Shopping for myself. That’s what I did yesterday afternoon. I went for a quick urinalysis (orders of by OB Gyne) then went to a nearby sale by a factory outlet of Dr. Martens. I was able to find a nice mary janes my size and bought it for 2,200 pesos. Still expensive but Doc Martens are expensive. From there, I went to Robinson’s Galleria because the Smart Wireless Center there is cozier than Shangri-la’s. My Plan 800 expired October last year and since I have no plans of switching, I got their retention plan. Because of the retention plan, I was able to buy a discounted Sony Ericsson P1i for 12,000 pesos. I think the current market value of the unit is 17K so it’s still a good deal. Actually I wasn’t expecting that I will be able to take home the unit today but my papers got processed fast.
Where did I get my money for all these? Since mom began helping me organize the payment of my credit card debts, I was able to save a lot of salary money. I still don’t know how she did it but it’s working great.
So yeah, new phone and new shoes. I’m happy again but how long will that last?
I’ve been emotionally unstable for…I don’t know how long cos it just feels like forever. However, I became more unstable when I attended my cousin’s wedding last Sunday afternoon. I didn’t want to go. I don’t really like weddings because the one that might have really mattered to me became a failed marriage. I also think they’re a waste of time and effort, what with having to get all dolled up even if the spotlight is only pointed at the bride. I had to attend this wedding though. My cousin asked me to take photos of his event because he was asked to write about it for a newspaper and a magazine. So I did go as a favor for him even if I was reluctant.
I expected a grand, lavish wedding so I was surprised at how few guests were in the church. I thought they would have invited more since they could afford to splurge on this momentous occasion but I guess they wanted to have a solemn one. The bride looked stunning in her simple wedding down. The groom, my cousin looked dapper in a black suit. What really mattered is how they looked at each other. The love couldn’t be missed. It’s so obvious in their eyes. The couple cried quite a lot during the ceremony but I didn’t expect that I would have tears in my eyes too.
It was during the exchange of vows. I don’t remember the exact words but what the bride said really twisted my heart. It was beautiful and sincere. She said something about them being travel partners and how they would take care of each other forever, support each other, never leave each other’s sides. I cried because of it was truly touching. I also cried because I know I would not find a person who can be my life partner. I will never be able to make my mother happy with a marriage, my marriage, because I don’t see that ever happening to me. People keep on saying that it will happen to me, that my time will come someday. How can I convince them that even my heart believes it’s a hopeless case? It’s a gut feeling and there’s a finality to it. That I have no other choice but to accept? Maybe my friends and family are just denying this inevitability. Or perhaps they are just trying to comfort me. I know what my future holds though and I cannot be comforted and I don’t really want to. I want everyone to just accept that because I don’t want my marriage to add to the growing list of disappointments because of me.
Marriage isn’t meant for everyone. I want it to be meant for me but it’s not in my genetic makeup. I’m fucked up. I have so many baggages. If I were a product, I’d be damaged goods. Nobody wants someone like that for a life partner. I wouldn’t want me as a life partner even. I could hardly take care of myself so how can I take care of a husband, a family? It will be unfair to him even if I do manage to find someone dumb enough to want to be with me. If ever I get blinded by love and agree to get married, how long will the magic last? 1 year? 2 years? After that, we’ll just be another pair to add to the growing number of separations and divorces. That is not going to happen. I won’t allow it to happen. It doesn’t even look close that something like that will happen because I’m already 30 and there’s no man in my life right now. But why does that make me so sad?
A dark and inviting descent through textures that swirl and drift like liquid smoke while ethno-electronic grooves throb with primal urges. This presents an interesting collision of atmospheric sound and rhythmic textures that immerses deep in to the subconcious. Featuring a selection of musician and sound-artists combining essential-organic, electronic, rhythmic and atmospheric elements to create another level of sound listening.
Let us take you there…
Experience a night of experimentation in sound, featuring a diverse line up of performers, ranging from ambient, electro, industrial, tripno beat to noise. With performances from the ethno-industrial band Elemento, the texture driven Blend:er, the southern Ambient trio The Slavedrum, the electro industrial band Decay Transit, Nyabinghi and the throbbing rhythm of Vikno. ALL IN MAY 14TH @ Penguin Cafe, Malate
I got this from a friend who has a friend who has a friend who works for Touch Mobile as customer support. He’s the call center agent who answered. It’s so funny!
PS
If you want to download the mp3, I uploaded it to my mediafire account here.
So I went to my shrink this afternoon because of the worsening depression and some family problems. I was expecting that I will be weeping the entire time I was there. Surprisingly I didn’t because he was really being ridiculous. I told him about my state of mind lately and about how I’m a big disappointment, etc. His answers were too funny. He said that yes, I may be a disappointment to some people’s eyes but I have my own standards too. I should just accept that people will always be disappointed with me. I’m chill compared to my family of workaholics. I should just accept that I’m “abnormal”. He asked me what I would be doing if I have no pressure from my family. I said that if I have lots of money and absolutely no pressure, I will probably just stay at home and chill and go out sometimes to pursue my hobbies and likes. But since I’m not rich, I want to marry a rich guy. He said that there are a lot of guys out there who are workaholic and wants a low maintenance wife he can take care of. I told him that I want a hubby who won’t overwhelm me and just let me be free to pursue my interests. He said that guys like that are atypical, like 1 in 100,000. I told him I’m doomed to be a spinster then. Later on, he said maybe I have a chance if I marry a rich Chinese guy since they’re usually workaholic. He suggested that I hang out where those kinds of people usually go to. I have no idea where that is and what their interests usually are. So I asked him. He doesn’t know and only came up with “business”. Sheesh. But what he said cheered me up. He confirmed how abnormal I am and that I’m so different from my family. If I judge myself according to my standards, I wouldn’t be disappointed with myself and he is right. But the idea is so foreign to me since I’m surrounded by a clan of workaholics. We talked about other things and I stayed there for more than an hour. At least I got my money…erm my mother’s money’s worth.
