bury me in this dress

I celebrated my birthday with a few friends last November 26. A lot couldn’t come. It’s their loss. Hmmp. Here are some photos taken by Jenny.

great food. ate too much that i became sick afterwards

mmm cakes. but i r annoyed cos i had to buy a slice just to blow a candle

journal from jenny. tickets to london to follow daw

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Good gad I’m old! Thanks to everyone who greeted me. Because of you, the birthday didn’t depress me this year! I had a small celebration with some friends. I wish I could invite everyone but my budget won’t allow it.

I’m writing this entry in the hope of feeling better. I’ve been feeling depressed lately. Maybe it’s hormones or that my birthday is fast approaching. It could even be due to my biorhythm if it’s really true.

my biorhythm for today

Whatever the cause, I want to snap out of this and be cheerful again. I don’t want to drive away my friends. Believe me, nobody wants to be around depressed people. I think months before I would let myself wallow in misery but I want to believe that I have changed. At least in this aspect. I’m still me. Still a drifter, passionless, directionless, a disappointment to my mother but at least there are changes somehow.

Since I brought up my birthday, I don’t feel like celebrating it since I’m in this mood. Think about it, you shell out a lot of money to feed friends who are (hopefully) happy that you are a part of their lives, but during the celebration, you are thinking 101 ways to kill yourself. It would be better if it’s the other way around, friends spending on you because you are still alive. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that in the Philippines. Bah! I’m hoping that my gloomy mood will lift soon and I will feel like celebrating my birth date.

Today is his birthday! My gift for him is in the mail.

Last Thursday night I treated my staff to a catered party. It was simple. Just food, some booze, and the ever present videoke. I had high expectations because of the things that happened during the surprise party but it wasn’t my day. First, there was the stupid coup d’etat earlier during the day. Next, the awful traffic to and from my appointment with the shrink. Then before the party started, GMA declared a curfew. That didn’t matter though because I didn’t feel like partying much when Bishie brought his girlfriend to the party. That’s right. His girlfriend I’m unusually positive about that fact though. I think that’s the best thing for me since he’s our OJT after all and the fact that we have a 9 year age gap. Don’t get me wrong though. I am still attracted to him but at least now I know that hooking him in is next to impossible.

I was expecting my birthday yesterday to end crappy but it was totally the opposite. My staff threw me a surprise party at the office complete with embarrassing photo montage. I was really surprised and mom was so convincing. I went down to the 15th floor office and just blurted out “Bakit madilim dito?” but it never occurred to me that they were cooking up something the whole day. The thing that made it 100 times better is the fact that Bishie (you remember him?) was there and by the end of the night he dedicated songs to me, got my cellphone and email addy, had our photos taken, held both my hands at some point, and had me singing an awful duet with him (there was videoke). Well, booze was flowing and although I was perfectly sober, I doubt any of those counted since he was tipsy. Still, I was thrilled cos he’s so darn cute. I guess I can declare yesterday as one of my best birthdays. I’ll be celebrating again on Thursday night and I hope it’s just as thrilling

It’s my birthday today. Ugh. The big 3-Oh. I hate that number. I don’t feel that old yet and my friend said I don’t look 30 so that’s good. Still, I don’t feel like celebrating. I want to save money and there’s really nothing to celebrate.

This birthday isn’t too depressing compared to last year’s. I feel loved now especially since I reconnected with old friends. Of course, it’s not like before when we were younger and have the energy to stay out all night and drink too much booze. I don’t even drink liquor anymore.

A friend was inviting me earlier to go to Baguio this weekend. Maybe going there would do me good but I’m too lazy. I don’t want to travel 4 or more hours just to play cards with them. Besides, they’re all boys and I’ll just be reaffirming my role as one of the boys. That has got to stop but that’s always the case with almost all my male friends. Tsk. Not that I’m interested in any of them in THAT way. Yuck! It’s just depressing when I’m never seen as an object of affection or whatever.  So yeah, one of my birthday wishes is to finally have a love life. I’m not raising my hopes up though.

I’m going to get myself a DSLR for my birthday but I don’t know what to get. Rain recommended Nikon D40 so I read up on it and fount out it has no exposure adjustments. I’m not planning to be one of those who keep on upgrading their cameras. I think being able to adjust exposures will matter in the far future. Unfortunately, my budget is 30K…hopefully I’ll find a good camera for less than that amount. Throw me your suggestions, my photography freak friends!