bury me in this dress

I’ve been a really useless member of society for more than a week now. My depression is really severe and I haven’t felt this awful for years. I’ve been seeing a new psychiatrist. Her rates are really expensive and its putting a toll on my finances. But what can I do? I need to get better. I am fighting but the enemy has regained its strength.

I haven’t been going to work. I’m lucky because my mother understands my situation. Still, I feel very guilty for being a burden to her and our family business. Before I spew even more ugly perceptions I have about myself and turn this into an emo blog post, change topic.

My favorite form of escapism/”hold on sanity ” are Japanese dramas (doramas). I just finished watching Yankee-kun to Megane-chan and I liked it. Just a couple of minutes ago I watched “5 Minutes Before That” which is a series of short Japanese dramas. Two of them touched me that’s why I’m posting this blog. If you have a few minutes to spare, please watch them.

It Happened One Night

Last Fight

Thank god for Viikii.net. I’d probably just be sulking all day if I didn’t have my doramas to help me feel better.

I underwent a full battery of psychological tests a few weeks ago and I finally saw the results today.

The tests I took and some results

1. Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, Revised edition (WAIS-R)
   Verbal Score IQ – 100 average
   Performance Score IQ – 119 high average
   Full Score IQ – 108 average
2. Bender Visual Motor Gestalt Test
3. Draw a Person Test
4. Full Luscher Color Test
5. Thematic Apperception Test
6. Rorschach Psychodiagnostic Test
7. Myers Briggs Type Indicator (ENTP)
8. Millon Clinical Multi-axial Inventory III (MCMI-3)
   Clinical Personality Pattern/s: Depressive, Antisocial, Dependent
   Severe Personality Pathology: Borderline
   Clinical Syndrome/s: Anxiety, Dysthymia
   Severe Syndrome/s: Major Depression

I won’t include the full report here. What am I? Crazy? No cos the test said I’m not. However, I’m not very happy with the findings because most of the tests indicated I’m average. I want to be above average! But what can I do? That’s the brain I was born with. The full report is mostly gobbledygook to me though. Bleh.

Basically my cognitive abilities are enough to help me deal with life’s demands. Except that I have a tendency to act-out and to be impulsive. I display cognitive ambivalence under perceived pressure…whatever that means. I also have an active imagination and tend to fantasize when overwhelmed by pressure. I don’t agree with this. Escapism maybe but my imagination/fantasy skills are very much lacking. The test also confirmed that I have difficulty in sustaining concentration.

The part that struck me most about the result is this:

A pollyana orientation is gleaned … KJA expects things to blend perfectly and is likely to pour oil on troubled waters.

So I’m a closet optimist. Shoot me. But I totally do not understand that pouring oil on troubled waters bit. Somebody enlighten me, please.

The test says I am not aggressive. Well, yes and no methinks.

This battery of tests costs us 8,500 pesos. Ack. I’m lucky my family can afford the fee but what about those who need to be assessed but can’t cough up that amount? The state of psychology and psychiatry in the Philippines need A LOT to improve on. They should make consultations, tests, treatments, medicines, and such affordable.

And everyone who wants to run in politics should be required to take this full battery of psych exams! There. I’ve said my piece.

I fail at life but not in contests. I recently found out that I won in 2 contests I joined.

Out of the 80 entries in Manila Fashion Observer and Rootote‘s contest, my name was the one picked from the bowl. I send my virtual kiss to Berry, Christine Dychiao’s daughter.

The other prize I won is a tube of Dr. Jart Black Label BB Cream from Project Vanity.

So many blessings yet I feel like shit. Alas, I will finally take a psych exam tomorrow. Hopefully my luck with life will be as good as my luck with contests.

Some of my friends over at Plurk wanted me to share this. Mom gave it to me awhile ago since I’m depressed again.

Dear Lord, you are the one who created me and you are the one who has provided for my salvation and for my spiritual growth. I firmly believe that you are a great God that loves me very much and that you know where I am going and what is good for me. I humbly beseech you know, dear Lord, because I am confused, struggling with hurting pain. Let me feel your loving care and compassion. Let me feel your sense of purpose and understand what you have planned for me in this crisis that I am now undergoing. Lord, you are my refuge, my hope and my stronghold in this very difficult time of my life. I lean on and confidently put my trust in you. For I know that you will not forsake me. I pray that you will let time heal this wound and I will become a better person because of your work in me in this crisis. Amen.

