bury me in this dress

I just finished reading The Da Vinci Code and I can honestly say that it blew my mind away. It’s a book which is hard to put down and it really makes the readers think, question the establishment, and raise awareness of the struggles in Christianity. I was raised as a Catholic so at an early age, I was made to believe that the Bible is the truth, that Jesus wasn’t entirely human, that the Church couldn’t harm a fly. But I learned to ask questions about the religion a long time ago and there were just a lot of aspects in it that doesn’t make sense. Ever since then, I considered myself pagan and chose to worship the Goddess. The Da Vinci Code made me aware that there are secret societies who worship the Goddess form and are there to pass on and protect the knowledge from generation to generation. I became aware that there are controversies concerning the true holiness of Jesus Christ (him never being married, etc.). I also became more aware of how ugly the Church can really get. But what I find strange is that the book made me admire Jesus. Although I don’t worship him or anything, the book threw him in a different, more human life. The book even said Jesus was a real feminist and that’s really something.

The version I read wasn’t the illustrated one so I’m searching the net for photos of Leonardo Da Vinci’s works. I find him intriguing now after learning about his flambouyant and genius past. If you want more resources on the book, there are a lot on the net.

i’ve gotten used to my temporary job and i admit that i’m going to miss it when it’s over. mostly i will miss all the free time which i spend watching tv or reading my books. too bad the salary is really low otherwise i’ll consider working there longer.

it’s holy week here so there’s no work and commercial establishments are closed. it’s very boring but relaxing at the same time. i was invited to go out of town but i didn’t feel like travelling so i opted to spend the week at home. didn’t do anything productive at all except install a new LAN card for this computer because the built-in one was being shitty. i got the net working again so i’m pretty pleased with that.

i really should work on the design of this site since i have a lot of free time this week. but i’m not sure how i will design the site. i already made some graphics but i’m not so sure if it would work. and working on the site with this computer isn’t that ideal. i wish i have a mac.

second day at work. it was bearable. the other editor was very late but i guess it was fine since the producers didn’t have anything for us to do. i just spent most of the time there reading the second hand book i bought, “Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing”. the book is okay, good enough for killing time at the network. i snuck out at 4:30 though. i have an appointment with my personal trainer. he he he.

work out was okay. i was late cos of the terrible traffic so i only had 1 hour of training. i hung out there for 30 minutes after the training cos i wanted to rest and sneak glances at that cute guy who works there. it sounds pathetic and it IS pathetic but what else can i do? i don’t want to talk to the guy even if i think he likes me too. i’m done with being aggressive. i don’t want to be the pursuer anymore. i did a lot of that in the past and it got me nowhere! so i’ll just hope that he strikes up a conversation with me while i am still alive.

i am trying to come up with a design for my wordpress. they’re called ‘themes’ now, not ’skins’. i tried to do one for the strayhorn version but it didn’t work. i don’t mind cos the design sucks anyway. i don’t have much time for this though. maybe after i finish working for the network.

i hate working for the networks. i told myself i would never work for either ABS-CBN or GMA but, starting tomorrow, i’m back. i need the extra money and it’s only temporary. like, for just a month. but i am starting to feel the old dread again. i can feel it in my stomach and my chest. i haven’t felt that for a long time and i didn’t expect to feel it again at least this soon. i may have committed myself to jumping off a cliff by taking the job. mother is happy about it though. she thinks this is a good thing for me. she believes that editing is my most fulfilling job. i wish she were right but the most fulfilling job i’ve ever had was when i worked as a PA for a no-budget straight-to-video film called ‘Intermedio’. i loved it because it was an eye-opener. a glimpse into how Hollywood works. Very unlike the shitty Philippine cinema we have here. I didn’t even get paid for that gig because i was supposed to be an intern or something. I want to work in Hollywood again but I’m back in the Philippines. And I don’t have enough experience to compete with the other Hollywood hopefuls. US indie films would be nice too actually but I don’t think indie productions hire non US citizens.

I’ve digressed and I’m a bit keyed up on sleeping pills. Please excuse me.

god! i am tired like fuck! it was my first time in the gym with my own physical trainer and…let’s just say that i am really out of shape. so out of shape. the training wasn’t that hard, it’s just that it’s been awhile since i exercised a lot. hopefully it would do me some good cos i really need to lose weight. good lord! i got weighed and i’m like 281 lbs!!! the last time i weighed myself i was 243 lbs. no wonder my knees hurt all the time. i don’t really know where all that weight came from. my clothes still fit. and the funny (well not really funny. weird maybe) thing is, after the training, i lost 3 lbs. so weight is a lot of bullshit but the numbers are still alarming. that workout gave me an appetite though. sheesh. i hope my body wouldn’t hurt as much on the next workout (which is this wednesday). i can barely go up the stairs!

one my perks of going to the gym is seeing my crush (i hate that word) who works there. i have no idea what his name is. i don’t even know what his position is there but he’s really cute. quite buff. nice skin. nice hair. he also looks like a nice guy. obviously i never talked to him…there’s really no reason to. but anyway, yeah, that guy there motivates me to keep on coming back. i think he thinks i’m cute but maybe it’s my overactive imagination or something. oh well. he’s kinda geeky but not Star Treck geeky. Just geeky like a yapping puppy that gets annoying sometimes.

What the hell am I saying?! I’m too tired. I am not thinking straight.

I like reading. I prefer horror, young adult, erotica, and some works of fiction which covers the topic of feminism, fashion, counter culture, etc. Although I do read outside of these genres, mother seems to think that it would be easy for me to read books on business and management and other corporate bullshit. She wants me to learn how to help improve her company but frankly, reading those kinds of literature bores me to death. I guess you can say I refuse to open a book on personnel management or similar.

I didn’t go to work all week. I am lucky because I can get away with it but it doesn’t mean I am happy. I don’t like the way I am. I know I am a big disappointment. But I refused to go to work because mother stopped giving me my sleeping pills. I am very addicted to them but they make me happy. It is wrong, I know. I should know better since I am smart. But what can I say? Addiction is addiction is addiction. I even stopped taking my anti-depressant since I don’t think they are working anyway.

I know most of the time, I am directionless. I would rather lose myself in films, literature, the net, and other media for escapism. Reality and me do not mesh. I used to have a great social life, hanging out with the scenesters. Being a poseur and shit. But in the end, I felt like I was bitten by a viper for something I am still confused about. So I bid sayonara to the so-called cool lifestyle and became a recluse. It wasn’t enjoyable at all. I was very very depressed and alone. I have somehow regained a semblance of a social life since I came back from the US but it feels lacking. I miss the excitement. Everything is so tame right now. My life’s drama right now is all in my head and there’s no point in that. I could go back to my old lifestyle but my pride prevents me from doing so. I can add to that my sanity.