bury me in this dress

I’m feeling so much better now. I told Louie about what Phoebe and I discussed and why it affected me so much. Then she gave really good advice. I think Louie, should be a therapist. She’s really good at giving advices. Imagine, I was still shaken when I met up with her but now I am much calmer. Thank goddess for Louie.

I’m a real mess right now. I’m literally shaking and it’s all just because Phoebe and I talked about my future and career options. Ack! Why the hell am I so petrified right now? Ack! Ack! ACK!!! Shit. I need to get my shit together. What the hell is wrong with me?!

Gah. Anyway, I’m off to pick up Louie…

I’m having a really bad day. I don’t know how and why but I woke up with a really bad feeling. Then I thought about how I badly needed a haircut and that I couldn’t afford one. That made me feel angrier. I was thinking of not posting here today but I just have to release the feeling somehow. I am angry with myself, with the situations, with every little thing. I have this huge urge of cutting myself. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t if I can stop myself.

I’m quite sure my medication isn’t working. What do you think?

Yay! I woke up early today.

I was annoyed last night because I couldn’t access my blog. The database got erased for some strange reason but I can post now so it’s alright.

I’m supposed to go back to my therapist this week but I didn’t make an appointment. I really don’t feel like digging up my past. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill in the stomach. I know I need to get to it eventually but I’m just scared. I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet.

I’m not feeling so well. I mean emotionally. I don’t know why. I just know that I need some cheering up. Ugh. That sounds pathetic. I really am trying to lift my mood. I look for ways to amuse myself but that’s just not enough. I’ve also lost interest in things. Like watching doramas for instance or reading books. There’s still this huge void inside me and I don’t think it can be fixed. I miss cutting myself because I miss the rush and release it gives me. But I don’t want to start self mutilating myself again because that might lead to suicide ideation. I just want this to stop.

Man! I need to fix my sleeping habit again. I don’t find sleeping at 6am fun anymore. It messes everything up. I logged off at 3am yesterday, watched some telly, then slept at 5am or 6. At 10am the heat got to me so I woke up and watched more tv. Slept again at 2pm then woke up at 6pm. Fucking messy.

Eh. Not in the best of moods lately. I guess the happy vibe was just a result of the Gaiman experience instead of the medicines. Bummer.

I think my medication is starting to kick in. My new therapist told me to stick with Fluoxetine eventhough I was complaining that Prozac doesn’t work for me. He said maybe I was underprescribed since I was only taking 20mg. before. The upped it to 40mg. a few weeks ago but I still didn’t see any improvement. Last week he told me to try 60mg. eventhough I thought it was too much. I did anyway and I think…well…I feel better. I’m not too sure if this is due to the effect of the medicine or maybe the thrill of the Neil Gaiman event but I’ve been cheerful lately. Also energetic instead of my usual sluggishness. I buy Prodin instead of Prozac since it’s cheaper but I think they’re the same anyway. My doctor told me to go back next week and that we’ll discuss issues about my sister. He said we’ll also need to talk about my mother, my past, and my weight soon. Ugh. That makes me nervous. I don’t want to dig up my past but mostly it’s because I’m scared that I would break down. I’ll put that thought out of my mind now.

I took some stolen shots of the doctor’s office the last time I was there. He he. The place looks really nice but I get dizzy everytime I’m there. I don’t know why that happens but I suspect it’s because of all the trapped energy from his patients’ outbursts. I really feel the room spinning and become a bit disoriented but I think I’m the only patient who feels that.

Since the first day I went there, I noticed that he has a plaster tape on his arm. It’s small but I find it disturbing. Gad! I’m weird but it’s really bothering me. I think of reasons why he wears that tape like does he inject himself with something or if he has a boil under that? Ugh. It’s just a fucking piece of tape like the nurses put after they draw blood from people so why the hell does that disturb me?!

