bury me in this dress

Me and my family will be travelling to Thailand next week. We’ll stay in Pattaya for 4 days and Bangkok for 3. I’m excited eventhough we won’t be going to Koh Samui. I’ve never been to Thailand but from what I’ve read and heard, it’s really a beautiful place. I have doubts about Pattaya though. From the pictures on the net, the beach doesn’t look clean. And it’s not blue unlike the one in Koh Samui. I think the Philippine counterpart of Pattaya is the beaches in Batangas. Well, I’ll find out next week.

I’ve been in a terrible mood since last week. I think it was triggered when my mom said no to El Nido then Koh Samui. I felt so let down. Sure, that sounds really shallow but I’m emotionaly unstable so I can’t help it. I felt better after the weekend in Highlands but my temper still flares every so often. It’s not pretty but it’s a struggle to control.

Sometimes I wish I don’t have depression. This condition really sucks and it’s totally draining emotionally and physically. I wonder how it would feel like if I never had this. I bet my life would be totally different and I would be more sociable and pleasant. But I have no basis for comparison since I’ve had this since forever. Actually I am not sure if this is JUST depression. I’ve never been tested by a psychologist. I was just diagnosed as a depressive after a nervous breakdown and that was done by a psychiatrist. I’ve been through several shrinks already but all they do is prescribe medications so I think they’re not getting the entire picture. I feel like I have borderline personality disorder and I think I’m a classic case for it. I really need to find myself a psychologist who could diagnose me properly. I also need psychotherapy but I don’t trust the therapists in the Philippines. I went to one before and she said I was shallow. WTF? I thought therapists are supposed to be supportive. That bitch celebrity therapist made me feel more awful about myself. After that session, I never went back to her and I think it’s a smart move.