Had a late start to the day but had a nice time hanging out with Jenny at the new Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf along Emerald Avenue. Nice place since it’s situated in a park. For those who are new to this blog, my friends and I are Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (CBTL) addicts. My favorite is The Ultimate Mocha (sans whipped cream) and, of course, I ordered it tonight. We just spent hours talking about stuff although I’m not sure if I was a kill-joy since I was feeling depressed earlier. I think our conversation was fine though. Jenny gave me a CBTL discount card but it can only be used in their Tomas Morato branch. Who cares? At least the card does give discounts.

Tomorrow (Sunday), there will be a gathering with relatives for a despedida dinner for my Tito Manok and his family. Tito Freddy is called Tito Manok because pinaglihi sya sa manok. He’s the craziest among my mom’s siblings and he’s always fun to be with. I have a feeling that the despedida will be a sad one because he’ll be leaving the country for good. Sad sad sad. We will miss him so much.

I’m still upset over what happened last night. I feel guilty. I really really don’t want to be a burden to mom but the depression couldn’t be helped. I’ve had depression ever since I was a kid, I guess around the age of 10 or 11. It was only during college that a psychiatrist was able to diagnose me as clinically depressed when I had an awful anxiety attack. I wish I’m normal. I wish I’m functional. Not like this zombie or droid. I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday next week. That’s the earliest he can see me. Crap. And it’s at 9 PM. I don’t think an hour session is sufficient to cover what happened to me over the past few months. Hopefully the session will be fruitful but if it isn’t, I will look for another therapist.

My mother and I had a heart-to-heart talk a couple of minutes ago. She came up to my room to ask me something then talked to me about my life and my depression. She said that my depression is pulling her down but she’s not blaming me. She wants me to widen my world, go out of the house, have a job, find a motivation, anything to improve my life. I couldn’t answer her much. I’ve always found it hard to express my feelings. So I just cried. She’s scared of what will happen to me when she dies. I’m fucking scared too but right now, I can only do so much. Anything and everything takes a lot of effort from me and I’m scared that it will always be like this. So what will happen to me when she’s gone? If my life hasn’t improved by then, I know I will try to kill myself. I just know. I’ve always known.

Went out with the family to Powerplant Mall earlier. My sister wanted to go and since I had no other plans (ha! When was the last time I had plans to go out?) I went with her and mom. What a waste of time. I didn’t want to spend a single cent since I’m saving up for some U.S. shopping. I hated window shopping at Zara’s because their stuff I find too expensive. Also, only a few of their clothes will fit me although I gazed at them wistfully because they are really nice. So that’s added frustration and I guess boredom as well. Around 7 pm I started to become cross because I was hungry and my sister still wanted to shop. I’m like that when I feel my stomach is growling. I was able to convince mom to try some Brazilian cuisine at Brazil Brazil. Hey, I was really hungry and wanted an all-you-can-eat buffet. The food was so-so, kinda weird actually but the place was packed. I can only blame “In Her Shoes” for making me want to taste Brazilian (I was watching the DVD this afternoon). I didn’t eat that much actually but I was full. We decided to head home after supper since my sister wanted to catch Pinoy Big Brother but mom decided to look inside another boutique and I found myself infront of Fruits in Ice Cream and ended up buying half a gallon of their Caramelo con Pastillas which is yum yum. So there, I ended up spending 300 pesos for that damn ice cream. I shouldn’t have gone out with my family.
Hey! I went out of the house thrice this week. Am I beginning to become a normal human being? Ha! I doubt it.

Well I’m finally back. Not that anybody missed my entries but uh…well I’m back. Heh! My aunt treated my family to an executive suite at Edsa Shangri-la for 2 nights. My mom and sister got bored but I loved the stay there. It was really very relaxing and I like the big soft bed. I got to soak in the tub which I always do when we have a hotel room since we don’t have a bath tub at home. The meals were expensive and they weren’t great. Even the buffet at Heat (the hotel restaurant). I didn’t expect that so many families check in at hotels during Holy Week. When we arrived there around 2pm last Friday, it was traffic and mom had to line up for 30 minutes just to check in. Well, at least we got the room for free so that doesn’t really matter. I thought that the hotel offers free internet there but I was mistaken. Not that it would matter because I don’t have a laptop to begin with.

As most of you know, I’m Pagan so I don’t really observe the no-meat tradition. I ate a lot of meat last Friday. I also didn’t go to the Easter mass last Sunday. I just slept in the hotel room. Nice.

Well, I need to check my friends’ blogs now.

