered but I’m trying not to blame my mom for this. I don’t want to blame myself either but that’s the better option than blaming mom. I am aware that I am lacking in so many ways but with regard to my depression, it was becoming manageable. Honestly, if the Zoloft I’m taking isn’t working, the news would have shattered me more and I probably would have started cutting again. But I’m not so I guess that’s the silver lining to this.

To my relatives who happen to read this, please don’t mention that I blogged about what happened. Mom told me not to tell anyone but I badly need a release. Please.

I was browsing a site when I saw a banner of Wix. I was curious so I went to the site and played around with it. It lets members make webpages and widgets but it looks more like a scrapbook to me. If you are curious, bored, or want to look at what wix can do, go look at what I made.

This is my entry for the Crazy Bliss Giveaway where I can win a set of 5 greeting cards from Jennifer’s “Girls with Tea” series. If you want to join too, go to the contest page and read on how to earn entries.

Januarywish is giving away pretty prizes made by illustrator Alessandra Fussi and I want to win! Just look at the prizes.

The Snail Rider - Deluxe laminated bookmark

The White Rabbit - Fabric brooch (2nd version)

To enter, go to infinitales.etsy.com which is Alessandra’s Etsy shop and comment on Januarywish’s contest post what your favorite Alessandra item is. You can also earn additional contest entries by doing any of the following:

• Add infinitales.etsy.com to your etsy favorites.
• Buy something from infinitales.etsy.com & get FIVE extra comments!
• Follow Alessandra’s Blog
• Blog about the giveaway and link back to the contest page.
• Tweet about the giveaway.
• Stumble the contest.

Contest ends on August 22, 2009. I do hope I win!!!

One of my favorite directors just died. He brought us so many treasures back in the 80’s: Pretty In Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, Ferris Bueller…some of my favorites up to now. Rest in peace, John.

Been blogging about death a lot lately. Hmmm

A couple of hours ago, I was at the Nine Inch Nails concert. I’m not a die-hard fan but I do love some of their songs. Trent is still a rock god. He’s gorgeous and still sexy too so I’m really glad I got good seats. I watched with Marco and we bought our tickets as soon as the concert was announced. Shabby also went with us but she just bought her ticket today if I’m not mistaken. Anyway, I should have brought a camera. Ticketnet said they don’t allow cameras but there were so many people with cameras tonight. All I have are crappy shots from my iPhone. If I had a decent camera with me, I would have taken awesome shots because I was near the stage and the lighting was good. Instead, I got shots like this.

That would have been fine…sort of…except I stupidly forgot to charge my iPhone so the battery ran out even before the middle of the concert. I still had fun though. I saw some friends and familiar faces. I also missed seeing some which is a shame.

The setlist for the Philippine leg of their Wave Goodbye Tour is as follows:

• Somewhat Damaged
• Terrible Lie
• Heresy
• March of the Pigs
• Piggy
• Closer
• Reptile
• The Becoming
• I’m Afraid of Americans
• Burn
• Gave Up
• La Mer
• The Fragile
• Non-Entity
• Gone, Still
• The Downward Spiral
• Wish
• Survivalism
• Mr. Self Destruct
• Echoplex
• The Day The World Went Away
• Dead Souls (Joy Division cover)
• The Hand That Feeds
• Head Like A Hole
• Hurt

It was a great concert and if it really is their last tour, I’m even gladder I watched it.

The first time I heard about Cory Aquino, I was only 6 years old. It was during the time of People Power and I was already aware that something big is happening. Mom told me that the People Power is good. People are making a stand against the bad man, Ferdinand Marcos. Mom and her officemates planned to join the People Power and I told her that I wanted to go too. She wouldn’t let me, saying that it might be dangerous. She she went off with her mates and I learned that there were children with them. I felt cheated. I know it’s selfish of me but I was only 6 years old.

I guess I can say I grew up during Cory Aquino’s Presidency. I heard many complaints about how she was handling the country. I may have echoed the populace’s complaints once of twice but I was too absorbed with my growing pains. It was during Fidel Ramos’s term that I reflected that Mrs. Aquino had a very difficult job during her time as President. She had to restore democracy, had to still deal with the Marcoses and his supporters, had to deal with military unrest, had to learn protocols and everything that comes with being a President. She was a housewife and she was yanked to take care of us. Despite of the hardships, she was able to bridge the Philippines to other countries. Reagan was cordial because the Marcoses are his friends but Aquino was able to charm the other US politicians. She captured the heart of other world leaders.

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