I think seeing Bishie isn’t doing me good. It brought back unpleasant memories of not only him but other similar experiences. I took half a Xanax. I hope it works. I’ll sleep now. I hope when I wake up the anxiety will be gone. Or I will have horrid dreams and wake up all panicky. Ugh

I consider the time I am with my relatives as the time I’m most myself. Although I don’t spill out my guts to them, tell them my deepest and darkest secrets, nor use expletives in front of them, I still feel like I’m my truest self. No pretentions, no masks, just plain me. Tonight, was my sister and me’s birthday blowout. We invited our close relatives to a buffet dinner at Crowne Plaza Hotel. Some weren’t able to make it and even though that disappointed me, the relatives who were there made up for the others’ absences. I had a good time. We talked about different topics ranging from stock exchange, Rene Saguisag, Hong Kong, Jimmy Kimmel thinking that Filipinos don’t speak/write English, the possibility that my absent cousin might be gay, etc. That’s how we are when we get together.

So when I am with them, my defenses are down. I don’t have to be tough when I’m with them. When I went to the restroom, a young girl and her little sister smirked when they saw me. I ignored them. No. I tried to ignore them but their smirk affected me. I know they were smirking because I’m fat and it hurt. A lot. I quickly washed my hands and left the room but as I was returning to my family, I was teary-eyed. I put on my “tough mask” and got some desserts then went to our table.

Maybe it was just my hormones or maybe I was depressed. I just feel so tired of trying to be tough. I’m tired of pretending that incidents like that don’t affect me. Who would want to be laughed at just because of how they look physically? But I need to be tough for my own good. I need to be tough in order to survive and keep on living. I’m just so goddamn tired of this, that’s all.

I’ve been feeling depressed again lately. It started last Friday when it occurred to me that I don’t have the right to have a crush. I know it’s alright to have crushes but I feel like I shouldn’t have one. My track record with past crushes is really bad and I always end up feeling hurt, ugly, and undesirable. That’s not only my opinion. A couple of people have told me that nobody would ever like me back so that has become a touchy topic with me now. I shouldn’t let what they said bother me but my past experiences have proven their point. Friends tell me that isn’t true and that I just haven’t met the right person yet. I don’t believe that. I have a gut feeling that I would spend my life alone. It scares the hell out of me but I just have to learn how to deal with that.

Eh. I haven’t written here for awhile. Let’s see. I’ve been hot-headed lately. I don’t know why but petty annoyances make me flare up. I also think I’m becoming dumber. I suspect it has something to do with my medications. One of which is Lithium which I’ve been taking for almost a month now but scares the hell out of me. Really scary shit. I don’t think it’s helping me much either but I’ll see after a couple more weeks. If after that I’m still depressed, I have to start from scratch again. I really don’t want to try all sorts of medications again but no choice really unless I want to remain like this.  Enough about this.

I sell stuff on multiply. I’m not successful since I still have a lot of unsold items. I might be one of the surliest sellers there so I’m not surprised that I hardly sell anything. Hehe.

Phoebe got back last Saturday. She brought me a San-X Rellakuma plushy because she couldn’t find a Nyanko. Waaah. She also gave me a nice Hello Kitty lolita plastic case. I’ll try to take a photo of it tonight. My favorite is the plastic umbrella she gave me. I had to beg her to give me one instead of another Rellakuma bear. So now I have one of those transparent umbrellas I keep on seeing in doramas. Yay! I love it! I’ll use it soon.

We weren’t able to go out Saturday night since I was pooped so we did on Sunday. We went to Greenbelt to watch Ratatoille and we saw Derek Ramsey. What a hottie! I wanted to talk to him but I got all shy. Blech I don’t want to be a fan girl but I watch Ysabella because he’s there. Sometimes I disgust myself. Ha ha.

Enough rambling for now. Back to work.

I had a very trying day. I was very busy working on a presentation. On top of that, something has been bothering me since last night. I can’t discuss the specifics since it involves my family but because of it, my depression was triggered again. It’s kind of resolved now but it really zapped my energy. My eyes hurt and are swollen from crying too. I don’t want to sleep yet though. I want to read or watch something to amuse myself but my eyes are defying me.

I had a minor panic attack last night. I don’t know how and why it happened but it was already late. Around 4 am when I finished re-watching Hana Yori Dango 2. I just suddenly began worrying about the future and then I started hyperventilating. I still feel so unsettled at the moment and I already took a tranquilizer.

The future…I realized I couldn’t face it head on. My blinders were removed last night and I saw a dismal future for me. I saw how selfish I was being and how unfair I am to my family and to everyone for that matter. But I couldn’t survive without the blinders. Reality is just too painful for me. I know I can’t keep on escaping but I don’t know what else to do. I’ll go crazy with the burden. So I said a quick prayer this morning, apologizing to the Gods and Goddesses because I need to be selfish again and put the blinders back.

I was watching tv a couple of days ago. I think it was on National Geographic or Discovery Channel. Anyway, there was a short feature on Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. He’s a spiritual guru and all of his disciples (?) were smiling the whole time Mr. Shankar was with them. They must really respect him.

People from all over India come to him to seek enlightenment or ask for help to heal sicknesses. One of the exercises he makes the people do is a simple breathing exercise with simple arm movements. A follower of Shankar was interviewed. She’s young and always had dizzy spells and headaches. After going to him, she was healed.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s breathing exercise was studied by a psychiatrist and, when interviewed, the scientist said that the exercise works on depression. The patients do get better.

I want to know the exercise being taught by Ravi Shankar. I’m hoping that it will heal my depression.

Addendum

I thought that Sri Sri is the father of Nora Jones. Turns out that her father is Ravi Shankar, not a guro, but a sitar virtuoso.

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed since 2 weeks ago. I know how it started. I became disappointed with my class at FIP. It used to be so fun but when the new batch came and there were only 4 of us in my batch left, I felt like we were being neglected by the teachers. We had to make do with any spare space left and had to call the attention of our teachers when we’re finished with assigned tasks because they’re with the other batches. I know that sounds so immature but I feel a bit abandoned by some batchmates and the teachers. Weird but that’s how I feel. And I miss all the fun we had. The 2nd term has started 2 weeks ago and I didn’t enroll. I was going to miss a lot of classes because of the trip and I didn’t feel like continuing just yet because of the way things were going. I’ll enroll this July and while waiting, I will take up sewing there.

The depression is now affecting other aspects of my life. I’ve disappointed my mom again because I’ve become so unreliable. I’m also very disappointed with myself. I wonder how I can rise above this. *sigh*