I went to two of my shrinks (yes I have 2 now!!!) yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t expecting anything. I thought I was okay. But when I was talking with shrink #1…BAM! She was able to pull out from me the reason why I’ve been depressed almost all my life which is I don’t love myself. I am vain sometimes, I worry about my appearance. But those do not mean I care about myself. Well, that’s according to her and I think it rings true. I just do not care about my health. I do not care if I die young. She said that I need to learn how to love and accept myself. I asked her how but she said she can’t answer that for me because it needs to come from me. *groans*. As I stared at her blankly, she told me to buy a self-affirmation book and learn from it. The loving self business will take time, she said. I have to stop being my own worst enemy, she said. Only then will I be able to find my purpose in life, my passion, what I want to live for.
I was so exhausted after our 1 hour session that during my time with shrink #2 I just sat dumbly. Very spent.
I still am overwhelmed but I got myself a self-help book from Booksale Makati Cinema Square. I read a few pages and it’s cognitive therapy for depressives like me. The book looks promising and from what I’ve read, involves a lot of introspection which I hate to do. If it will really help me I’ll definitely try to do the activities in the book.
Oh help me, God.