Sometimes I envy my cousin. His writing ability in particular. Some of my friends and my relatives think he’s strange but I don’t agree with them. I think he’s gifted and he’s just not afraid to follow the norms.

Mom thinks he’s gay but I told her he isn’t. In case he is, what’s the big deal anyway? So he refuses to drive even though he has a car. He just prefers to commute or walk to wherever. That’s freedom from automotives and petrol. It’s healthy even.

My cousin is a deep thinker. He spends hours alone at cafes just writing in his journal, not an electronic one but with pen and paper. Now that he posts some of his writings in multiply, I’m getting to know him more and, at the same time, realizing how shallow I am. Unlike Paul, I avoid digging deep into myself. There are so many monsters in me. I just gloss over them, peek once in awhile, then move on to the next distraction. That’s how I am. That’s how I cope. Maybe that’s wrong and I should look into all my feelings and memories but I am just not strong enough to do that. Probably in psychotherapy I can confront my numerous life issues but alone, I don’t even want to try.

So that’s why this journal is vapid now. When I started this blog, I wrote a lot about my thoughts and depressive episodes. It’s strange that I don’t mind sharing my skeletons with total strangers when in real life I’m secretive. Things have changed for me since early last year…maybe even earlier. Mostly the changes were for the better but I don’t even write about those changes. Since this blog’s traffic has increased and I’ve met other bloggers through E.B.’s or whatever, writing about personal matters will make me feel exposed. My awful livejournal experience several years ago has taught me a valuable lesson about exposing my thoughts and opinions for the whole world to see. I won’t let that happen again, especially with this domain blog.

I digressed. Several minutes ago, I was wishing that my cousin has a domain blog as well so his writings would have more audience. I changed my mind now, especially since my cousin’s writings are very personal. I’ll just let him be. As for me, I’ll keep on posting trivial things and see how it goes.

I consider the time I am with my relatives as the time I’m most myself. Although I don’t spill out my guts to them, tell them my deepest and darkest secrets, nor use expletives in front of them, I still feel like I’m my truest self. No pretentions, no masks, just plain me. Tonight, was my sister and me’s birthday blowout. We invited our close relatives to a buffet dinner at Crowne Plaza Hotel. Some weren’t able to make it and even though that disappointed me, the relatives who were there made up for the others’ absences. I had a good time. We talked about different topics ranging from stock exchange, Rene Saguisag, Hong Kong, Jimmy Kimmel thinking that Filipinos don’t speak/write English, the possibility that my absent cousin might be gay, etc. That’s how we are when we get together.

So when I am with them, my defenses are down. I don’t have to be tough when I’m with them. When I went to the restroom, a young girl and her little sister smirked when they saw me. I ignored them. No. I tried to ignore them but their smirk affected me. I know they were smirking because I’m fat and it hurt. A lot. I quickly washed my hands and left the room but as I was returning to my family, I was teary-eyed. I put on my “tough mask” and got some desserts then went to our table.

Maybe it was just my hormones or maybe I was depressed. I just feel so tired of trying to be tough. I’m tired of pretending that incidents like that don’t affect me. Who would want to be laughed at just because of how they look physically? But I need to be tough for my own good. I need to be tough in order to survive and keep on living. I’m just so goddamn tired of this, that’s all.

I had a short vacation last November 2 to 3 with my family and some relatives.

On the morning of Nov. 2, we visited the graves of dead relations in Binan, Laguna. After that, we had lunch at Rose and Grace in Sta. Rosa. My relatives love eating there cos the food is cheap. I’m tired of Rose and Grace. The food is so-so. After lunch, we went straight to Tagaytay Highlands.

I haven’t been there for more than a year. I thought that there would be something new and interesting there but there isn’t.  Oh, well there’s free wifi there but I left my laptop in the van so I wasn’t able to surf. I just used my sister’s Sony Ericsson P1i (it has WLAN), so I was able to twit some messages.

Around 2PM, we checked into our cottage rooms in Camp Highlands. There’s A/C and cable tv so that’s good. I slept until 5 PM then prepped for dinner.

Dinner was at the Tagaytay Steakhouse. I’ve tried it before but I read a lot of rave reviews about the Steakhouse so I wanted to try again. Maybe I just missed something. I ordered the rib eye but I didn’t like it much. I guess I’m not really into steaks. After dinner, we went to the entrance to wait for the driver. I noticed a familiar face. I was thinking that the guy looks like Ken Zhu of F4. So when the driver arrived, I asked my relatives if the guy was Ken Zhu and mom said it was him. I declared that I want to have a picture him but the van was already moving. I told the driver to go back but when we got to the entrance, Ken was getting in ride. Boo! I wanted a photo with him

We went to Starbucks (blech) but the place was packed. We also went to Figaro but it was full as well. It was no use so we just headed back to Highlands.

Back there, we dropped off my aunt at Belleview then the rest of us headed to Cottage Grove. I was tired and grumpy so I just went to our room and showered. I also watched some tv while snacking. When my sister was complaining about the sound cos she couldn’t sleep, I pulled out my laptop and watched Dexter. I slept around 4am.

