Fuck! I’m agitated today. I don’t really know what I’m feeling but I guess it’s a mixture of anger, guilt, and feeling really rotten. I just feel like this big loser for some reason. I also didn’t go to work today because I lack sleep. I feel guilty for that but what can I do? I really have a hard time sleeping but mom won’t understand that. So I hate myself right now.
I caught Rockstar:Supernova while channel-surfing for something good to watch and was totally blown away with Dilana’s performance. She’s fucking amazing! She covered Nirvana’s Lithium and eventhough she just stood still throughout most of the song, she was so intense that it didn’t matter. I’m so totally rooting for her even if I couldn’t vote for her cos the show is broadcast live at 8:30 am and I could only watch the replays. I love her and I hope she wins.
Today was so boring at work. Ugh. I didn’t do anything except email something for mom. That’s it. It’s easy money, yeah, but I want more action. Just looking at other people as they do their work is a bit depressing. It’s also embarrassing and makes me wonder what the others think of me.
Oooh it’s my first day of work and I’m in the office right now. So far, my only duty is to observe. Quite boring actually but it’s okay. I shouldn’t complain since this is as easy as pie and I get paid for doing almost nothing. I can even go online using the laptop because of the unsecured wi-fi of the company beside us. I’m so lucky. I just hope I won’t get caught but I don’t think I will since they never changed their wireless router’s configuration. Hehehe.
Big boss aka mom will take me with her to a meeting this afternoon. She’s going to meet a client in a restaurant so that’s free grub for me. Yay.
It’s supposed to be my first day at work today but I didn’t go. It’s one of the benefits of being the boss’ daughter but I’m still not proud of it. What happened was, mom doesn’t want to give me the usual sleeping pills I take so I had to make do with over-the-counter ones but those make me very groggy. They also give me bad dreams. I took Sleep Aide around 11 pm but that didn’t make me sleepy at all. Around 2 am, I was still wide awake so I took melatonin. I think I fell asleep 30 minutes after but when I had to wake up at 8 am, I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. So there. I told my mom that I just couldn’t keep awake for work and slept all day. I’m going to take melatonin after posting this and hopefully I’ll be fully awake by 8 am tomorrow.
I’m so bored right now so I will update you a bit about my travel. When we were in LA, we stayed with some family friends in Burbank. Old fuddy duddies but they’re really nice. Very hospitable but they hardly go out especially to LA proper. That meant that we hardly got out of Burbank as well. My aunt and uncle who lives here also joined us so we were all in this one house. I thought that would be nice but it was hell having my aunt and uncle there. They’re like headless chicken all the time and made all sorts of plans which mom and I didn’t really like. Like an overnight trip to Las Vegas. You can’t do Vegas overnight. You won’t be able to appreciate the place. Plus they didn’t want to make hotel reservations so when we got there, we spent hours just looking for a nice hotel. It was hell and the Vegas heat added to the effect. The highlight of that Vegas trip was the good finds at Primm’s outlet. I was able to buy some cheap Bath and Body products there. There was also this quick trip to Santa Barbara and Solvang. I enjoyed that very much especially Solvang. I loved the place and I want to visit again someday. I got so smitten with one of the waiters in a cafe there. Very handsome and had the loveliest eyes. *sigh* Here’s a stolen shot although he looks ugly in the picture.
I was able to borrow a car like a week and a half later, thanks to my aunt (the one in San Jose). She lent me her Expedition and eventhough it was a bit difficult to drive since I’m not used to driving vehicles that size, I couldn’t really complain cos she lent it for free. I didn’t have the nerve to drive outside Burbank and take freeways. Even driving inside the city is nerve-wracking. Anyway, mom and I would escape from my megalomaniac relatives by driving to malls. There we were able to finally relax eventhough it was pricey because we always went home with purchases.
The megalomaniacs left earlier with the owners of the house. They all went to Hawaii. We were supposed to go with them but my sister is this big hypochondriac and she wanted us to go home early. Instead of the 26th, we changed our return flight to the 21st. On the night of the 20th, we met up with my other aunt and uncle who just migrated there. It was sad and we were all crying in the end. I want them here in the Philippines but I’m just being selfish. Whatever. I wish them all the luck. Right now they really need it.
This update sucks, huh? Oh well. I was supposed to meet Mae but that didn’t happen. Sorry about that, Mae. Was also supposed to meet up with Neko in Hawaii but nothing I can really do about that although my sister was perfectly fine when we got back. Very annoying but I guess going back earlier is okay. I don’t want to be stuck with the megalomaniacs for 1 more week. I spent a lot during the trip, most of them charged to my credit cards. Argh. So in order to have money, I will start working for mom this July. I don’t know how much I spent in total. I just know I spent a lot.
i hate working for the networks. i told myself i would never work for either ABS-CBN or GMA but, starting tomorrow, i’m back. i need the extra money and it’s only temporary. like, for just a month. but i am starting to feel the old dread again. i can feel it in my stomach and my chest. i haven’t felt that for a long time and i didn’t expect to feel it again at least this soon. i may have committed myself to jumping off a cliff by taking the job. mother is happy about it though. she thinks this is a good thing for me. she believes that editing is my most fulfilling job. i wish she were right but the most fulfilling job i’ve ever had was when i worked as a PA for a no-budget straight-to-video film called ‘Intermedio’. i loved it because it was an eye-opener. a glimpse into how Hollywood works. Very unlike the shitty Philippine cinema we have here. I didn’t even get paid for that gig because i was supposed to be an intern or something. I want to work in Hollywood again but I’m back in the Philippines. And I don’t have enough experience to compete with the other Hollywood hopefuls. US indie films would be nice too actually but I don’t think indie productions hire non US citizens.
I’ve digressed and I’m a bit keyed up on sleeping pills. Please excuse me.
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
