bury me in this dress

Like usual, I slept most of the day. I think it did me good this time because I woke up much calmer. In fact, I felt okay. Although it was last minute, I went with mom and my sister to Shangri-la to watch the Da Vinci Code. Unfortunately for me, my decision was too late because they bought their tickets this afternoon so when we got to the mall before 10 pm, the seats were sold out. I think I should have stayed home because I became agitated having all those strangers around. I felt naked. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have time to dress up and put my make up on. Maybe it’s because of something else. I don’t know but I felt panicky after awhile. I just took a cab home and here I am again. At least now I feel safe.

Hmm. A comic strip to….whatever. Just look at it. Twas lovingly made using Strip Generator.

It was another day of tears but at least it wasn’t as bad as last night. I’m still very much hurt and doubts are zig-zagging inside my brain. Life goes on, right?

I had a good full body massage hours ago. I needed one because I was so stressed out and tense. The massage did me good and I slept soundly afterwards. I got woken up by loud cat meows so I had to check what was going on. Nothing was wrong but I couldn’t go back to sleep. Hence, here I am.

Mother and I are talking to each other again. Sort of. She started talking to me. She told me to arrange global roaming for our mobile phones and I said I will. No sorries from both parties. No hugs. No anything. That’s how it is in our household. Is this normal with other families? Do tell me cos I really want to know.

The new anti-depressants aren’t working. Well maybe they are but I don’t see much difference. *sigh* Another round of new drugs.

I’m going to make this short cos my eyes sting and they’re bloodshot from crying. The therapy was a bit painful. Painful because he hardly said anything. He told me to discontinue Prozac and prescribed me three other anti-depressants. He said psychotherapy wouldn’t do me any good at this point because I need the right medication first. Ugh. I was so scatterbrained during the session. I mentioned a lot including the AADD. Regarding that, he said AADD has similar characteristics with depression so right now he couldn’t really diagnose. So I don’t know. I think the therapy didn’t go so well.

I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday night. That’s right. NIGHT! Fucking 9 pm for crying out loud. That’s the earliest slot I could get. Jeez. I don’t know why he holds therapy sessions at night. Is he too busy now that he’s like the resident psychiatrist/psychologist of Pinoy Big Brother. Big fucking deal. Mom told me not to schedule another appointment so soon right after this one because an hour session with him costs 1,500 pesos. That’s cheap compared to therapy in the US but that’s expensive here in my country. I don’t know why he gets to charge so much. In any case, I want to get my money’s worth and I will tell him to take notes during our session. Can you believe this guy? He never writes down what happens during the sessions so how can he remember what happened, what was said, what he prescribed, etc? Christ! If he goofs up again, I’ll look for another therapist. A hard thing to accomplish since most of the therapists in the country (and there are just a few of them) are nincompoops.

I’m still upset over what happened last night. I feel guilty. I really really don’t want to be a burden to mom but the depression couldn’t be helped. I’ve had depression ever since I was a kid, I guess around the age of 10 or 11. It was only during college that a psychiatrist was able to diagnose me as clinically depressed when I had an awful anxiety attack. I wish I’m normal. I wish I’m functional. Not like this zombie or droid. I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday next week. That’s the earliest he can see me. Crap. And it’s at 9 PM. I don’t think an hour session is sufficient to cover what happened to me over the past few months. Hopefully the session will be fruitful but if it isn’t, I will look for another therapist.

My mother and I had a heart-to-heart talk a couple of minutes ago. She came up to my room to ask me something then talked to me about my life and my depression. She said that my depression is pulling her down but she’s not blaming me. She wants me to widen my world, go out of the house, have a job, find a motivation, anything to improve my life. I couldn’t answer her much. I’ve always found it hard to express my feelings. So I just cried. She’s scared of what will happen to me when she dies. I’m fucking scared too but right now, I can only do so much. Anything and everything takes a lot of effort from me and I’m scared that it will always be like this. So what will happen to me when she’s gone? If my life hasn’t improved by then, I know I will try to kill myself. I just know. I’ve always known.

I think I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD). I mentioned this to my therapist the first time I went to him but he thinks I only have depression. Amen Clinic has some online tests to determine AADD and here are my results:

So it looks like I do have ADD. I’ll ask my therapist to give me some tests the next time I see him but I don’t think he has any. My therapist sucks.