bury me in this dress

I’ve been a really useless member of society for more than a week now. My depression is really severe and I haven’t felt this awful for years. I’ve been seeing a new psychiatrist. Her rates are really expensive and its putting a toll on my finances. But what can I do? I need to get better. I am fighting but the enemy has regained its strength.

I haven’t been going to work. I’m lucky because my mother understands my situation. Still, I feel very guilty for being a burden to her and our family business. Before I spew even more ugly perceptions I have about myself and turn this into an emo blog post, change topic.

My favorite form of escapism/”hold on sanity ” are Japanese dramas (doramas). I just finished watching Yankee-kun to Megane-chan and I liked it. Just a couple of minutes ago I watched “5 Minutes Before That” which is a series of short Japanese dramas. Two of them touched me that’s why I’m posting this blog. If you have a few minutes to spare, please watch them.

It Happened One Night

Last Fight

Thank god for Viikii.net. I’d probably just be sulking all day if I didn’t have my doramas to help me feel better.

I underwent a full battery of psychological tests a few weeks ago and I finally saw the results today.

The tests I took and some results

1. Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, Revised edition (WAIS-R)
   Verbal Score IQ – 100 average
   Performance Score IQ – 119 high average
   Full Score IQ – 108 average
2. Bender Visual Motor Gestalt Test
3. Draw a Person Test
4. Full Luscher Color Test
5. Thematic Apperception Test
6. Rorschach Psychodiagnostic Test
7. Myers Briggs Type Indicator (ENTP)
8. Millon Clinical Multi-axial Inventory III (MCMI-3)
   Clinical Personality Pattern/s: Depressive, Antisocial, Dependent
   Severe Personality Pathology: Borderline
   Clinical Syndrome/s: Anxiety, Dysthymia
   Severe Syndrome/s: Major Depression

I won’t include the full report here. What am I? Crazy? No cos the test said I’m not. However, I’m not very happy with the findings because most of the tests indicated I’m average. I want to be above average! But what can I do? That’s the brain I was born with. The full report is mostly gobbledygook to me though. Bleh.

Basically my cognitive abilities are enough to help me deal with life’s demands. Except that I have a tendency to act-out and to be impulsive. I display cognitive ambivalence under perceived pressure…whatever that means. I also have an active imagination and tend to fantasize when overwhelmed by pressure. I don’t agree with this. Escapism maybe but my imagination/fantasy skills are very much lacking. The test also confirmed that I have difficulty in sustaining concentration.

The part that struck me most about the result is this:

A pollyana orientation is gleaned … KJA expects things to blend perfectly and is likely to pour oil on troubled waters.

So I’m a closet optimist. Shoot me. But I totally do not understand that pouring oil on troubled waters bit. Somebody enlighten me, please.

The test says I am not aggressive. Well, yes and no methinks.

This battery of tests costs us 8,500 pesos. Ack. I’m lucky my family can afford the fee but what about those who need to be assessed but can’t cough up that amount? The state of psychology and psychiatry in the Philippines need A LOT to improve on. They should make consultations, tests, treatments, medicines, and such affordable.

And everyone who wants to run in politics should be required to take this full battery of psych exams! There. I’ve said my piece.

A few days ago, a psychiatric report on Senator Benigno Aquino III started circulating on the internet. The report, which was dated February 10, 1996, stated that the young Aquino was having depression and disassociation. It also indicated that he experimented with Marijuana and other pills. The report violates doctor-patient confidentiality. Regardless, the document has been proven to be fake.

Even if Senator Aquino had depression, he doesn’t have it anymore. And in case he does, so what? I have depression and I live normally. My mental faculties are intact. I can make sound decisions. The bottom-line is I can still function.

The black propaganda allegedly masterminded by the Nationalista Party is so rotten and I take this personally. They are perpetuating the myth that people who seek psychiatric help are nut-jobs. What they did has resulted to more stigma against Filipinos suffering from depression and other mental health problems. It’s like we’re back in the dark ages. Psychiatry and psychology are more progressive now when it comes to diagnoses and treatments that maybe the person sitting next to you has a mental problem but you are not aware of it because the treatment he’s taking is working.

That’s what we strive for, a life of normalcy. So I have to stand up against this abominable act, all for the sake of politics, because this has done more damage than they are even aware of!

Maybe I should form a party-list to defend people suffering from mental disorders.

I decided it’s time to announce it in public. I only told a few people last week why I would be undergoing a surgery not because I’m embarrassed by it but because I wanted the privacy. Last Thursday, I checked into a hospital because my blood sugar is high. The glucose resistance test the day before showed that I’m at the early stage of diabetes. The doctors need to normalize my blood sugar fast because I would be undergoing a lapband surgery the next day. I underwent many tests but everything quieted down come 10 PM. I was only awake a few minutes when the nurses transported me to the operating room the next morning. I don’t really know what happened during the operating room but my doctor said I was an easy case. I guess that’s good, right? Mom said the nurses wheeled me back to my room around lunch time but I was still asleep then. I was asleep pretty much of the day. Some relatives visited me but I hardly registered their presence.Saturday, Mom just settled the bills and clearances then we were home by 1 PM.

I got the lapband surgery for myself and for my mom. She said she wanted to see me thin before she dies. I had qualms about the surgery for a long time, mostly for my safety. But we found a good doctor who made me feel safe and that’s when I really started to consider getting it done. As I’ve said, I also did this for my own. I’m having difficulties with my weight and not just simple irritation. I can feel it affecting my health. The test results confirmed it and it’s really good that the diabetes was detected at an early stage. However, the surgery itself still has complications. Not so much as gastric bypass but the lapband could slip or perforate, etc. I have to be more careful now with how and what I eat and I am sure I will not always have the patience for that. I’m just praying for patience, self-discipline, and the ability to resist temptation because that’s all I have – prayer…also a thin band around my stomach.

