bury me in this dress

I decided it’s time to announce it in public. I only told a few people last week why I would be undergoing a surgery not because I’m embarrassed by it but because I wanted the privacy. Last Thursday, I checked into a hospital because my blood sugar is high. The glucose resistance test the day before showed that I’m at the early stage of diabetes. The doctors need to normalize my blood sugar fast because I would be undergoing a lapband surgery the next day. I underwent many tests but everything quieted down come 10 PM. I was only awake a few minutes when the nurses transported me to the operating room the next morning. I don’t really know what happened during the operating room but my doctor said I was an easy case. I guess that’s good, right? Mom said the nurses wheeled me back to my room around lunch time but I was still asleep then. I was asleep pretty much of the day. Some relatives visited me but I hardly registered their presence.Saturday, Mom just settled the bills and clearances then we were home by 1 PM.

I got the lapband surgery for myself and for my mom. She said she wanted to see me thin before she dies. I had qualms about the surgery for a long time, mostly for my safety. But we found a good doctor who made me feel safe and that’s when I really started to consider getting it done. As I’ve said, I also did this for my own. I’m having difficulties with my weight and not just simple irritation. I can feel it affecting my health. The test results confirmed it and it’s really good that the diabetes was detected at an early stage. However, the surgery itself still has complications. Not so much as gastric bypass but the lapband could slip or perforate, etc. I have to be more careful now with how and what I eat and I am sure I will not always have the patience for that. I’m just praying for patience, self-discipline, and the ability to resist temptation because that’s all I have – prayer…also a thin band around my stomach.

I’ve been resting a lot lately so I don’t go online as much anymore. Being away from the internet made me realize who and what really matters. My family. They will always be there NO MATTER WHAT. I might find them annoying sometimes but they’re the ones I can turn to when I need comforting. My friends, online and offline, I hardly heard anything from. Honestly, this saddens me a lot but because of this, I rediscovered the importance of my family. Most of you guys don’t know me outside the internet but that’s my fault. I need detachment because that’s how I know how to cope. Maybe I should change that and actually befriend some of you. I dunno. To those who’ve I’ve let inside my life, I really value the companionship. It keeps the depression at bay. I guess what I’m saying is I need to spend time outside the internet. I am really at a loss as to how to go about that but I need to do that for myself. I really hope I can do that. The online world has been a crutch for so long.

And with this post I’m reclaiming the real purpose of this blog.

The other morning, my mother talked to me. She revealed that she has depression again and that I’m the cause of it. I don’t know how to take that news. It is devastating. I mean, who wouldn’t feel awful when you happen to be the cause of someone’s depression. But I know and understand where she’s coming from. I’m just drifting through life and she wants more from me. I just don’t know where to get the energy, motivation, or urge to become someone she can be proud of. She wants me to prove I’m worthy to be called her daughter and to do something so her depression wouldn’t worsen. The problem is, what she said to me is affecting me badly and how it’s affecting me will worsen her depression. It’s a lose-lose situation. So now my depression has been re-triggered but I’m trying not to blame my mom for this. I don’t want to blame myself either but that’s the better option than blaming mom. I am aware that I am lacking in so many ways but with regard to my depression, it was becoming manageable. Honestly, if the Zoloft I’m taking isn’t working, the news would have shattered me more and I probably would have started cutting again. But I’m not so I guess that’s the silver lining to this.

To my relatives who happen to read this, please don’t mention that I blogged about what happened. Mom told me not to tell anyone but I badly need a release. Please.

I’ve been feeling depressed these past few days. I would cry on and off because of the littlest things. I also feel disgusting, ugly, and fat. So I made an appointment early this week and got scheduled for Friday afternoon. There was no breakthrough during the session. The doctor said I should keep on taking 3 efexors a day and an additional 1 and 1/2 lithium for 1 week then up the lithium dosage to 2 pills a day on the second. On the third week, I need to get a blood assay test to check my blood plasma. I hope the added lithium will finally make me normal but I doubt it. I suspect I need a change of medication. Anyway, I noticed the doctor’s collection of singing bowls in his office and he taught me how to use them. It’s really nice and relaxing. I feel safe in his office too because of the way he decorated it. His approach to therapy is very holistic, you see. He even does pranic healing, dramatization, accupuncture, etc. I’m thinking of trying his pranic healing when I have the money for it. (more…)

Aria, I love you!!!

