bury me in this dress

Last Thursday night I treated my staff to a catered party. It was simple. Just food, some booze, and the ever present videoke. I had high expectations because of the things that happened during the surprise party but it wasn’t my day. First, there was the stupid coup d’etat earlier during the day. Next, the awful traffic to and from my appointment with the shrink. Then before the party started, GMA declared a curfew. That didn’t matter though because I didn’t feel like partying much when Bishie brought his girlfriend to the party. That’s right. His girlfriend :( I’m unusually positive about that fact though. I think that’s the best thing for me since he’s our OJT after all and the fact that we have a 9 year age gap. Don’t get me wrong though. I am still attracted to him but at least now I know that hooking him in is next to impossible.

It’s my birthday today. Ugh. The big 3-Oh. I hate that number. I don’t feel that old yet and my friend said I don’t look 30 so that’s good. Still, I don’t feel like celebrating. I want to save money and there’s really nothing to celebrate.

This birthday isn’t too depressing compared to last year’s. I feel loved now especially since I reconnected with old friends. Of course, it’s not like before when we were younger and have the energy to stay out all night and drink too much booze. I don’t even drink liquor anymore.

A friend was inviting me earlier to go to Baguio this weekend. Maybe going there would do me good but I’m too lazy. I don’t want to travel 4 or more hours just to play cards with them. Besides, they’re all boys and I’ll just be reaffirming my role as one of the boys. That has got to stop but that’s always the case with almost all my male friends. Tsk. Not that I’m interested in any of them in THAT way. Yuck! It’s just depressing when I’m never seen as an object of affection or whatever.  So yeah, one of my birthday wishes is to finally have a love life. I’m not raising my hopes up though.

I consider the time I am with my relatives as the time I’m most myself. Although I don’t spill out my guts to them, tell them my deepest and darkest secrets, nor use expletives in front of them, I still feel like I’m my truest self. No pretentions, no masks, just plain me. Tonight, was my sister and me’s birthday blowout. We invited our close relatives to a buffet dinner at Crowne Plaza Hotel. Some weren’t able to make it and even though that disappointed me, the relatives who were there made up for the others’ absences. I had a good time. We talked about different topics ranging from stock exchange, Rene Saguisag, Hong Kong, Jimmy Kimmel thinking that Filipinos don’t speak/write English, the possibility that my absent cousin might be gay, etc. That’s how we are when we get together.

So when I am with them, my defenses are down. I don’t have to be tough when I’m with them. When I went to the restroom, a young girl and her little sister smirked when they saw me. I ignored them. No. I tried to ignore them but their smirk affected me. I know they were smirking because I’m fat and it hurt. A lot. I quickly washed my hands and left the room but as I was returning to my family, I was teary-eyed. I put on my “tough mask” and got some desserts then went to our table.

Maybe it was just my hormones or maybe I was depressed. I just feel so tired of trying to be tough. I’m tired of pretending that incidents like that don’t affect me. Who would want to be laughed at just because of how they look physically? But I need to be tough for my own good. I need to be tough in order to survive and keep on living. I’m just so goddamn tired of this, that’s all.

I was at the NANA Day at Metrowalk last 7/7/07. I had to go there alone since Jenny, a friend who was supposed to go with me, was sick. Boo! I’m getting used to going out alone though. I brought Yasu with me and it was his first night out. I wanted to enter him in the cosplay contest but it was too late. I think it would have weirded out people too. The event was pretty good. There were hardly any awkward moments because of the good hosts. I didn’t enjoy some of the bands though. A lot were off-key and their singing gave me a headache. I left early, a little after 10 to be exact. The crowd was getting to me and I was developing neck pain in the literal sense. Well here are some photos. I only got a few good ones since I was too far from the stage. I’m lucky I even got to sit.

I’ll go to this event with Yasu. I want to cosplay as NANA but I would look ridiculous.  Details about the event can be found here.

Ahhh. I’m back in good ol’ Pinas. I didn’t get to vote because I was out of the country during election day. I feel a bit rotten because of that. Haaay. As if voting would make a change what with rampant election frauds going on. I don’t want to think about that anymore so change topic.

It was raining the entire time we were in Thailand. Very very humid also. It was a drag going from place to place on foot so we got taxis most of the time. Bangkok has changed a lot since the last I’ve been there which was two years ago. There are more malls now. My favorite, Centralworld, was totally renovated so I thought I was at a new place the whole time I was there. The hotel, Pathumwan Princess, where we stayed looks new. I really loved the lobby but the room could be a whole lot better. I didn’t buy a lot of things but they were mostly expensive. I bought a really nice Doc Martens boots for almost $200. Spent just as much for Anna Sui and Laura Mercier make-up but I got 20% for them because I met a nice Thai girl with a discount card. Thanks, Mimi! Oh drat! I forgot to take our photo. Anyway, I was able to buy some nice and cheap undies and tops at MBK. I think that’s all I bought.

On the third day, we moved to Royal Cliff Hotel Resort in Pattaya. Nothing changed there but downtown is nicer now although still full of girly bars. We stayed in Pattaya longer so we got bored at the hotel and went downtown often. We went to a nice mall with a really nice deck facing the beach. We hung out there a lot. We also went to a spa one night but I think The Spa in the Philippines is much nicer (cheaper too!).

