bury me in this dress

I don’t I will ever understand them. Still, I don’t want to be a spinster. Or a nun which I’m so not qualified for anyway. Growing up with no father and studying at an all-girl Catholic school up to high school, it is no wonder I am so clueless as to how boys operate.

Back in college, this one guy asked me to watch a movie with him after class. Well, I wanted to watch that movie so I went with him. We ate first and he offered to pay for our low-class meal. I let him since free food is free food, right? I don’t even remember what movie we watched but I left him after the movie ended. Well imagine my surprise when I learned that he’s been saying that we went on a date. I had no idea that he even liked me romantically. And excuse me, if it were a date, I would have expected more. Like better meal! I was so annoyed with the guy and it even got more annoying when he kept on calling on the phone with boring chit chat and sudden blurts of “I love you’s” and me repeating “sorry I don’t feel that way about you”. After a couple of months he gave up on me but he became bitter over it. He hated me. I was like “what the fuck? I was even nice to him na nga”.

Well this is just one example of how I don’t understand the opposite sex. I couldn’t detect if somebody likes me romantically or not. I have many experiences of thinking that certain guys liking me and it always turns out that I was wrong. How delusional of me and how embarrassing too.

I have a crush on somebody right now and I’m sure my feelings for him isn’t reciprocated. It is just so impossible. I bought “He’s Just Not That Into You” several years ago and if that book is really reliable and applicable to the Philippine society, then all signs point to no, he is just not that into me. Which also points to the impending doom of spinsterhood.

I still feel depressed but I know it’s just because I’m bitter and sour graping about Bishie. I’m lucky when it comes to money, family, even friends sometimes. When it comes to romance, I’m a loser. I should feel blessed because I have it easy compared to most people but I do want some romance once in a while. I only had one boyfriend and that was almost 7 years ago. After that relationship, my love life went downhill. I could hardly even remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. I’m the one who dumped the guy so maybe what’s been happening to me is bad karma. The guy said I ruined his life. I doubt that I did because he had a lot of girlfriends after me. Feh…sometimes I think that I was a big slut in my past life and it’s my fate to be loveless this lifetime

I had a very trying day. I was very busy working on a presentation. On top of that, something has been bothering me since last night. I can’t discuss the specifics since it involves my family but because of it, my depression was triggered again. It’s kind of resolved now but it really zapped my energy. My eyes hurt and are swollen from crying too. I don’t want to sleep yet though. I want to read or watch something to amuse myself but my eyes are defying me.

Ugh. I feel like I’m bleeding to death which I am. Well, not to death but the bleeding is true. Female problems. I hate getting my period. At least now I know why I’m depressed.

I was supposed to go to my shrink earlier today but I canceled because of the damn bleeding. I also didn’t see the point in going anymore since I know the cause of my being emotional lately. I told the secretary I will try to go next week and I’m still planning to. Hopefully this bothersome problem would be gone by then.

Tomorrow I’ll go see my OB-Gyne. Not at all pleasant since I haven’t gone back for more than a year and I expect that she will reprimand me. I really have to go though and it’s about time.

Moving on to more pleasant and appealing news. I was shocked to receive a friendster message from a former crush. I blogged about his marriage and was kinda whining about it. I never really met him personally so the message was an extra shock. Kinda embarrassing but I was asking for it since I mentioned his name over and over. Hehehe. Well he just said that he read my blog and he found it amusing. Yeah, embarrassing but I’m also amused. *sigh* I still think he’s awfully cute. Better shut my trap now.

Mom and I tried to sing Janis Ian’s At Seventeen during last Saturday’s karaoke party but we couldn’t because we weren’t too familiar with the tune of the song. We recently discovered it while watching Entertainment Tonight when the singer was interviewed. A few days ago, I asked mom why she didn’t know that song since it was popular during her time. She answered that maybe she just didn’t notice it but added that most probably it’s because she couldn’t relate to that song since she was very popular and had many suitors back then. I wanted to give a smart retort but I couldn’t come up with anything so I just let it go. I like that song because I could relate to it so much.

When I was 17, I wasn’t popular with the boys. I wasn’t popular with the girls either. In school, I was pretty much a loner. I had a few friends but we couldn’t really spend much time with each other since it was a busy time, us being seniors after all. I felt so unloved during that time and I yearned for a boyfriend so much. Often I daydreamed that my crushes like me back and I would pretend that they always call me, send me presents and love letters, whisper sweet nothings, etc. I was still 17 when I was a college freshman and although I had more friends, my love life was still pretty much the same. Actually up to now but I’ve definitely moved on and don’t even think of that matter as a problem.

My experiences are so different from mom’s and my sister’s. Sometimes I wonder if they think there’s something wrong with me because I never lived the life they live. I bet they think that sometimes. Heck, there are times when I wonder about it myself. So up to now I can still relate to Janis Ian’s song although I don’t imagine or pretend that I have a boyfriend anymore.

I can’t believe it! I stumbled upon a fellow UP CAST (UP Cinema Arts Society) member. Seeing the pictures in his posts brought back memories of my days in UP and how it was like in the organization. I remember the fun we had back then. *sigh* I don’t want to be nostalgic but I can’t help it. I thought UP CAST isn’t active anymore but I just found out that it’s very much alive. I smell a UP CAST reunion coming up. Anyway, I saw his site listed at Pinoy Top Blogs because I was checking the *ehem* competitions. I whored myself and joined it so if you like this blog, vote for me by clicking the button on the sidebar.

I had a couple hours of sleep again. I woke up shivering and feeling very cold. I turned the fan on at full blast and directed it to me. I often do this but it’s the first time I felt that chilled. Very odd. I couldn’t sleep after that eventhough I really wanted to. My mind just suddenly went into hyperdrive and I didn’t want to take Melatonin again.

I’ve been in this zombie state the whole day but I still drove the car to Greenhills for a family dinner. Mom hates driving during weekends so she asked me to drive. I just couldn’t say no. We didn’t meet any accidents but I forgot to take the parking ticket from the attendant. I just drove on and looked for a space. Then while we were walking towards the restos, I couldn’t recall if I took a ticket or not. Mom couldn’t remember either but I just assumed that I left the ticket in the car. It turns out that I really forgot to take the ticket. Good thing the attendant took note and kept the ticket for us. Otherwise, we would have to pay 150 pesos. Eek.

The dinner was good. Some of my relatives were there too. We ate at Bizu which is a really nice patisserie/cafe although quite expensive. After dinner we had some coffee at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf which is my favorite coffee place because of their The Ultimate Mocha. A lot of people were just hanging around which is uncommon for a Sunday night. It turns out that there’s no work tomorrow because the President will give her State of the Nation Address. We were there for a couple of hours, just talking and joking around. It was very pleasant and the people around us were in good moods because of the holiday. If I were a corporate slave, I would really be glad too but since I am a bum, everyday is like a holiday. Kinda.