I got back from the hospital this afternoon (technically yesterday afternoon since it’s the 16th now). The d and c was successful but I was awake throughout the procedure. The anesthesiologist decided to use spinal anesthesia instead of general anesthesia because he was worried that he’ll have difficulties waking me up. I wanted to be asleep during the d and c and since I wasn’t, I was terrified during most of the procedure. It lasted for like 30 minutes but I felt my OB poking around. Tsk. She sent a piece of me to the pathology lab. I’ll learn the findings on Thursday when I call her.

The anesthesia felt so weird. Well, not weird but more of annoying. It took 2 hours to wear off and I really couldn’t move my legs in the Recovery Room. There was a lady beside me in the RR. I don’t know what procedure they did to her but she began having chills after an hour and was crying the whole time. I felt sorry for her even though I was the one who had terrible chills right after my operation. She was an outpatient and I think she was forced to be confined because of the sudden fever. Poor girl.

I’m recuperating well although I think I caught an infection on my right ovary. It sometimes hurts and the lymph node on my right side of my neck is swollen. I have to rest for a week and not go up and down the stairs. I can’t carry heavy objects too. So I don’t know if I can go out to gimmicks even this weekend. I don’t really mind because I’m beginning to feel normal again.

I went back to my OB Gyne this afternoon. Mom went with me this time. I told the doctor that I’m still bleeding but she gave me the choice of having a D and C (dilation and curettage) or not. I told her I want it done so my period would stop and I wouldn’t have stomach cramps anymore. She informed us that the ultrasound showed a thing uneven lining in my uterus. She doesn’t know what it is but she’ll know when she performs the D and C on me. It might be totally nothing but she wants to totally rule out cancer. I thought I will be confined then and there but she asked me when I wanted to have the operation. I honestly wanted to get this over with today but she suggested Monday instead and I just said yes. I would have to be admitted very early though. And not ingest anything after 2 am that day. According to her the procedure won’t take long and I would be asleep the whole time. At least I don’t have to worry about pain.

I’d be lying if I say that I’m not worried. I am. I’m still scared that it will be painful even if she reassured me that it won’t be. I’m also a bit worried about the ultrasound findings but I was praying for that. I’m insane. I don’t want to talk about it.

This menstrual cycle is driving me insane. I’ve been emotional because of the fucked up hormones. I was even in a terrible crying spell yesterday. But that’s how my life is. PCOS isn’t curable. I already have it bad with clinical depression but the PCOS makes things worse. I actually don’t mind the possible infertility. I can try to ignore the abdominal cramps, heavy and prolonged bleeding, the constipation, insomnia, and other symptoms. But what I hate most about this condition is how it affects my mental state. I really felt myself sinking into depression this cycle. It felt like my anti-depressants were nullified. Hell, to be totally honest, I started cutting myself again. I am really hoping that the D and C will finally make me feel normal again. Come Tuesday, I’ll know if it worked.

I haven’t been well for weeks now. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and my periods have gone from bad to worse. My OB Gyne gave me medication to stop my period but it’s not working. She said that if it’s still there on Friday I would have to undergo d and c (dilation and curettage). I don’t mind so much. I kinda miss being hospitalized.

Probably stress contributed to this. I have cough and colds right now. I just slept the whole day cos my body feels so heavy. Wasn’t able to play with Yasu much but he’s just here lying on my bed. That’s probably not a good idea cos I might break him accidentally but oh well. I’m sick and I need ‘company’.

I had a crying spell during the dawn. Mostly a pity party for myself. Partly about thoughts on my future and how I don’t want to be stuck doing something I know isn’t right for me. I woke up mom and told her that I don’t her my heart really isn’t in the family business. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life so I told her that I want to create a store for plus size fashion. I need to study sewing and fashion design but I don’t have money to do that. She said that she would support me but I need to be focused and determined to make the business succeed. She would pay for the tuition and other things I need but she’s worried that this is going to be just a passing interest. I have a track record of doing that. I give up easily when I get frustrated with something I like. I’m worried too. I don’t want this to be just a passing fancy. I also have doubts if I can pull this off. I don’t know if I have the talent for this. So yes, I am very worried. At the same time, I’m thrilled and relieved. Also a bit guilty because I let her down, not succeeding the family business. That tarot reading really shook me. Right now, I’m just listening to my heart and it’s telling me that my decision is right. I hope the Gods are with me on this.

Tomorrow I will inquire and maybe enroll at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines. I think I’m ready. I hope I’m ready.

Okay, Valentine’s Day but since a lot of people will get laid, I might as well call it Vagina. V Day means nothing to me. How could it when almost all my life I’ve been single. Even when I was in a relationship I didn’t get shit except a crappy eyesore of a card. A lot of people, single or taken, are making a big deal out of it so I decided to write about the damn day.

