What is my destiny?

I’m at a crossroad.

I can stay in my current lane and work for the family business but it stifles me and kind of goes against my set of beliefs. It makes good money though and working there is easy. Boring, yes, but easy and the pay is good compared to when I was working for others.

I can start my business but I sort of did this already when I bought a franchise from a small company. It’s not making money though and is pretty much a hassle.

I can be a full-fledged hedonist and just do whatever I want but that comes with a price…not just monetary.

Another option I’m currently considering is studying again. I’ve been gnawing on the thought of learning prosthetics make-up for a couple of years now but I never really thought hard about it because it will be a drastic change for me. I have to study abroad for it. I’m considering US or Canada, where there is a sure market for that career. It’s a short course actually, just several months, but the cost is staggering. I also have to consider where I will consider where I’ll live and how I’ll survive there. I can’t work in the Philippines after taking that course because the industry here hardly cares about good prosthetics and special effects and the pay will be a pittance. That means I have to leave my family, friends, and almost everything behind and start a new life elsewhere. That I’m afraid of. Very much so because socially awkward me has to make new friends again. Then I have to find replacements for the doctors I have here. What I really fear most is leaving my family behind and letting down my mother again. I know she wants us to be happy but she also wants someone to succeed her place in the business. She’ll also feel like she’s losing her daughter again (I left for the US years ago and stayed there for months). My last fear is the career might not be right for me. How would I know if I’m good at it when I’ve never tried it. For now it’s just fantasies in my head of working for the likes of Tim Burton and Peter Jackson. Drat! But I very much want to do that. To make my imaginary monsters into something physical and which can be seen on the silver screen. Even the small screen if I end up just working for direct-to-tv production, hopefully not.

Maybe this is midlife crisis. After all, I’ll be turning 35 this year and so many of my dreams I’ve given up on. I want to get rid of my jadedness and be positive. I’m happy that I have friends who support my dreams. Now it’s just up to me if this dream will go down the drain again or turn my life around.

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