Me and my family will be travelling to Thailand next week. We’ll stay in Pattaya for 4 days and Bangkok for 3. I’m excited eventhough we won’t be going to Koh Samui. I’ve never been to Thailand but from what I’ve read and heard, it’s really a beautiful place. I have doubts about Pattaya though. From the pictures on the net, the beach doesn’t look clean. And it’s not blue unlike the one in Koh Samui. I think the Philippine counterpart of Pattaya is the beaches in Batangas. Well, I’ll find out next week.

I’ve been in a terrible mood since last week. I think it was triggered when my mom said no to El Nido then Koh Samui. I felt so let down. Sure, that sounds really shallow but I’m emotionaly unstable so I can’t help it. I felt better after the weekend in Highlands but my temper still flares every so often. It’s not pretty but it’s a struggle to control.

Sometimes I wish I don’t have depression. This condition really sucks and it’s totally draining emotionally and physically. I wonder how it would feel like if I never had this. I bet my life would be totally different and I would be more sociable and pleasant. But I have no basis for comparison since I’ve had this since forever. Actually I am not sure if this is JUST depression. I’ve never been tested by a psychologist. I was just diagnosed as a depressive after a nervous breakdown and that was done by a psychiatrist. I’ve been through several shrinks already but all they do is prescribe medications so I think they’re not getting the entire picture. I feel like I have borderline personality disorder and I think I’m a classic case for it. I really need to find myself a psychologist who could diagnose me properly. I also need psychotherapy but I don’t trust the therapists in the Philippines. I went to one before and she said I was shallow. WTF? I thought therapists are supposed to be supportive. That bitch celebrity therapist made me feel more awful about myself. After that session, I never went back to her and I think it’s a smart move.

I’m freaking out! I went to the salon last night to have a haircut but decided to have it dyed on impulse. I’ve been wanting to have my hair colored for a long time now so I got into it last night since I was already there. I wanted some purple streaks done but my hair needs bleaching first since it’s brunette and the color wouldn’t be seen without bleach. The purple color was perfect but now my hair breaks so easily! I couldn’t even brush!!! The dyed strands are so weak that I don’t even want to touch my hair. The situation makes me want to cry and I’ve lost interest in everything. I don’t even want to read a book because I am just so worried. I’ll go back to the same salon tomorrow and demand that they do something about my hair but I am still worried that they wouldn’t be able to fix this. Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!

this has been a very very very tiring day. fuck! i was once again reminded why i left that fucking work. the work itself is good but the people in the company aren’t the best people to be around with if i want to have a healthy self esteem, maintain a higher than average IQ, and the will to continue living. god! i will be so glad when this is over but as i’ve said, i really need the extra money. but i still want to strangle some of the people there. i don’t want to discuss this anymore. at least in this entry.

i want to go to the Labyrinth of Jareth Fantasy Masquerade but it is impossible because 1) i wouldn’t have anything appropriate to wear, 2) the ticket is expensive, 3) i would feel out of place since i don’t know anyone who’s going, 4) i am not in LA, and 5) i am not even in the US. it looks really interesting though. i love the film Labyrinth and I absolutely love Jareth that I even want to develop my psychic ability just to see if there is really a goblin king. i bet that masquerade would feel so magical. i am envious of everyone who’s going!