bury me in this dress

from the virtual numerologist

Your Life Path number is 7.

A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul, and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don’t accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion. You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too. You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy. You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone; your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide. It’s easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people. You aren’t one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it’s for life. You really aren’t a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness. Actually, it’s not that at all, but merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.

i’ve been eating too much these past few days. i think it’s because of my new medicine. i forgot the name but it’s cheap and is supposed to get rid of depression. my new psychotherapist prescribed it to me since i was complaining about prozac which i think doesn’t work on me anymore. another side effect of the new medicine is sleepiness and dryness of mouth. i’m not feeling any effect from it but it’s not making me more depressed so i guess that’s good. i just don’t like the increase of appetite. i don’t normally eat a lot but now i keep on eating junk food. i don’t like the feeling at all. i’ll tell the doctor to prescribe me a different medicine after my supply runs out.

my internet connection can be so slow sometimes. it’s really getting to be annoying. i’ve been thinking about getting a DSL but the one I have now comes with free cable for tv. i also don’t know if DSL is any better than this.

I’ve been tagged by Allen Steadham so why not? Here goes…

1. Total number of books I have owned.
I’ve stopped counting. I own a lot of books, a lot of them second hand ones.

2. Last book I bought
I just bought two yesterday. One is ‘Angels & Demons’ by Dan Brown and the other is ‘Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell’ by Susanna Clarke. I’ve started on Angels & Demons and so far so good.

3. Last book I read
Hmmm. Reread actually. It’s ‘Witchbaby’ by Francesca Lia Block. A really good book!

4. Five books that mean a lot to me
Let me see. ‘Witchbaby’, ‘Girl Goddess #9′, and ‘Echo’. All by Francesca Lia Block. So that’s three already. ‘Stargirl’ by Jerry Spinelli and ‘Prozac Nation’ by Elizabeth Wurtzel.

5. Tag Five People and have them do this on their blogs
I’ll try to tag Jenny, Gackoi, Triccia, Kyophile, and Darra.

Thais have a place in my heart now. They look like Filipinos but their attitude is much much different. They are friendly, happy-go-lucky, sincere, patient, loving, charming, spiritual, happy, etc. They have pride in their country, culture, and people. They never bothered nor insulted me about my size. I don’t understand their language so there might have been instances of ridicule but I doubt it. I never felt any hostility from them, unlike the crap from my fellow Filipinos. I felt beautiful there. I noticed some whites and Thais eyeing me. I don’t get that reaction here. Now I am back to being ugly and I honestly don’t think I am.

We stayed for 4 days at the Royal Cliff Beach Resort in Pattaya, a 2-hour ride from Bangkok. Pattaya is ugly, it’s like Ermita or Olongapo with its red light district and stinking streets. The resort was a dream though. It’s so huge and beautiful. It’s really an oasis. What made the resort the best for me is the service. The thais really pamper their guests and they do everything with a smile. I also had a superb spa treatment there and it was heaven. Pattaya beach is not much to look at but the hotel’s beachfront is really nice. The resort even has a lift to take the guests down to the beach. I expected the water to be dirty cos it isn’t blue unlike Koh Samui’s but it was surprisingly clean. The sand was fine as well. Also, I didn’t feel embarrassed in my bathing suit.

We stayed at Indra Regent Hotel in Bangkok for 3 days. The service kinda sucked but it’s understandable since it’s a very busy hotel. Mom had us upgrade to a suite on the 2nd day cos the regular room made her uncomfortable. For me, the hotel is so-so but not really a big disappointment after Royal Cliff’s luxury. My only complaint is the thin walls and the very loud flushing of the toilet bowls. Oh, the shops near the hotel aren’t that nice either.

Shopping. We only went to a few suggested places like MBK (didn’t like it. It’s a gigantic Greenhills), Suam Lom Night Bazaar (great but very hot), the divisoria-like eskinita near Indra Regent, Pantik Plaza (for electronics but quite expensive), Central World Plaza (more high end which I liked cos I was able to buy a kick ass Irregular Choice shoes in my size), and the shopping arcade connected to our hotel. I didn’t buy much which I expected even before I left. I saw some nice clothes and shoes which don’t come in my size. The goods are really cheap in Thailand. It’s a shopping heaven for slender people.

Tours. In Pattaya, we went to Sriracha Tiger Zoo (also has crocodiles, elephants, and camels). It was okay except for the smell and the performing animals which broke my heart. Poor dears. In Bangkok, we took the City and Temple tour which was great except that I wasn’t feeling so well. We were supposed to go to 3 temples but I stayed on the bus on the 3rd because my feet were killing me. The temples were absolutely stunning! The government buildings are impressive too!