Finding a good webhosting company can be so tedious. I’ve tried 4 already and so far I’m very satisfied with my current one. A few things I’ve learned from my experiences with past hosts: 1) Never buy space from a reseller, 2) Make sure it has 24-hour support, 3) Get monthly or quarterly subscription instead of annually, and 4) If unsatisfied with current host, ask other domain bloggers where they are hosted and if they like it.
I tried free webhosting companies for awhile. I was desperate then. Even if the service is lacking, such sites can be valuable at times. That’s why I’m compiling a list of free webhosting companies, just in case I will need one in the future. Here are some I’ve managed to gather:
000webhost.com - offers 350mb space, 100gb bandwidth, no banners
freehostia - 250mb space, 5GB bandwidth, no forced ads
I’ve only tested webhost and that was just for a few weeks. I haven’t tried the other sites. Just always remember to read the fine print. If you know of other free webhosting companies, post the link by commenting here.
Added a list of my books. It’s not my full collection though. I bought a book cataloging application last year and I just add my books as I read them or when I remember the ones on my shelves. It’s a nice application called Bookpedia and I finally generated an html list of my collection. The templates are limited but I like the metal one I chose. If you’re curious about my collection, you can check them here. Some of the book covers in the list are different from what I really have though.
I am feeling so low right now. You wouldn’t even be able to imagine how shitty I’m feeling. It’s really bad. I couldn’t talk about what happened because it’s personal but it involves a member of my family and some weirds which made me feel worthless. It just hurts so much but I feel guilty at the same time. Not that the guild would change anything. It just exacerbates the feeling and situation. If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog, you’ll know that I have difficulties dealing with things especially when it involves a certain family member. There’s only a few people in my family so make a guess. I won’t mention who it is though. That person’s words have the power to drive me over the edge sometimes. And I just don’t really know how to process it emotionally. I just don’t have the capacity in my psyche. I had no choice but to make an appointment with my shrink and I got lucky this time because he has an available slot for me for Thursday afternoon. I should feel a bit relieved but all sorts of feelings are gnawing me on the inside and I couldn’t describe it even if I tried. Added to this, she thinks I should just let go and give up my shrink, my anti-depressants, and my sleeping pills. She must be insane. If not for those, I’d be dead right now.
I’ve always envied my sister and my cousin for their long, thick eyelashes. Mine is short but even worse than that, my eyelashes point in crazy directions. Even when I use an eyelash curler, and I bought an expensive Shu Uemura curler thinking that it will work for me, and goops of mascara, my lashes cannot be tamed. It’s really frustrating. I’ll try to post a photo of my lashes but I don’t have a macro lens. I think I might need an eyelash hair transplant or something drastic. I don’t know if it’s true or just an old wives’ tale but they say that if you want your kids to have long lashes, you have to trim them at an early age so they will grow back nice and long. Well my mom did that to my sister. Not to me though. Maybe that’s why my lashes are so ugly.
Friday night I met up with Phoebe at Shangri-la so we can dine at Cibo. I miss the food there and I ordered my usual. Telefono with spaghettini and the Crostini with the Spinach dip. Did I spell that correctly? Phoebe ordered her usual as well which is Spaghetti Alfonso (I think). Basta it tasted good. We’re kind of lactose intolerant though and our stomachs were rumbling after the cream-based pastas.
Last night I had another Italian dinner at Amici. It was my first time there and I was surprised that it’s a self-service restaurant. The place was packed but Phoebe and I got a table easily. I forgot what she ordered. I wasn’t able to taste it because she ate it all so fast. That girl has a really big appetite. I got Spaghetti Vongoli something something. Very long name but I didn’t like it much. It also took a loooong time to arrive so I just lapped up the pizza we shared. It was the Al Funghi pizza (my spelling sucks, I know!) and it was really good. I think Amici’s specialty is their pizzas. Jenny caught up with us and we indulged in their toe-curling gelatos and profiteroles. I especially loved the sans rival gelato and ended up buying 1 kilo of it to take home. I think the price is reasonable for P450.
Yummy pizza!
Scrumptious profiteroles
After Amici, we hung out at our usual Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Only Phoebe ordered because Jenny and I were so full but usually I order The Ultimate mocha there. Since I bought that gelato from Amici, I asked the staff if they can store it in their refrigerator and they were so nice enough to accomodate me. We spent hours there just talking about different things. Phoebe showed me her new Sony Ericsson W960i and I’m now more tempted to get one too. We used the free wifi there and their internet was fast. I’m not sure if it’s because of the phone or just the ISP in the cafe. We made plans of going to Fort Ilocandia soon. If I’m going to buy a W960i, I won’t have enough money for the vacation so now I’m having second thoughts about the trip. Is the phone more worth it or Fort Ilocandia which I’ve never been to? We talked about so many things from American Idol contestants (I don’t watch it anymore) to US politics. Fun times. I haven’t gone out for ages because of the damn PCOS so last night was a good catch-up for us three.
