I watched the Dexter marathon on Fox Crime. I really like that show. Anyway, I have 2 crushes there.

Sam Witwer who played Neil Perry, the Icetruck killer wannabe. He looks a tad geeky but he’s buff and handsome. Yummy!

Christian Camargo who played Rudy Cooper. He’s so deliciously twisted and sexay too!

Wala lang. Just wanted a post about them. hehehe

I’ve been emotionally unstable for…I don’t know how long cos it just feels like forever. However, I became more unstable when I attended my cousin’s wedding last Sunday afternoon. I didn’t want to go. I don’t really like weddings because the one that might have really mattered to me became a failed marriage. I also think they’re a waste of time and effort, what with having to get all dolled up even if the spotlight is only pointed at the bride. I had to attend this wedding though. My cousin asked me to take photos of his event because he was asked to write about it for a newspaper and a magazine. So I did go as a favor for him even if I was reluctant.

I expected a grand, lavish wedding so I was surprised at how few guests were in the church. I thought they would have invited more since they could afford to splurge on this momentous occasion but I guess they wanted to have a solemn one. The bride looked stunning in her simple wedding down. The groom, my cousin looked dapper in a black suit. What really mattered is how they looked at each other. The love couldn’t be missed. It’s so obvious in their eyes. The couple cried quite a lot during the ceremony but I didn’t expect that I would have tears in my eyes too.

It was during the exchange of vows. I don’t remember the exact words but what the bride said really twisted my heart. It was beautiful and sincere. She said something about them being travel partners and how they would take care of each other forever, support each other, never leave each other’s sides. I cried because of it was truly touching. I also cried because I know I would not find a person who can be my life partner. I will never be able to make my mother happy with a marriage, my marriage, because I don’t see that ever happening to me. People keep on saying that it will happen to me, that my time will come someday. How can I convince them that even my heart believes it’s a hopeless case? It’s a gut feeling and there’s a finality to it. That I have no other choice but to accept? Maybe my friends and family are just denying this inevitability. Or perhaps they are just trying to comfort me. I know what my future holds though and I cannot be comforted and I don’t really want to. I want everyone to just accept that because I don’t want my marriage to add to the growing list of disappointments because of me.

Marriage isn’t meant for everyone. I want it to be meant for me but it’s not in my genetic makeup. I’m fucked up. I have so many baggages. If I were a product, I’d be damaged goods. Nobody wants someone like that for a life partner. I wouldn’t want me as a life partner even. I could hardly take care of myself so how can I take care of a husband, a family? It will be unfair to him even if I do manage to find someone dumb enough to want to be with me. If ever I get blinded by love and agree to get married, how long will the magic last? 1 year? 2 years? After that, we’ll just be another pair to add to the growing number of separations and divorces. That is not going to happen. I won’t allow it to happen. It doesn’t even look close that something like that will happen because I’m already 30 and there’s no man in my life right now. But why does that make me so sad?

I went with my family to Galleria and Powerplant malls and ended up spending again… just when I am trying to save money. Haaay. I bought small hoop earrings for Yasu (although I still haven’t drilled holes in his ears) and Paul Frank wellies at Anthem. The wellies were a bit expensive but I think it’s worth it. I’ve always wanted to buy galoshes and was tempted to buy from Plueys before but I was hesitant because I couldn’t fit them first. I have humongous feet and finding shoes which fit and look nice on my feet is terribly hard. I think it was good timing for me because the store only had 2 designs and both were size 9/10. After I tried the pink one I didn’t take it off anymore. I really love it even if most of my clothes would clash with the color. To hell with it! I’m tired of seeing really nice shoes which don’t fit!

I am now made of WIN!

At least for a day. I want to watch the concert of My Chemical Romance this January 29 (or is it 25?). I don’t like their music but I find the lead singer hawt.

What can I say? I like guys pasty white guys with eyeliner. He also looks young (!!!) even if he’s just my age. I don’t want to waste my money for the concert though. If I can drag a friend with me, I’ll hang out outside the concert venue and buy from a scalper maybe halfway through the concert so I can get cheap front seats. Or maybe we could bully some high school kids there and steal their tickets. I doubt I could convince any of my friends to go with me though. Pfft.

Speaking of emo, my friend said I am one since I’m depressive and sometimes whiney. I was so offended when he said that but maybe he’s right. Now I find his comment funny. But I still don’t want to be emo. I associate it with angsty teeny bopper sissy mallrats. Then again, I have the maturity of one. Oh no!

Just a bonus. I found this somewhere on the net. David Bowie can kick Gerard Way’s butt anytime

I don’t think Bowie was bad in Labyrinth!!!

I don’t have any diamond jewelry. I didn’t inherit any from my dearly departed relatives. My mom has a couple but keeps it. I’m 30 and my finances are better now than several years ago but I don’t use my money to buy sparklies. Instead I spend it on collectable toys, clothes, bags, shoes, gadgets, and for gimmicks with friends. I’m childlike but at my age, I think a diamond stud earrings will be nice.

Goldsmith Jewelry has been serving the Orlando residents for over 30 years and it’s about time that they formally launch a web store in order to sell to people from all over the US and other countries. They have a contest for bloggers and the prize is a pair of diamond stud earrings. I’m hoping to win the prize!

Joiz sent me a sexual position quiz on facebook and I got “69″. It says

You believe life is about the journey, not the destination. You discovered porn at an early age and haven’t looked back since. You probably should look back every now and then because someone might be watching the porn over your shoulder. The good news is that you’re an expert at clearing your web browser’s history. Your friends wish they were as uninhibited and as free as you are. You’re turning me on.

True! I discovered porn at an early age and the joy of masturbation at an even younger age. My libido used to be so healthy but my anti-depressants kills it. Sexual urges show up from time to time, often rare and unpredictable. My Libido’s light is on green these days but I don’t have a man to satiate IT. There’s always self pleasuring but it can get tiring since I’ve been celibate for YEARS. That wasn’t my choice though. Boo hoo.

Whatevs. One of the other results which I didn’t get is the “cowgirl”. I had no idea what that is and had to persuade Joiz to tell me. I thought it involves the girl sitting on a man’s face (sorry for the graphic detail but how else can I explain my idea?!) but she said it’s only women on top. Okay. At least I know now. I may have learned about masturbation and porn at a young age but it’s mostly the one-woman-act kinda sex.

Been listening to this track by The Radio Dept.

It’s been eight years
I’d like to travel through time
But I can’t do that
I never knew that good experiences
Could cause a pain like this
I want something that I can’t have

I close my eyes and someone is calling my name
I lean over the window pane
And in the distance I can just about catch a glimpse of us
We had a ball
We had it all

I still feel depressed but I know it’s just because I’m bitter and sour graping about Bishie. I’m lucky when it comes to money, family, even friends sometimes. When it comes to romance, I’m a loser. I should feel blessed because I have it easy compared to most people but I do want some romance once in a while. I only had one boyfriend and that was almost 7 years ago. After that relationship, my love life went downhill. I could hardly even remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. I’m the one who dumped the guy so maybe what’s been happening to me is bad karma. The guy said I ruined his life. I doubt that I did because he had a lot of girlfriends after me. Feh…sometimes I think that I was a big slut in my past life and it’s my fate to be loveless this lifetime

I think seeing Bishie isn’t doing me good. It brought back unpleasant memories of not only him but other similar experiences. I took half a Xanax. I hope it works. I’ll sleep now. I hope when I wake up the anxiety will be gone. Or I will have horrid dreams and wake up all panicky. Ugh