So what will I be doing for V Day? Absolutely nothing special. I’ll just go to work, do some errands, go home, watch some telly, and go online. Just the usual day. Maybe I can squeeze in a few pages of the book I’m reading. That would make the day a bit special.

Although the day doesn’t really mean anything to me, I am still giving mom and my sister presents. I bought a bunch of bag organizers from a multiply seller so I gave them one of each. I have an extra gift for mother because I got a coupon for free roses when I bought my digital camera. The three red roses were delivered today and mom was surprised. Hehe. I know it’s just a freebie but it’s still nice. I received a few presents as well. I got money from mom. Jesus Effing Christ!!! I just checked the envelope she gave me and there’s 4,000 bucks inside. I was only expecting to receive 500 or a thousand from her. I guess our company is doing well then. Wow. 4,000 pesos. *shakes head* I got a box of chocolates from Auntie Noemie and even more chocos from Tita Amor. Sweet. They shouldn’t have given me anything.

Should I give gifts to people I love on V Day? Even platonic love or familial love? My notion of V Day is it’s just a day for couples. Ugh. Is this weird? Or am I correct?

I should be asleep now but what the heck. Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers!

Ugh. I feel like I’m bleeding to death which I am. Well, not to death but the bleeding is true. Female problems. I hate getting my period. At least now I know why I’m depressed.

I was supposed to go to my shrink earlier today but I canceled because of the damn bleeding. I also didn’t see the point in going anymore since I know the cause of my being emotional lately. I told the secretary I will try to go next week and I’m still planning to. Hopefully this bothersome problem would be gone by then.

Tomorrow I’ll go see my OB-Gyne. Not at all pleasant since I haven’t gone back for more than a year and I expect that she will reprimand me. I really have to go though and it’s about time.

Moving on to more pleasant and appealing news. I was shocked to receive a friendster message from a former crush. I blogged about his marriage and was kinda whining about it. I never really met him personally so the message was an extra shock. Kinda embarrassing but I was asking for it since I mentioned his name over and over. Hehehe. Well he just said that he read my blog and he found it amusing. Yeah, embarrassing but I’m also amused. *sigh* I still think he’s awfully cute. Better shut my trap now.

Nothing much to write about. I’ve been badly neglecting this blog. Tsk. I’ll try to write more often but nothing much is happening in my life. At least nothing interesting to write about.

Anyhoooo, I hurt my right arm last Monday so I was in pain for several days. I’m not sure what really caused it but I suspect it’s my ridiculously heavy bag. I bring it everywhere with me and it’s messy inside as hell. I’m not even sure what’s inside anymore. The contents as I recall:

• Small Moleskine notebook (yeah, I’m pretentious)
• Hairbrush
• Long wallet heavy with coins, not paper bills
• Small wallet (the Anna Sui I won from yahoo japan!) with emergency money and some credit cards
• Benefit Glamourette
• Parker pen for more pretention
• A regular gel pen
• Valda Pastilles
• Bath & Body Works hand sanitizer
• Foldable fan
• Numerous lipsticks
• Jim Thompson mirror I bought from my trip in Thailand
• My small Nanette Lepore perfume
• Small bottle of Tylenol
• My cellphone
• Anna Sui sunglasses with case

I think that’s it. Not much so much so I have no idea why it’s so heavy. My mom has more stuff in her bag but it’s not as heavy as mine. I’m sure it’s not the bag itself cos whatever bag I use regardless of material and weight, the whole thing is just heavier than normal.

My arm is kinda okay now after having it massaged by a professional masseuse but now my left arm is beginning to act up. Ugh.

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I was watching tv last night, I think it was an E! Entertainment show, and it was mentioned that Heathers 2 is in the works. Hurray! I loved Heathers and I can’t wait for this sequel. According to Entertainment Wise, Christian Slater and Wynona Rider have already signed up for the movie. Also, the original director, Daniel Walters, is writing the script and might even direct it. Great. I just hope the film wouldn’t suck as most sequels do. I want to have a copy of Heathers DVD but I have too many DVDs here which I haven’t watched yet.

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I’m selling a lot of cute stuff on my online shop. Right now I’m accepting pre-orders for the cell phone accessories. They’re all from Japan and oh so cute! The deadline is on February 10 for pre-orders. Visit the shop at misseerie.multiply.com and add me if you have Multiply. I know my price is expensive but shipping and customs will be a killer. BTW, my stuff are only for Philippine buyers only. Sorry, my online foreign friends. I’m still selling stuff on ebay.ph and the sales are pretty good. Nice hobby, eh?

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I’m pining for a Gloomy Bear plushie. I would even settle for knock-offs but of course, I prefer the original ones from Japan. Damn obsessions! I know that buying one is a waste of money but I love it! My friend used to sell knock-off plushies but his store has closed already. Too bad for me. Boo!