I consider the time I am with my relatives as the time I’m most myself. Although I don’t spill out my guts to them, tell them my deepest and darkest secrets, nor use expletives in front of them, I still feel like I’m my truest self. No pretentions, no masks, just plain me. Tonight, was my sister and me’s birthday blowout. We invited our close relatives to a buffet dinner at Crowne Plaza Hotel. Some weren’t able to make it and even though that disappointed me, the relatives who were there made up for the others’ absences. I had a good time. We talked about different topics ranging from stock exchange, Rene Saguisag, Hong Kong, Jimmy Kimmel thinking that Filipinos don’t speak/write English, the possibility that my absent cousin might be gay, etc. That’s how we are when we get together.
So when I am with them, my defenses are down. I don’t have to be tough when I’m with them. When I went to the restroom, a young girl and her little sister smirked when they saw me. I ignored them. No. I tried to ignore them but their smirk affected me. I know they were smirking because I’m fat and it hurt. A lot. I quickly washed my hands and left the room but as I was returning to my family, I was teary-eyed. I put on my “tough mask” and got some desserts then went to our table.
Maybe it was just my hormones or maybe I was depressed. I just feel so tired of trying to be tough. I’m tired of pretending that incidents like that don’t affect me. Who would want to be laughed at just because of how they look physically? But I need to be tough for my own good. I need to be tough in order to survive and keep on living. I’m just so goddamn tired of this, that’s all.
I had a crying spell during the dawn. Mostly a pity party for myself. Partly about thoughts on my future and how I don’t want to be stuck doing something I know isn’t right for me. I woke up mom and told her that I don’t her my heart really isn’t in the family business. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life so I told her that I want to create a store for plus size fashion. I need to study sewing and fashion design but I don’t have money to do that. She said that she would support me but I need to be focused and determined to make the business succeed. She would pay for the tuition and other things I need but she’s worried that this is going to be just a passing interest. I have a track record of doing that. I give up easily when I get frustrated with something I like. I’m worried too. I don’t want this to be just a passing fancy. I also have doubts if I can pull this off. I don’t know if I have the talent for this. So yes, I am very worried. At the same time, I’m thrilled and relieved. Also a bit guilty because I let her down, not succeeding the family business. That tarot reading really shook me. Right now, I’m just listening to my heart and it’s telling me that my decision is right. I hope the Gods are with me on this.
