bury me in this dress

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed since 2 weeks ago. I know how it started. I became disappointed with my class at FIP. It used to be so fun but when the new batch came and there were only 4 of us in my batch left, I felt like we were being neglected by the teachers. We had to make do with any spare space left and had to call the attention of our teachers when we’re finished with assigned tasks because they’re with the other batches. I know that sounds so immature but I feel a bit abandoned by some batchmates and the teachers. Weird but that’s how I feel. And I miss all the fun we had. The 2nd term has started 2 weeks ago and I didn’t enroll. I was going to miss a lot of classes because of the trip and I didn’t feel like continuing just yet because of the way things were going. I’ll enroll this July and while waiting, I will take up sewing there.

The depression is now affecting other aspects of my life. I’ve disappointed my mom again because I’ve become so unreliable. I’m also very disappointed with myself. I wonder how I can rise above this. *sigh*

I just came from a goth gig somewhere in Quezon City. I had nothing to do so I went. Couldn’t find a friend who wanted to go with me so I went alone. It was okay although I felt so alone around 1 am so I left. Everybody there was with friends and most knew one another. I only know 2 persons there and they were with some people so they only talked to me briefly. I wasn’t expecting them to hang out with me. I just want to make that clear. I’m wondering if I give off the vibes that I don’t want to meet new people. Ugh. I was hoping I would make some new friends but that didn’t happen. So after awhile I thought that I was just kidding myself and that the situation is so pathetic. Might as well leave before I really feel sorry for myself. So I did. And bought food from Mc Donald’s to console myself.

Life is good to me. It’s just my damn depression that’s ruining it. I invited some people from the depression mailing list to go with me to Fontana on the 31st. That should be good except that only a few will be coming. That might be awkward.

It’s the weekend again. I feel lonely when I have no plans for the weekend. Or the only plans I have involve going out with my family or relatives. I want to hang out with friends but most are out of the country. *sigh* I feel like a loser.

Anyway, I got locked out of my multiply store so I created another one. It’s at mseerie.multiply.com in case you want to check it out.

Tears ran abound this day. And I still feel like crying but I’m just so tired. Emotionally. Physically I am drained.

I went to my shrink this afternoon and for the first time since I started seeing him, I went over the 1 hour schedule. I cried during our discussions. I have too many issues. Issues with myself, my mother, former friends, etc. etc. etc. It was a good session though and I felt somehow better after it. He upped my dosage of Efexor and also told me to take Xanor at night. I will see him again after two weeks.

I hope Efexor is still the drug for me. I don’t want to change medication anymore. I’m tired of looking for the correct medicine for me. Maybe my current depression is hormonal and were triggered by circumstances. But Efexor made me fine. I want it to make me feel normal again.

My sixth sense is working well. When I got home around 6 PM, I know that mom would talk to me about serious matters. So I said a quick prayer to the Goddess and asked her help that whatever the result of the talk is, it wouldn’t make me feel suicidal again.

Around 10 PM while I was watching Project Runway, it happened. Mom got mad at me because of my sleeping habit. Well that was the start. She also talked about my sorry life, her sorry life because of her ungrateful children, my job, our company, etc. I won’t go into details. I was crying most the time. I tried to make her see my point and I hope it got to her. She also made me see her point and I know where she’s coming from. I understand her frustrations. But what can I do? I’m depressed. I feel fragile. And I know that I should pursue what I want, not what she wants since this is my life after all.

I have taken my Xanor for tonight and I hope it somehow calms my mind and heart. Goddess help me.

Still depressed but what can I do? Anyway, I want this lomo. Too fucking expensive though.

I couldn’t even afford a regular lomo.

I want to promote my friend’s store. She makes awesome accessories. I just got this from her.

Check out her stuff at  estrellasaccessories.multiply.com/

I’m depressed again. I just want this to end. It seems like I’m depressed every weekend now. I’m so fucking sick of this.

I’ve been feeling depressed since last night. There were some triggers but I won’t discuss them here. I’ll just say that when I was about to sleep, I was thinking about my cat Aria. She was mad at me but it was only last night that she visited me again and rubbed against me. I miss her and I know I betrayed here when we got Vyolette. So I was thinking about that last night and how much I love Aria. Then I started crying. I got to thinking what if Aria dies? I would be so depressed. I love her very much. Also Vyolette. I don’t want them to die. Then I remembered that I read in a Pinoy forum about cremation and burial services for pets. I will definitely cremate them when they die so they will always be close to me.

Nuts.

I think I got to sleep very late because I was agitated. Perhaps it was already 3 am or 4.

I didn’t want to go to work when the maid woke me up this morning but I had some things to do so I went to work. I was very moody, depressed, irritable. I wasn’t nice to some of my clients. I felt really crummy so I decided to impulse buy.

A Canon Ixus 60. Bought it for P20,950. Installment basis for 12 months at 0% interest. Expensive but I like it and I can really use it.
After work, there was a family gathering. I had to go to mass but I didn’t pray.  I just sat there and thought about different things. Then we had dinner at the Fort. I began to relax and enjoyed my time with the relatives. Thank Goddess for them.

Mom and I tried to sing Janis Ian’s At Seventeen during last Saturday’s karaoke party but we couldn’t because we weren’t too familiar with the tune of the song. We recently discovered it while watching Entertainment Tonight when the singer was interviewed. A few days ago, I asked mom why she didn’t know that song since it was popular during her time. She answered that maybe she just didn’t notice it but added that most probably it’s because she couldn’t relate to that song since she was very popular and had many suitors back then. I wanted to give a smart retort but I couldn’t come up with anything so I just let it go. I like that song because I could relate to it so much.

When I was 17, I wasn’t popular with the boys. I wasn’t popular with the girls either. In school, I was pretty much a loner. I had a few friends but we couldn’t really spend much time with each other since it was a busy time, us being seniors after all. I felt so unloved during that time and I yearned for a boyfriend so much. Often I daydreamed that my crushes like me back and I would pretend that they always call me, send me presents and love letters, whisper sweet nothings, etc. I was still 17 when I was a college freshman and although I had more friends, my love life was still pretty much the same. Actually up to now but I’ve definitely moved on and don’t even think of that matter as a problem.

My experiences are so different from mom’s and my sister’s. Sometimes I wonder if they think there’s something wrong with me because I never lived the life they live. I bet they think that sometimes. Heck, there are times when I wonder about it myself. So up to now I can still relate to Janis Ian’s song although I don’t imagine or pretend that I have a boyfriend anymore.