So I went to my shrink this afternoon because of the worsening depression and some family problems. I was expecting that I will be weeping the entire time I was there. Surprisingly I didn’t because he was really being  ridiculous. I told him about my state of mind lately and about how I’m a big disappointment, etc. His answers were too funny. He said that yes, I may be a disappointment to some people’s eyes but I have my own standards too. I should just accept that people will always be disappointed with me. I’m chill compared to my family of workaholics. I should just accept that I’m “abnormal”. He asked me what I would be doing if I have no pressure from my family. I said that if I have lots of money and absolutely no pressure, I will probably just stay at home and chill and go out sometimes to pursue my hobbies and likes. But since I’m not rich, I want to marry a rich guy. He said that there are a lot of guys out there who are workaholic and wants a  low maintenance wife he can take care of. I told him that I want a hubby who won’t overwhelm me and just let me be free to pursue my interests. He said that guys like that are atypical, like 1 in 100,000. I told him I’m doomed to be a spinster then. Later on, he said maybe I have a chance if I marry a rich Chinese guy since they’re usually workaholic. He suggested that I hang out where those kinds of people usually go to. I have no idea where that is and what their interests usually are. So I asked him. He doesn’t know and only came up with “business”. Sheesh. But what he said cheered me up. He confirmed how abnormal I am and that I’m so different from my family. If I judge myself according to my standards, I wouldn’t be disappointed with myself and he is right. But the idea is so foreign to me since I’m surrounded by a clan of workaholics. We talked about other things and I stayed there for more than an hour. At least I got my money…erm my mother’s money’s worth.

I am feeling so low right now. You wouldn’t even be able to imagine how shitty I’m feeling. It’s really bad. I couldn’t talk about what happened because it’s personal but it involves a member of my family and some weirds which made me feel worthless. It just hurts so much but I feel guilty at the same time. Not that the guild would change anything. It just exacerbates the feeling and situation. If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog, you’ll know that I have difficulties dealing with things especially when it involves a certain family member. There’s only a few people in my family so make a guess. I won’t mention who it is though. That person’s words have the power to drive me over the edge sometimes. And I just don’t really know how to process it emotionally. I just don’t have the capacity in my psyche. I had no choice but to make an appointment with my shrink and I got lucky this time because he has an available slot for me for Thursday afternoon. I should feel a bit relieved but all sorts of feelings are gnawing me on the inside and I couldn’t describe it even if I tried. Added to this, she thinks I should just let go and give up my shrink, my anti-depressants, and my sleeping pills. She must be insane. If not for those, I’d be dead right now.

I went back to my OB Gyne this afternoon. Mom went with me this time. I told the doctor that I’m still bleeding but she gave me the choice of having a D and C (dilation and curettage) or not. I told her I want it done so my period would stop and I wouldn’t have stomach cramps anymore. She informed us that the ultrasound showed a thing uneven lining in my uterus. She doesn’t know what it is but she’ll know when she performs the D and C on me. It might be totally nothing but she wants to totally rule out cancer. I thought I will be confined then and there but she asked me when I wanted to have the operation. I honestly wanted to get this over with today but she suggested Monday instead and I just said yes. I would have to be admitted very early though. And not ingest anything after 2 am that day. According to her the procedure won’t take long and I would be asleep the whole time. At least I don’t have to worry about pain.

I’d be lying if I say that I’m not worried. I am. I’m still scared that it will be painful even if she reassured me that it won’t be. I’m also a bit worried about the ultrasound findings but I was praying for that. I’m insane. I don’t want to talk about it.

This menstrual cycle is driving me insane. I’ve been emotional because of the fucked up hormones. I was even in a terrible crying spell yesterday. But that’s how my life is. PCOS isn’t curable. I already have it bad with clinical depression but the PCOS makes things worse. I actually don’t mind the possible infertility. I can try to ignore the abdominal cramps, heavy and prolonged bleeding, the constipation, insomnia, and other symptoms. But what I hate most about this condition is how it affects my mental state. I really felt myself sinking into depression this cycle. It felt like my anti-depressants were nullified. Hell, to be totally honest, I started cutting myself again. I am really hoping that the D and C will finally make me feel normal again. Come Tuesday, I’ll know if it worked.