I woke up early the next day. I think 7:30 am. I ate a quick breakfast then showered and dressed up. There was nothing much to do so I packed up my belongings. Around 10am, my sister woke up so I finally got to watch tv. We all checked out around 12pm.

I thought we would be having lunch in Highlands. I was looking forward to Highlands Bistro. But mom said that some of my relatives were in a hurry to go back to Manila. That made me grumpier. I didn’t partake when they had drive through  Jollibee food.

I think we got home at 2pm. I played with my cats and slept for hours after that.

See, it was really a short vacation and I didn’t enjoy it much especially since I’ve been since since November 1.

I had a very trying day. I was very busy working on a presentation. On top of that, something has been bothering me since last night. I can’t discuss the specifics since it involves my family but because of it, my depression was triggered again. It’s kind of resolved now but it really zapped my energy. My eyes hurt and are swollen from crying too. I don’t want to sleep yet though. I want to read or watch something to amuse myself but my eyes are defying me.

Life is good to me. It’s just my damn depression that’s ruining it. I invited some people from the depression mailing list to go with me to Fontana on the 31st. That should be good except that only a few will be coming. That might be awkward.

It’s the weekend again. I feel lonely when I have no plans for the weekend. Or the only plans I have involve going out with my family or relatives. I want to hang out with friends but most are out of the country. *sigh* I feel like a loser.

Anyway, I got locked out of my multiply store so I created another one. It’s at mseerie.multiply.com in case you want to check it out.

I had a crying spell during the dawn. Mostly a pity party for myself. Partly about thoughts on my future and how I don’t want to be stuck doing something I know isn’t right for me. I woke up mom and told her that I don’t her my heart really isn’t in the family business. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life so I told her that I want to create a store for plus size fashion. I need to study sewing and fashion design but I don’t have money to do that. She said that she would support me but I need to be focused and determined to make the business succeed. She would pay for the tuition and other things I need but she’s worried that this is going to be just a passing interest. I have a track record of doing that. I give up easily when I get frustrated with something I like. I’m worried too. I don’t want this to be just a passing fancy. I also have doubts if I can pull this off. I don’t know if I have the talent for this. So yes, I am very worried. At the same time, I’m thrilled and relieved. Also a bit guilty because I let her down, not succeeding the family business. That tarot reading really shook me. Right now, I’m just listening to my heart and it’s telling me that my decision is right. I hope the Gods are with me on this.

Tomorrow I will inquire and maybe enroll at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines. I think I’m ready. I hope I’m ready.

Okay, Valentine’s Day but since a lot of people will get laid, I might as well call it Vagina. V Day means nothing to me. How could it when almost all my life I’ve been single. Even when I was in a relationship I didn’t get shit except a crappy eyesore of a card. A lot of people, single or taken, are making a big deal out of it so I decided to write about the damn day.

So what will I be doing for V Day? Absolutely nothing special. I’ll just go to work, do some errands, go home, watch some telly, and go online. Just the usual day. Maybe I can squeeze in a few pages of the book I’m reading. That would make the day a bit special.

Although the day doesn’t really mean anything to me, I am still giving mom and my sister presents. I bought a bunch of bag organizers from a multiply seller so I gave them one of each. I have an extra gift for mother because I got a coupon for free roses when I bought my digital camera. The three red roses were delivered today and mom was surprised. Hehe. I know it’s just a freebie but it’s still nice. I received a few presents as well. I got money from mom. Jesus Effing Christ!!! I just checked the envelope she gave me and there’s 4,000 bucks inside. I was only expecting to receive 500 or a thousand from her. I guess our company is doing well then. Wow. 4,000 pesos. *shakes head* I got a box of chocolates from Auntie Noemie and even more chocos from Tita Amor. Sweet. They shouldn’t have given me anything.

Should I give gifts to people I love on V Day? Even platonic love or familial love? My notion of V Day is it’s just a day for couples. Ugh. Is this weird? Or am I correct?

I should be asleep now but what the heck. Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers!

I’ve been feeling depressed since last night. There were some triggers but I won’t discuss them here. I’ll just say that when I was about to sleep, I was thinking about my cat Aria. She was mad at me but it was only last night that she visited me again and rubbed against me. I miss her and I know I betrayed here when we got Vyolette. So I was thinking about that last night and how much I love Aria. Then I started crying. I got to thinking what if Aria dies? I would be so depressed. I love her very much. Also Vyolette. I don’t want them to die. Then I remembered that I read in a Pinoy forum about cremation and burial services for pets. I will definitely cremate them when they die so they will always be close to me.

Nuts.

I think I got to sleep very late because I was agitated. Perhaps it was already 3 am or 4.

I didn’t want to go to work when the maid woke me up this morning but I had some things to do so I went to work. I was very moody, depressed, irritable. I wasn’t nice to some of my clients. I felt really crummy so I decided to impulse buy.

A Canon Ixus 60. Bought it for P20,950. Installment basis for 12 months at 0% interest. Expensive but I like it and I can really use it.
After work, there was a family gathering. I had to go to mass but I didn’t pray.  I just sat there and thought about different things. Then we had dinner at the Fort. I began to relax and enjoyed my time with the relatives. Thank Goddess for them.