I miss my cat Aria dearly. She hasn’t come home for weeks but the neighbor’s maid said that she saw my cat in the hills, squatters area near my house. She also said that good cats do that when they are sick and want to die. I’m devastated.

Aria is my first cat. She helped me during my depressive stages just by being there as I cried. We were very close. She would sleep beside me most of the time. I even shared some of my food with her. Maybe it was a mistake when mother and I bought Vyolette. Aria felt threatened and she became mad at me. She ignored me and spent most of her times outdoor. Vyolette gave birth and we kept some of her children: Elmer, Barney, and Midnight. Aria must have felt that we didn’t want her anymore so she grew more and more distant. She never became friendly with the other cats.

Late last year, Aria refused to come home after giving birth. She neglected her litter and they died. We only saw Aria from afar and she became so thin. She probably wasn’t eating anymore. I told the maid to catch her so I could bring her to the vet. The doctor said there’s nothing wrong with her except malnourishment. I left her in the clinic for several days though. When we brought her back, Aria was pretty much her old self. Sweet, sleeping next to me, wanting to be stroked, etc. Before we left for Hong Kong last December 29, she was still her old self but when we came back on January 2, she was gone.

I don’t know how to make her come back. I miss her dearly but she doesn’t want to come home. Maybe she’s really dying like what the neighbor’s maid said. Still, I am devastated and I cried a lot earlier. I just want her to be with me again. I don’t want her to die. She’s not even old.

I’m writing this entry in the hope of feeling better. I’ve been feeling depressed lately. Maybe it’s hormones or that my birthday is fast approaching. It could even be due to my biorhythm if it’s really true.

my biorhythm for today

Whatever the cause, I want to snap out of this and be cheerful again. I don’t want to drive away my friends. Believe me, nobody wants to be around depressed people. I think months before I would let myself wallow in misery but I want to believe that I have changed. At least in this aspect. I’m still me. Still a drifter, passionless, directionless, a disappointment to my mother but at least there are changes somehow.

Since I brought up my birthday, I don’t feel like celebrating it since I’m in this mood. Think about it, you shell out a lot of money to feed friends who are (hopefully) happy that you are a part of their lives, but during the celebration, you are thinking 101 ways to kill yourself. It would be better if it’s the other way around, friends spending on you because you are still alive. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that in the Philippines. Bah! I’m hoping that my gloomy mood will lift soon and I will feel like celebrating my birth date.

So I went to my shrink this afternoon because of the worsening depression and some family problems. I was expecting that I will be weeping the entire time I was there. Surprisingly I didn’t because he was really being  ridiculous. I told him about my state of mind lately and about how I’m a big disappointment, etc. His answers were too funny. He said that yes, I may be a disappointment to some people’s eyes but I have my own standards too. I should just accept that people will always be disappointed with me. I’m chill compared to my family of workaholics. I should just accept that I’m “abnormal”. He asked me what I would be doing if I have no pressure from my family. I said that if I have lots of money and absolutely no pressure, I will probably just stay at home and chill and go out sometimes to pursue my hobbies and likes. But since I’m not rich, I want to marry a rich guy. He said that there are a lot of guys out there who are workaholic and wants a  low maintenance wife he can take care of. I told him that I want a hubby who won’t overwhelm me and just let me be free to pursue my interests. He said that guys like that are atypical, like 1 in 100,000. I told him I’m doomed to be a spinster then. Later on, he said maybe I have a chance if I marry a rich Chinese guy since they’re usually workaholic. He suggested that I hang out where those kinds of people usually go to. I have no idea where that is and what their interests usually are. So I asked him. He doesn’t know and only came up with “business”. Sheesh. But what he said cheered me up. He confirmed how abnormal I am and that I’m so different from my family. If I judge myself according to my standards, I wouldn’t be disappointed with myself and he is right. But the idea is so foreign to me since I’m surrounded by a clan of workaholics. We talked about other things and I stayed there for more than an hour. At least I got my money…erm my mother’s money’s worth.