I think my doctor is dopey. He wears this weird shoes like closed-toe Bircks and wears socks with them. He always seem to be thirsty too. He always has a beverage with him. Once it was Gatorade, then Sprite, then something else. I never saw him with water though. He has nerdy-looking glasses too. I just hope he’s really good at what he does because I was only impressed with his insights during the introductory session. The other times, I felt like I could give better advice. But I suppose he’s good since it’s VERY VERY hard to set up an appointment with him.

You know you’re having a low day when you cry while eating. Well that happened to me today. my aunt and uncle celebrated their wedding anniversary by treating us to a nice Italian restaurant in Edsa Shangri-la hotel. Everything was fine at first but the discussion suddenly turned to me and my cousin’s carwash business. The oldies suddenly went all huffy because “only my cousin is minding the business”. I have to admit that he does most of the work but I help. Sometimes. Anyway, I became upset and cried silently while they blabbed all throughout dinner. I just felt such a big failure. I know I am. But I find everything too hard these days. Coping is too hard. Even living is too hard sometimes. My therapist said I should do things according to MY standards, not theirs. But I still feel like a failure and I also feel so guilty. They are not aware of my present condition…well I don’t think my mom let them on. I just feel so heavy and I am so ugly and I hate everything. I just want to cut myself again!@! Fuck!

I had my medicine changed. The therapist prescribed fluoxetine, that’s the generic name of Prozac. I told him before that I don’t think Prozac works on me but he said I might be underdosaged. So he said he’ll try this again but with a higher dosage. I told him Prozac is expensive but he told me there’s another alternative in the market which is cheaper. He forgot the brand though. Sheesh. Anyway, mom went to the drugstore looking for the other brand but even Mercury (the leading drug store here) is not aware of it. She was complaining that Prozac is too expensive and wants me to just take 1 a day. I might have to make her talk to my therapist since she clearly doesn’t understand the NEED to take larger amounts. This is so annoying.

I need money. The carwash business is a big flop. I get zero peso from it. Mom still gives me money even though I don’t go to work anymore but somehow I couldn’t seem to pay off my credit card debt. The interest rate just keeps on building up and it’s making me crazy. I don’t think I could ever pay it off. Maybe I can if I withdraw all of my savings from the bank which is quite small to begin with. But I don’t know if that would work since my BPI card is tied up with it. I got my first credit card (the BPI one) approved because I have some savings in their bank so they might freeze the card if I withdraw everything. Gad, I don’t need this problem! I wish I have the life of my cousins since their parents pay all their credit card and other bills. I know that’s insane but I find that very ideal right now. They never have money problems! It’s so unfair.

I’ll shut up now. I’m working myself up again.

This blog sucks!

I can’t wait for the next Tim Burton animation Corpse Bride. I love his works and I’m 99% sure that this movie will be really good. I also can’t wait to see his version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The original version is great and I hope Mr. Burton’s version will do justice to the story. It will be doubly good since Johnny Depp will be in both films. Yay!

In other news…

I started my formal sessions with a psychotherapist this afternoon. I think the doctor is good. He seems very insightful and what I like about him is his wholistic approach. There will be art, dancing, medition, etc. which will accompany the therapy sessions. What I don’t like about it so far is the expense. It costs P1,500 a session which is 3 times the amount I pay for my former psychiatrist. So far, I think it’s worth it because the old doctors just prescribed me drugs and didn’t bother with my actual life. But I guess only time will tell if the sessions are doing me any good.

i’ve been eating too much these past few days. i think it’s because of my new medicine. i forgot the name but it’s cheap and is supposed to get rid of depression. my new psychotherapist prescribed it to me since i was complaining about prozac which i think doesn’t work on me anymore. another side effect of the new medicine is sleepiness and dryness of mouth. i’m not feeling any effect from it but it’s not making me more depressed so i guess that’s good. i just don’t like the increase of appetite. i don’t normally eat a lot but now i keep on eating junk food. i don’t like the feeling at all. i’ll tell the doctor to prescribe me a different medicine after my supply runs out.