bury me in this dress

The other morning, my mother talked to me. She revealed that she has depression again and that I’m the cause of it. I don’t know how to take that news. It is devastating. I mean, who wouldn’t feel awful when you happen to be the cause of someone’s depression. But I know and understand where she’s coming from. I’m just drifting through life and she wants more from me. I just don’t know where to get the energy, motivation, or urge to become someone she can be proud of. She wants me to prove I’m worthy to be called her daughter and to do something so her depression wouldn’t worsen. The problem is, what she said to me is affecting me badly and how it’s affecting me will worsen her depression. It’s a lose-lose situation. So now my depression has been re-triggered but I’m trying not to blame my mom for this. I don’t want to blame myself either but that’s the better option than blaming mom. I am aware that I am lacking in so many ways but with regard to my depression, it was becoming manageable. Honestly, if the Zoloft I’m taking isn’t working, the news would have shattered me more and I probably would have started cutting again. But I’m not so I guess that’s the silver lining to this.

To my relatives who happen to read this, please don’t mention that I blogged about what happened. Mom told me not to tell anyone but I badly need a release. Please.

I feel frustrated right now. With my weight and my love life which is in limbo. I know I should count my blessings. I have great friends, a stable job, a family, and I’m not broke (tomorrow is payday). Still, there’s a chasm in my heart that remains to be filled. I have crushes at the moment but both are going nowhere. How I wish I have a fairy godmother who will grant me my wishes and send my prince charming my way.

It’s been 10 years since my last relationship. Too long, 10 years. I don’t want to go to singles’ bars because that’s just not my thing. I have male friends and friends they shall remain since I doubt I’m their type of woman. To them, I’ll forever be their buddy. It isn’t so bad but I’m getting scared that I will never meet a guy who will like me back and love me for who and what I am. I’m already 31 and most of my batchmates from high school are married with kids. They’ve (hopefully) found their life partners.

My situation makes me question how I am. What am I doing wrong? Should I change who I am? If I change myself, it will be like living a lie but maybe it’ll be worth it. However, I don’t want to change. I want somebody who can get me. Somebody who will understand my quirks and kinks. But by not changing, I might be waiting for nothing. For no one. By not changing, I might end up alone.

Nicholas Hughes

I did not choose to board this ship
but hang on, I did
hoping, waiting
for the eventual destiny
as whispered by the Gods.

Days, weeks, months, years
of endless seas
numbed my mind
played with it
but the past remains.

Soon I shall meet Her
My past, my present, my future
shall converge.
Must prepare to disembark
as the Gods give their approval.

I dedicate this to his memory. May he rest in peace.

I’ve been feeling depressed these past few days. I would cry on and off because of the littlest things. I also feel disgusting, ugly, and fat. So I made an appointment early this week and got scheduled for Friday afternoon. There was no breakthrough during the session. The doctor said I should keep on taking 3 efexors a day and an additional 1 and 1/2 lithium for 1 week then up the lithium dosage to 2 pills a day on the second. On the third week, I need to get a blood assay test to check my blood plasma. I hope the added lithium will finally make me normal but I doubt it. I suspect I need a change of medication. Anyway, I noticed the doctor’s collection of singing bowls in his office and he taught me how to use them. It’s really nice and relaxing. I feel safe in his office too because of the way he decorated it. His approach to therapy is very holistic, you see. He even does pranic healing, dramatization, accupuncture, etc. I’m thinking of trying his pranic healing when I have the money for it. (more…)

Aria, I love you!!!

I miss my cat Aria dearly. She hasn’t come home for weeks but the neighbor’s maid said that she saw my cat in the hills, squatters area near my house. She also said that good cats do that when they are sick and want to die. I’m devastated.

Aria is my first cat. She helped me during my depressive stages just by being there as I cried. We were very close. She would sleep beside me most of the time. I even shared some of my food with her. Maybe it was a mistake when mother and I bought Vyolette. Aria felt threatened and she became mad at me. She ignored me and spent most of her times outdoor. Vyolette gave birth and we kept some of her children: Elmer, Barney, and Midnight. Aria must have felt that we didn’t want her anymore so she grew more and more distant. She never became friendly with the other cats.

Late last year, Aria refused to come home after giving birth. She neglected her litter and they died. We only saw Aria from afar and she became so thin. She probably wasn’t eating anymore. I told the maid to catch her so I could bring her to the vet. The doctor said there’s nothing wrong with her except malnourishment. I left her in the clinic for several days though. When we brought her back, Aria was pretty much her old self. Sweet, sleeping next to me, wanting to be stroked, etc. Before we left for Hong Kong last December 29, she was still her old self but when we came back on January 2, she was gone.

I don’t know how to make her come back. I miss her dearly but she doesn’t want to come home. Maybe she’s really dying like what the neighbor’s maid said. Still, I am devastated and I cried a lot earlier. I just want her to be with me again. I don’t want her to die. She’s not even old.

It’s going to be alright, girl. Nothing much you can do. Just keep on marching to your own tune. It might lead you to new and exciting places or to more decrepit and despair, but move on. And keep the baggage light.

I will let Morrissey sing how I feel.

[audio:The%20Smiths%20-%20Unloveable.mp3]

So I went to my shrink this afternoon because of the worsening depression and some family problems. I was expecting that I will be weeping the entire time I was there. Surprisingly I didn’t because he was really being  ridiculous. I told him about my state of mind lately and about how I’m a big disappointment, etc. His answers were too funny. He said that yes, I may be a disappointment to some people’s eyes but I have my own standards too. I should just accept that people will always be disappointed with me. I’m chill compared to my family of workaholics. I should just accept that I’m “abnormal”. He asked me what I would be doing if I have no pressure from my family. I said that if I have lots of money and absolutely no pressure, I will probably just stay at home and chill and go out sometimes to pursue my hobbies and likes. But since I’m not rich, I want to marry a rich guy. He said that there are a lot of guys out there who are workaholic and wants a  low maintenance wife he can take care of. I told him that I want a hubby who won’t overwhelm me and just let me be free to pursue my interests. He said that guys like that are atypical, like 1 in 100,000. I told him I’m doomed to be a spinster then. Later on, he said maybe I have a chance if I marry a rich Chinese guy since they’re usually workaholic. He suggested that I hang out where those kinds of people usually go to. I have no idea where that is and what their interests usually are. So I asked him. He doesn’t know and only came up with “business”. Sheesh. But what he said cheered me up. He confirmed how abnormal I am and that I’m so different from my family. If I judge myself according to my standards, I wouldn’t be disappointed with myself and he is right. But the idea is so foreign to me since I’m surrounded by a clan of workaholics. We talked about other things and I stayed there for more than an hour. At least I got my money…erm my mother’s money’s worth.