I may not necessarily believe in it but I still appreciate the little gift from mom.

A few days ago, a psychiatric report on Senator Benigno Aquino III started circulating on the internet. The report, which was dated February 10, 1996, stated that the young Aquino was having depression and disassociation. It also indicated that he experimented with Marijuana and other pills. The report violates doctor-patient confidentiality. Regardless, the document has been proven to be fake.

Even if Senator Aquino had depression, he doesn’t have it anymore. And in case he does, so what? I have depression and I live normally. My mental faculties are intact. I can make sound decisions. The bottom-line is I can still function.

The black propaganda allegedly masterminded by the Nationalista Party is so rotten and I take this personally. They are perpetuating the myth that people who seek psychiatric help are nut-jobs. What they did has resulted to more stigma against Filipinos suffering from depression and other mental health problems. It’s like we’re back in the dark ages. Psychiatry and psychology are more progressive now when it comes to diagnoses and treatments that maybe the person sitting next to you has a mental problem but you are not aware of it because the treatment he’s taking is working.

That’s what we strive for, a life of normalcy. So I have to stand up against this abominable act, all for the sake of politics, because this has done more damage than they are even aware of!

Maybe I should form a party-list to defend people suffering from mental disorders.

The other morning, my mother talked to me. She revealed that she has depression again and that I’m the cause of it. I don’t know how to take that news. It is devastating. I mean, who wouldn’t feel awful when you happen to be the cause of someone’s depression. But I know and understand where she’s coming from. I’m just drifting through life and she wants more from me. I just don’t know where to get the energy, motivation, or urge to become someone she can be proud of. She wants me to prove I’m worthy to be called her daughter and to do something so her depression wouldn’t worsen. The problem is, what she said to me is affecting me badly and how it’s affecting me will worsen her depression. It’s a lose-lose situation. So now my depression has been re-triggered but I’m trying not to blame my mom for this. I don’t want to blame myself either but that’s the better option than blaming mom. I am aware that I am lacking in so many ways but with regard to my depression, it was becoming manageable. Honestly, if the Zoloft I’m taking isn’t working, the news would have shattered me more and I probably would have started cutting again. But I’m not so I guess that’s the silver lining to this.

To my relatives who happen to read this, please don’t mention that I blogged about what happened. Mom told me not to tell anyone but I badly need a release. Please.

I feel frustrated right now. With my weight and my love life which is in limbo. I know I should count my blessings. I have great friends, a stable job, a family, and I’m not broke (tomorrow is payday). Still, there’s a chasm in my heart that remains to be filled. I have crushes at the moment but both are going nowhere. How I wish I have a fairy godmother who will grant me my wishes and send my prince charming my way.

It’s been 10 years since my last relationship. Too long, 10 years. I don’t want to go to singles’ bars because that’s just not my thing. I have male friends and friends they shall remain since I doubt I’m their type of woman. To them, I’ll forever be their buddy. It isn’t so bad but I’m getting scared that I will never meet a guy who will like me back and love me for who and what I am. I’m already 31 and most of my batchmates from high school are married with kids. They’ve (hopefully) found their life partners.

My situation makes me question how I am. What am I doing wrong? Should I change who I am? If I change myself, it will be like living a lie but maybe it’ll be worth it. However, I don’t want to change. I want somebody who can get me. Somebody who will understand my quirks and kinks. But by not changing, I might be waiting for nothing. For no one. By not changing, I might end up alone.

Nicholas Hughes

I did not choose to board this ship
but hang on, I did
hoping, waiting
for the eventual destiny
as whispered by the Gods.

Days, weeks, months, years
of endless seas
numbed my mind
played with it
but the past remains.

Soon I shall meet Her
My past, my present, my future
shall converge.
Must prepare to disembark
as the Gods give their approval.

I dedicate this to his memory. May he rest in peace.