I love Thailand not because of the shopping although that’s nice too. What I love about the country is the people. A lot of them are really nice and gentle. Unlike in Pinas were so many ogle at you for being different. In Thailand, they don’t really care. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s how I see them. They’re also very nationalistic and they love their king so much. I wish pinoys are like that. Haaay.

BTW, I have a twitter account. Add me and I’ll add you back.

I had a crying spell during the dawn. Mostly a pity party for myself. Partly about thoughts on my future and how I don’t want to be stuck doing something I know isn’t right for me. I woke up mom and told her that I don’t her my heart really isn’t in the family business. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life so I told her that I want to create a store for plus size fashion. I need to study sewing and fashion design but I don’t have money to do that. She said that she would support me but I need to be focused and determined to make the business succeed. She would pay for the tuition and other things I need but she’s worried that this is going to be just a passing interest. I have a track record of doing that. I give up easily when I get frustrated with something I like. I’m worried too. I don’t want this to be just a passing fancy. I also have doubts if I can pull this off. I don’t know if I have the talent for this. So yes, I am very worried. At the same time, I’m thrilled and relieved. Also a bit guilty because I let her down, not succeeding the family business. That tarot reading really shook me. Right now, I’m just listening to my heart and it’s telling me that my decision is right. I hope the Gods are with me on this.

Tomorrow I will inquire and maybe enroll at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines. I think I’m ready. I hope I’m ready.

I had a mystical night tonight. I was with Jenny, Eric, and Erwin at Metrowalk awhile ago and the couple (Jen and Eric) treated us to a nice dinner at Capisce. After dining, we headed over to the nearby Starbucks. On the way there, I noticed a tarot reading booth. I inquired how much a reading is since I haven’t done my reading for this year. It’s only 300 pesos so I said I wanted one.

Before the reading, I told Jen to remember everything the tarot reader said cos I easily forget. I also instructed Erwin to take photos during the reading so I could document it for this blog.

Jani was the tarot reader. I will just give the gist of the reading. He said that I over analyze everything. I have too much baggage and that’s causing me to not achieve my full potential. I’ve built a wall, a really thick wall, around myself to protect me from getting hurt but it’s causing me to distance myself from others. He’s an empath and he almost cried while he told me that. He told me to be at peace with myself, to forgive myself and others who have done me wrong in the past. I should unleash my passion so the water (creativity and happiness) would flow. He added that I should be patient and to decide what I really want to do in life because when I do that, I will not fail even if I encounter difficulties because I’m doing something I love.

As for my being materialistic, he said that I should give away something and not expect any karmic gains in return. Through that, I will learn about balance.

For my love life, Jani saw a man will be a part of my life this year. He will be from another land, smaller than me, younger than me. But I need to break my thick wall first because even if I make an effort to become more approachable, my subconscious rebels and sends out the message to the universe, telling the opposite sex to back off. Ugh.

As for the enemies I made in the past, he said that I should just let them go. I shouldn’t worry about them. He said that the situation is very emotional at the moment but someday, it will be resolved.

With regards to my career, he said I should find what I really want to do and that should be something I will love even if there are difficulties. I would be successful and he said I would have a partner, a male partner. He could possibly be the guy from my “love life” question or somebody else.

I didn’t ask this one but he asked me why I didn’t want to have my own family. I said that I didn’t want children. He proclaimed though that I will find happiness in children. Plural, not singular. I will have kids daw. Oh my!

He said that only I have the power make all this possible and I’m the fairy godmother who can grant my own wishes. So for it to materialize, it is in my hands. I should start from the core and be at peace with myself, follow my bliss and stand by it, but I shouldn’t worry because according to the cards, if I really want it truly, madly, passionately I will never fail.

He gave me a red envelope (ampaw) before I left. He told me to keep it in my wallet and not to open it. I should only open it when it’s an emergency. Hmmm. I wonder what’s inside it. I think the gesture is sweet though. All these for only 300 pesos! What a steal!

After writing that post about not making money from blogging, I googled for ways to actually make money from blogging. That’s how I found out about Orble. It’s a blogging community with LOTS of ads. An Orble member can have several blogs but I only needed one. Everytime a member makes a post to his blog, other members can vote to show that they liked the post. I guess that makes the blog popular or something. I don’t really know. The Orble management keeps track of the traffic all blogs receive. If a particular blog has good potential and the content is good, they offer the member his own domain name for the blog. This ordinarily takes 2 to 3 weeks after the first post.
I started with Coffin Talk where I just posted about things which I find interesting (guro, Japanese wackiness, etc.). My first post was December 4 and I tried to post everyday. I just kept on posting and I even reposted my article on how not to make money from blogging and that drew a lot of attention from the community. I received a lot of votes and some comments. I guess that’s the turning point of my orble blog. Since then, I received regular readers. They don’t comment but it doesn’t matter. They still voted. And the blog’s traffic attracted the attention of the Orble team. One week after I started posting, I was notified by the management that they want to buy a domain for my blog. Yay me! I’m a rising star. LOL. Since coffintalk.com is already taken, she suggested that I use coffinconversations.com instead. I agreed and there’s nothing to lose anyway. If my readers click on the ads in my blog, I get half of the profit and the other half goes to Orble. I guess that’s fine. So if you want to check out my other blog, please try to click on an ad. Hehehe. Money is nice. I’m still transferring the coffin talk posts to the new blog. Hopefully I will finish soon so I can make fresh entries.