bury me in this dress

Fashion design this time. For real! I just found out that there’s a fashion design school in the building where I’m working so I’m taking that as a sign that I should get off my butt and finally learn this since I’m always telling my friends that I want to learn fashion design. I haven’t inquired yet but I will tomorrow when I get to the office. I hope I can afford this since I’m planning to give this to myself as a birthday present or I might get a DSLR, a secondhand one since brand new is out of the question. I’m actually excited! I haven’t felt this emotion for awhile.

I’m off Prodin (Fluoxetine). That doesn’t work for me anymore. So now I’m taking Efexor XR (Velafaxine hydrochloride). I’m taking 75 mg. once a day and started on it last Friday morning. I felt a change instantly. I was happier although I’m not really sure if that’s because the medication is working. I hope it is and I hope this is the drug for me. It would take a week or two before I really find out if it’s effective. Next week, I will double the dose as recommended by my shrink. Hope it works!

I really should have learned my lesson by now. Human beings always disappoint me in the end.

note to self: never sniff around livejournal. you’ll just end up being depressed again.

Fuck! I am a miser. Is this karma for all the bad things I’ve ever done or is the universe just against me? I suspect tis biological though.

I spent most of the day trying to sleep off my anxiety attack. I have a 4 PM schedule with my psychiatrist and I didn’t feel ready to see him after 3 months of going AWOL on him. Not that my absence is a loss for him but he was trying to find the right medicine for my depression and he also wanted to have a talk with my mother. I was absent from work today because of the anxiety (and for watching Grey’s Anatomy episodes up to 3am) but surprisingly I don’t feel guilty. The driver picked me up and we got to the clinic just in time for the appointment. I did most of the talking. I blabbered about personal issues I couldn’t really write here. I also cried twice during the session. I rarely cry during sessions! My shrink thinks that my depression has been going on for far too long and he has to be more aggressive in prescribing me medicines. He said we need to find out soon which meds will work for me. And I agree with him. He said that after finding the right meds, the real counselling can begin.

The last time I tried new medicines, I ended up trying to kill myself.

It’s Eiga Sai time once again. I wasn’t able to watch last year’s horror marathon. Boo hoo. Anyway, anybody wants to join me this year?

Eiga Sai (Japanese Film Festival)
Shangri La Cinema 3
Free admission

September 13 (W)

2 PM All Under The Moon (1993) by Yoichi Shi

September 14 (Th)

2 PM Bright Future (2002) by Kiyoshi Kurosawa
5 PM Face (1999) by Junji Sakamoto
8 PM Laughing Frog (2002) by Hideyuki Hirayama

September 15 (F)

2 PM Owl (2003) by Kaneto Shindo
5 PM Nine Souls (2003) by Toshiaki Toyada
8 PM Dora-Heita (2000) by Kon Ichikawa

September 16 (Sa)

2 PM Face (1999) by Junji Sakamoto
5 PM Mark’s Mountain (1995) by Yoichi Sai
8 PM Twilight Samurai (2002) by Yoji Yamada

September 17 (Su)

2 PM Kishiwada Bad Boys (1996) Kazuyuki Izutsu
5 PM Women in Mirror (2002) by Yoshishige Yoshida
8 PM Dora-Heita (2000) by Kon Ichikawa

September 18 (M)

2 PM Twilight Samurai (2002) by Yoji Yamada
5 PM Laughing Frog (2002) by Hideyuki Hirayama
8 PM Bright Future (2002) by Kiyoshi Kurosawa

September 19 (Tu)

2 PM Nine Souls (2003) by Toshiaki Toyada
5 PM Owl (2003) by Kaneto Shindo
8 PM Women in Mirror (2002) by Yoshishige Yoshida

I’m starting to feel better. I guess your replies to my previous posts helped me a lot so thanks much! I feel loved.

My depression is back. I started feeling it crawl back in two weeks ago and by Wednesday I really felt it. I feel so hideous and ugly and this time, I believe I am all those. I also couldn’t function normally. I’ve been very cranky in the office and I’ve been feeling so lethargic so now I haven’t been reporting to work. I just sleep all day or watch House episodes. I’m still taking my anti-depressants and started taking anti-anxiety meds again. They don’t work obviously. I had mom make me an appointment with my psychiatrist but for some fucking reason he’s always booked. I have a tentative schedule for Thursday but that’s probably gone by now because we didn’t confirm. I hate my shrink but I couldn’t find a better one.

I really hate my situation. I’m weepy most of the time. Maybe watching House triggers some of my episodes because he reminds me of myself. I have a lot on my mind right now, mostly about myself, but I couldn’t really post about them here. I just wish my mom is supportive. I should see the shrink regularly but she keeps on complaining about the cost of the medicine and the consultation so I don’t even if I want to see him sometimes. The people who I can talk to about this aren’t here anymore so I don’t really have any support. So yeah, I feel very lonely but what can I do? I was never a people person and have always found it hard to make new friends.

I recovered a memory of my childhood days today. I was in kindergarten and I was sitting alone, away from the other kids playing. I remember that I wanted to join them but I just didn’t know how. I also remember the sadness and loneliness I felt back then.

Nothing much changed in that aspect. I never learned how to really interact well with other people. Maybe there has always been something wrong with my brain. I want to find out if it’s only my brain that’s causing all this but if there’s a test for this, mom will just complain. I know she’ll think it’s unnecessary.

I want to be normal. To have friends. To have fun. Have some emotional support. Have the courage to go after my dreams. I want to be happy. But I know I’ll never be normal.

Did anybody miss me? I haven’t updated for awhile because I didn’t feel like doing so. Been feeling crummy these days and I’ve been cranky. I couldn’t really pinpoint what brought this about but I guess it’s a mixture of self-loathing and boredom. I hate myself lately. Hate my body and I feel so ugly. I feel the need to lose weight but I have no discipline at all. Work is starting to bore me again but I made my choice and I know this is for the best.

I know I’ll get over this soon but I still hate what I’m feeling right now.

I feel so drained and I don’t know why. I slept well so I should feel rested, right? Is it because of emotional stress? Yeah, seems like it.

My uncle and his family will be leaving for the US tomorrow. It’s sad. I’m sad about it. He’s my favorite uncle and he’ll stay there for good. Unless he gets sick of the US and goes back here. But I don’t really know what’s going to happen to them. I will see them again when I go to the US. I will be leaving the country next week. Only mom and me on this trip but that’s another matter. I don’t want my uncle to leave! :cry:

Another thing, my mom won’t let me see a therapist when we’re in the US. She said it’s too expensive. She can afford it but she’s too much of a cheapskate. I, on the other hand, would like to see a therapist there but alas, I don’t have money of my own.