I’m feeling better now. I had awful vivid dreams mostly involving me crying but I guess I just needed a dose of American Idol to feel less glum. I failed to mention that I even called Crisis Line this morning. 6 am in fact. I think I woke the person who answered the phone. The talk didn’t help me much but it was suggested that I try the monthly gathering of depressives at Makati Med. I don’t feel like socializing though. I’ll give more thought about it first.

Ms. Plath, I’m sorry that I compared myself to you. It must have been insulting. Who am I anyway? I don’t even write poetry.

The gloom of Holy Week is getting to me. That and my fucked up hormones. It’s 6 am and didn’t even get a few minutes of sleep because my mind is playing with me once again. I’ve been mulling about my life and how much of a loser I am. I have nothing to show and be proud of. All of my ambitions never saw daylight because I squashed them early. I don’t know why I do it. I wish I knew so I can work on it.

Even my depression sucks. Maybe I would have more achievements if I were bipolar. But I’m stuck with the staring-into-space-doing-nothing kind of depression. Why didn’t I get the one that Sylvia Plath had? She was able to write moving literary pieces BECAUSE of her depression. I wouldn’t want to end up sticking my head in an oven but even if I did, I won’t have any legacy. Nothing to show except this crap of a blog. No awards, citations, or any kind of achievement. My work with ISAA is almost non-existent. If Allen accepted  my resignation before, my successor would probably doing a superb job. Well, ISAA is stuck with me and I pity the organization. They could have gotten someone better.

I hope this funk was just caused by Holy Week. I hate hate hate Holy Week. I’m not a Catholic but I’m forced to observe it because this country is predominantly Catholic. I’m not bashing Catholicism here. I just hate being forced into this depressing tradition.

I found out about In Touch through Touched By An Angel’s blog. In Touch is a non-profit counseling service which was initially established for expats but now also caters to Filipinos, especially those who need counseling. They’re run by volunteers and if I’m not mistaken, focus their activities on Crisis Line. The group may be contacted through the following:

Office Address: 2/F, 48 McKinley Road, North Forbes Park, Makati City, Metro Manila, Philippines
Office Phones: +63 2 8931893 /8106233
Fax: +63 2 8931892
Website: www.in-touch.org
E-mail: intouch@i-manila.com.ph
Crisis Line: +63 2 8937603 /+63 2 8937606
Mobile Text messaging: type hello crisisline and send to 2333 (Globe) or 211 (Smart)

I wish I had known these numbers several years ago (you know what I’m talking about, my loyal blog readers). For those who are suicidal or needs emotional support, take note that the Crisis Line is open up to 9PM only. I hope they’re be available 24/7 soon.

UPDATE

I emailed Crisis Line last night expressing my support for their service and they informed me that they operate 24/7 now. Here is their reply:

Thank you for emailing In Touch.

For your information, our crisis line counseling is available 24/7. Please call 893 1893 for more information.

Rica S. Gonzales
Counseling Coordinator

I went to my shrink last night at 9PM. Yes, PM. I think my doctor is good but it’s a big pain in the ass when it comes to scheduling an appointment with him. Anyway, he said that I do seem a whole lot better but not totally normal yet. I agree with him because I can feel it. I’m already taking the maximum dosage for Efexor. He wants me back on lithium to boost the effects of my anti-depressant. I’m scared of lithium. I really am. I read that if I accidentally overdose on it, I can die or have brain damage. Fucking scary! I know I said entries ago that I want to die but I don’t want that for me anymore. I hope the doctor will be able to find an alternative to lithium. He’s thinking of increasing my Efexor even if I’m already maxed but I think this is better than taking lithium.

I’m still in the dumps but while I’m in this state, you might as well try the music I recommend. Listen to this cover of “Love Is Blue” by the Future Bible Heroes. It’s nice.

Been listening to this track by The Radio Dept.

It’s been eight years
I’d like to travel through time
But I can’t do that
I never knew that good experiences
Could cause a pain like this
I want something that I can’t have

I close my eyes and someone is calling my name
I lean over the window pane
And in the distance I can just about catch a glimpse of us
We had a ball
We had it all