I am feeling so low right now. You wouldn’t even be able to imagine how shitty I’m feeling. It’s really bad. I couldn’t talk about what happened because it’s personal but it involves a member of my family and some weirds which made me feel worthless. It just hurts so much but I feel guilty at the same time. Not that the guild would change anything. It just exacerbates the feeling and situation. If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog, you’ll know that I have difficulties dealing with things especially when it involves a certain family member. There’s only a few people in my family so make a guess. I won’t mention who it is though. That person’s words have the power to drive me over the edge sometimes. And I just don’t really know how to process it emotionally. I just don’t have the capacity in my psyche. I had no choice but to make an appointment with my shrink and I got lucky this time because he has an available slot for me for Thursday afternoon. I should feel a bit relieved but all sorts of feelings are gnawing me on the inside and I couldn’t describe it even if I tried. Added to this, she thinks I should just let go and give up my shrink, my anti-depressants, and my sleeping pills. She must be insane. If not for those, I’d be dead right now.

I went back to my OB Gyne this afternoon. Mom went with me this time. I told the doctor that I’m still bleeding but she gave me the choice of having a D and C (dilation and curettage) or not. I told her I want it done so my period would stop and I wouldn’t have stomach cramps anymore. She informed us that the ultrasound showed a thing uneven lining in my uterus. She doesn’t know what it is but she’ll know when she performs the D and C on me. It might be totally nothing but she wants to totally rule out cancer. I thought I will be confined then and there but she asked me when I wanted to have the operation. I honestly wanted to get this over with today but she suggested Monday instead and I just said yes. I would have to be admitted very early though. And not ingest anything after 2 am that day. According to her the procedure won’t take long and I would be asleep the whole time. At least I don’t have to worry about pain.

I’d be lying if I say that I’m not worried. I am. I’m still scared that it will be painful even if she reassured me that it won’t be. I’m also a bit worried about the ultrasound findings but I was praying for that. I’m insane. I don’t want to talk about it.

This menstrual cycle is driving me insane. I’ve been emotional because of the fucked up hormones. I was even in a terrible crying spell yesterday. But that’s how my life is. PCOS isn’t curable. I already have it bad with clinical depression but the PCOS makes things worse. I actually don’t mind the possible infertility. I can try to ignore the abdominal cramps, heavy and prolonged bleeding, the constipation, insomnia, and other symptoms. But what I hate most about this condition is how it affects my mental state. I really felt myself sinking into depression this cycle. It felt like my anti-depressants were nullified. Hell, to be totally honest, I started cutting myself again. I am really hoping that the D and C will finally make me feel normal again. Come Tuesday, I’ll know if it worked.

I’m feeling better now. I had awful vivid dreams mostly involving me crying but I guess I just needed a dose of American Idol to feel less glum. I failed to mention that I even called Crisis Line this morning. 6 am in fact. I think I woke the person who answered the phone. The talk didn’t help me much but it was suggested that I try the monthly gathering of depressives at Makati Med. I don’t feel like socializing though. I’ll give more thought about it first.

Ms. Plath, I’m sorry that I compared myself to you. It must have been insulting. Who am I anyway? I don’t even write poetry.

The gloom of Holy Week is getting to me. That and my fucked up hormones. It’s 6 am and didn’t even get a few minutes of sleep because my mind is playing with me once again. I’ve been mulling about my life and how much of a loser I am. I have nothing to show and be proud of. All of my ambitions never saw daylight because I squashed them early. I don’t know why I do it. I wish I knew so I can work on it.

Even my depression sucks. Maybe I would have more achievements if I were bipolar. But I’m stuck with the staring-into-space-doing-nothing kind of depression. Why didn’t I get the one that Sylvia Plath had? She was able to write moving literary pieces BECAUSE of her depression. I wouldn’t want to end up sticking my head in an oven but even if I did, I won’t have any legacy. Nothing to show except this crap of a blog. No awards, citations, or any kind of achievement. My work with ISAA is almost non-existent. If Allen accepted  my resignation before, my successor would probably doing a superb job. Well, ISAA is stuck with me and I pity the organization. They could have gotten someone better.

I hope this funk was just caused by Holy Week. I hate hate hate Holy Week. I’m not a Catholic but I’m forced to observe it because this country is predominantly Catholic. I’m not bashing Catholicism here. I just hate being forced into this depressing tradition.