Feet. After the tour, I decided to try foot reflexology to ease the pain. I went to the massage place near Indra Regent. I chose the 300 baht foot reflexology and it was so great! A guy did the reflexology which surprised me a bit since there were a lot of female masseuse there. I was a bit embarrassed because I kinda felt I was treating Thais badly by making them pamper me. I also felt conscious because I was wearing a skirt (I think the guy saw my panty) and the fact that I have huge feet. I was expecting reflexology to be painful but it wasn’t. It felt really nice especially when they put a mentholated cream on my legs and feet. Things took a bizzare turn when the guy started to massage my upper thighs. I was observing the other customers and I didn’t see them get that massage. I remember thinking during that time that this Thai boy’s turning me on and I haven’t been touched as intimately as that for a long time. After the legs, I thought the session was over so I drank the complimentary hot tea, stood up, and thanked him. The masseuse told me to sit on his short stool though. I was stunned but I eventually sat there. He then massaged my shoulders, back, neck, and temples. I was really stiff since that was so unexpected. Other customers I saw leaving didn’t have that treatment. I was really pleased so when I finally stood up and paid my bill, I gave the boy a 100 baht tip. This incident made me yearn for a special guy who would treat me that nicely. I even cried on the last night because I felt that my special guy might be in Thailand. I also cried because I didn’t want to go back to being ugly again.

So there you have it. My Thailand experience. I have so much things to say right now. Recent developments in my life have left me feeling shattered but I said that my next entry will be about Thailand so I did just that. One step at a time, dementia. One step at a time and everything will be alright.

Ack. I still haven’t posted about my Thailand experience. I will after this entry…

I bought myself an ipod just a few hours ago. I told myself that I wouldn’t buy one since it’s just so expensive but I succumbed to it. At first I was thinking of buying a new cellphone but it’s really impractical. I already have a good phone, too big for my taste, but at least it works, it has a good camera and even plays mp3s as ringtone. I also thought about buying a PSP (which I said I will buy rather than an mp3 player) but it’s too big to take along. There’s also no warranty here. The thing I really wanted to buy was my friend’s imac. She was only selling it for 15k pesos but she changed her mind and it’s not for sale anymore. So I bought this since I didn’t want to always lug around my portable CD player and bundles of CDs. Plus, the player keeps on running out of batteries. Ah I am rationalizing things but this iPod (the 20 GB one) looks really nice. Quite heavy but I think this is a better buy than the 4GB mini iPod. Oh, I used the money I was able to save up from the Thailand trip. I wasn’t able to shop much there since the clothes are too small for me. I really hope this iPod is worth the money. I still feel bad for spending too much.

redesigning the template of WP is exhausting. i was going to write about thailand but i feel nauseous right now. i’ll try to do that tonight if i get to beat my sister to the computer. let me just say this though. I LOVE THE THAIS! okay. got to rest now.

Me and my family will be travelling to Thailand next week. We’ll stay in Pattaya for 4 days and Bangkok for 3. I’m excited eventhough we won’t be going to Koh Samui. I’ve never been to Thailand but from what I’ve read and heard, it’s really a beautiful place. I have doubts about Pattaya though. From the pictures on the net, the beach doesn’t look clean. And it’s not blue unlike the one in Koh Samui. I think the Philippine counterpart of Pattaya is the beaches in Batangas. Well, I’ll find out next week.

I’ve been in a terrible mood since last week. I think it was triggered when my mom said no to El Nido then Koh Samui. I felt so let down. Sure, that sounds really shallow but I’m emotionaly unstable so I can’t help it. I felt better after the weekend in Highlands but my temper still flares every so often. It’s not pretty but it’s a struggle to control.

Sometimes I wish I don’t have depression. This condition really sucks and it’s totally draining emotionally and physically. I wonder how it would feel like if I never had this. I bet my life would be totally different and I would be more sociable and pleasant. But I have no basis for comparison since I’ve had this since forever. Actually I am not sure if this is JUST depression. I’ve never been tested by a psychologist. I was just diagnosed as a depressive after a nervous breakdown and that was done by a psychiatrist. I’ve been through several shrinks already but all they do is prescribe medications so I think they’re not getting the entire picture. I feel like I have borderline personality disorder and I think I’m a classic case for it. I really need to find myself a psychologist who could diagnose me properly. I also need psychotherapy but I don’t trust the therapists in the Philippines. I went to one before and she said I was shallow. WTF? I thought therapists are supposed to be supportive. That bitch celebrity therapist made me feel more awful about myself. After that session, I never went back to her and I think it’s a smart move.

from ISAA

Without Measure
Special ISA Day 2005 Issue
www.withoutmeasure.com/special

The International Size Acceptance Association (ISAA) is pleased to announce that a special mini-issue of Without Measure, ISAA’s Official electronic magazine, is now online! The issue’s theme is tied to this year’s International Size Acceptance Day and ISAA’s new “Drop The Surgery, Regain Your Health” campaign.

Special features this issue include an interview with plus-size actress Darlene Cates (”What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” “Wolf Girl”), the meaning of International Size Acceptance Day, WLS survivor perspectives, special words of wisdom and more! Please check this out right now and feel free to give WOM your feedback.

Without Measure
Special ISA Day 2005 Issue
www.withoutmeasure.com/special

Best Wishes,
Allen Steadham

Allen Steadham, Director
International Size Acceptance Association
E-mail - Director@size-acceptance.org
WWW - www.size-acceptance.org