I can’t believe it! I stumbled upon a fellow UP CAST (UP Cinema Arts Society) member. Seeing the pictures in his posts brought back memories of my days in UP and how it was like in the organization. I remember the fun we had back then. *sigh* I don’t want to be nostalgic but I can’t help it. I thought UP CAST isn’t active anymore but I just found out that it’s very much alive. I smell a UP CAST reunion coming up. Anyway, I saw his site listed at Pinoy Top Blogs because I was checking the *ehem* competitions. I whored myself and joined it so if you like this blog, vote for me by clicking the button on the sidebar.

I had a couple hours of sleep again. I woke up shivering and feeling very cold. I turned the fan on at full blast and directed it to me. I often do this but it’s the first time I felt that chilled. Very odd. I couldn’t sleep after that eventhough I really wanted to. My mind just suddenly went into hyperdrive and I didn’t want to take Melatonin again.

I’ve been in this zombie state the whole day but I still drove the car to Greenhills for a family dinner. Mom hates driving during weekends so she asked me to drive. I just couldn’t say no. We didn’t meet any accidents but I forgot to take the parking ticket from the attendant. I just drove on and looked for a space. Then while we were walking towards the restos, I couldn’t recall if I took a ticket or not. Mom couldn’t remember either but I just assumed that I left the ticket in the car. It turns out that I really forgot to take the ticket. Good thing the attendant took note and kept the ticket for us. Otherwise, we would have to pay 150 pesos. Eek.

The dinner was good. Some of my relatives were there too. We ate at Bizu which is a really nice patisserie/cafe although quite expensive. After dinner we had some coffee at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf which is my favorite coffee place because of their The Ultimate Mocha. A lot of people were just hanging around which is uncommon for a Sunday night. It turns out that there’s no work tomorrow because the President will give her State of the Nation Address. We were there for a couple of hours, just talking and joking around. It was very pleasant and the people around us were in good moods because of the holiday. If I were a corporate slave, I would really be glad too but since I am a bum, everyday is like a holiday. Kinda.

There’s nothing new about this but again, i fucked up my sleeping habit. it’s by choice this time because the other night when I was feeling awful, I didn’t want to sleep early. So there. I’m just saying this to avoid confusion because if I say “today I went out with so and so” and people see the time I posted is 3am, that would seem quite odd.

Today I went out of the house. The first time for this week.

Just writing those two sentences make me want to crawl under a rock. But I kind of made up for the hermetic life since I went out twice. The first was with my cousin. He went over for some graphic commission and he treated me to a scrumptious dinner as gratitude. I also bought Gonuts Donuts which I was craving. My cousin is a bad influence since he’s always going on and on about them. FYI, Gonuts Donuts is Philippines’ equivalent to Krispy Kreme. Going back to the story, we shopped around a bit with my cousin doing most of the shopping. He ended up buying a jeans and shoes while I ended up buying a Harry Potter book. The 4th installment. A lot of blogs are raving about the latest release and here I am, just starting on The Goblets of Fire. So yes, I bought that book which is a bit hard for me because I have really little money these days. But I really needed to stimulate my mind because earlier, I couldn’t even remember the spelling of “dinosaur”. How pathetic is that?

My second step out of the house was with Louie. She went here for some dorama-related problems then we chatted for awhile. During our conversation, she mentioned that Fruits in Ice Cream’s ‘Pastillas de Leche’ is really good and she wants me to try it. I guess she became obsessed with me trying it that she invited me to go to her place to taste it. So off we went to her place and I ended up eating quite a lot of ice cream. Of course this means that flavor is really good. We chatted some more there but it was getting late. She dropped me off to my house around 2am I think. Maybe even later.

So that’s how my day went. It is now almost 7am and my day is just ending. I’ve read a few pages of the book and I believe that my brain is functioning again. I think it’s quite evident in this entry.

I’m at my cousin’s house right now. I was doing some graphic work for him when my ISP (Destiny Internet) bogged down. My cousin needs it early tomorrow so I had no choice but to go here to give him the stuff. I don’t really mind since I can use his internet and it’s faster than my current one. He subscribed to My PLDT DSL and doesn’t seem to have problems with it.

Bah. Today is a low day compared to the excitement yesterday. I miss the fun. I miss the new friends. I miss hanging out with JB and Sherwin. I miss Neil Gaiman. Ewwww so sappy but it’s true. I read in Neil’s blog that he wants to return someday to the Philippines and he felt so loved here. Yay! I’ll have my other stuff signed.

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I don’t know why since I was sleepy and very exhausted. I had to take sleeping pills because I was feeling miserable. I sometimes cry when I couldn’t sleep because it’s just so frustrating. I hate this insomnia! Anyway, I guess my normal sleeping pattern is gone again. I don’t feel the least bit sleepy right now. Right now I don’t really care.