I’ve been resting a lot lately so I don’t go online as much anymore. Being away from the internet made me realize who and what really matters. My family. They will always be there NO MATTER WHAT. I might find them annoying sometimes but they’re the ones I can turn to when I need comforting. My friends, online and offline, I hardly heard anything from. Honestly, this saddens me a lot but because of this, I rediscovered the importance of my family. Most of you guys don’t know me outside the internet but that’s my fault. I need detachment because that’s how I know how to cope. Maybe I should change that and actually befriend some of you. I dunno. To those who’ve I’ve let inside my life, I really value the companionship. It keeps the depression at bay. I guess what I’m saying is I need to spend time outside the internet. I am really at a loss as to how to go about that but I need to do that for myself. I really hope I can do that. The online world has been a crutch for so long.

And with this post I’m reclaiming the real purpose of this blog.

The other morning, my mother talked to me. She revealed that she has depression again and that I’m the cause of it. I don’t know how to take that news. It is devastating. I mean, who wouldn’t feel awful when you happen to be the cause of someone’s depression. But I know and understand where she’s coming from. I’m just drifting through life and she wants more from me. I just don’t know where to get the energy, motivation, or urge to become someone she can be proud of. She wants me to prove I’m worthy to be called her daughter and to do something so her depression wouldn’t worsen. The problem is, what she said to me is affecting me badly and how it’s affecting me will worsen her depression. It’s a lose-lose situation. So now my depression has been re-triggered but I’m trying not to blame my mom for this. I don’t want to blame myself either but that’s the better option than blaming mom. I am aware that I am lacking in so many ways but with regard to my depression, it was becoming manageable. Honestly, if the Zoloft I’m taking isn’t working, the news would have shattered me more and I probably would have started cutting again. But I’m not so I guess that’s the silver lining to this.

To my relatives who happen to read this, please don’t mention that I blogged about what happened. Mom told me not to tell anyone but I badly need a release. Please.

I’ve been feeling depressed these past few days. I would cry on and off because of the littlest things. I also feel disgusting, ugly, and fat. So I made an appointment early this week and got scheduled for Friday afternoon. There was no breakthrough during the session. The doctor said I should keep on taking 3 efexors a day and an additional 1 and 1/2 lithium for 1 week then up the lithium dosage to 2 pills a day on the second. On the third week, I need to get a blood assay test to check my blood plasma. I hope the added lithium will finally make me normal but I doubt it. I suspect I need a change of medication. Anyway, I noticed the doctor’s collection of singing bowls in his office and he taught me how to use them. It’s really nice and relaxing. I feel safe in his office too because of the way he decorated it. His approach to therapy is very holistic, you see. He even does pranic healing, dramatization, accupuncture, etc. I’m thinking of trying his pranic healing when I have the money for it. (more…)

Aria, I love you!!!

I miss my cat Aria dearly. She hasn’t come home for weeks but the neighbor’s maid said that she saw my cat in the hills, squatters area near my house. She also said that good cats do that when they are sick and want to die. I’m devastated.

Aria is my first cat. She helped me during my depressive stages just by being there as I cried. We were very close. She would sleep beside me most of the time. I even shared some of my food with her. Maybe it was a mistake when mother and I bought Vyolette. Aria felt threatened and she became mad at me. She ignored me and spent most of her times outdoor. Vyolette gave birth and we kept some of her children: Elmer, Barney, and Midnight. Aria must have felt that we didn’t want her anymore so she grew more and more distant. She never became friendly with the other cats.

Late last year, Aria refused to come home after giving birth. She neglected her litter and they died. We only saw Aria from afar and she became so thin. She probably wasn’t eating anymore. I told the maid to catch her so I could bring her to the vet. The doctor said there’s nothing wrong with her except malnourishment. I left her in the clinic for several days though. When we brought her back, Aria was pretty much her old self. Sweet, sleeping next to me, wanting to be stroked, etc. Before we left for Hong Kong last December 29, she was still her old self but when we came back on January 2, she was gone.

I don’t know how to make her come back. I miss her dearly but she doesn’t want to come home. Maybe she’s really dying like what the neighbor’s maid said. Still, I am devastated and I cried a lot earlier. I just want her to be with me again. I don’t want her to die. She’s not even old.

I’m writing this entry in the hope of feeling better. I’ve been feeling depressed lately. Maybe it’s hormones or that my birthday is fast approaching. It could even be due to my biorhythm if it’s really true.

my biorhythm for today

Whatever the cause, I want to snap out of this and be cheerful again. I don’t want to drive away my friends. Believe me, nobody wants to be around depressed people. I think months before I would let myself wallow in misery but I want to believe that I have changed. At least in this aspect. I’m still me. Still a drifter, passionless, directionless, a disappointment to my mother but at least there are changes somehow.

Since I brought up my birthday, I don’t feel like celebrating it since I’m in this mood. Think about it, you shell out a lot of money to feed friends who are (hopefully) happy that you are a part of their lives, but during the celebration, you are thinking 101 ways to kill yourself. It would be better if it’s the other way around, friends spending on you because you are still alive. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that in the Philippines. Bah! I’m hoping that my gloomy mood will lift soon and I will feel like celebrating my birth date.

So I went to my shrink this afternoon because of the worsening depression and some family problems. I was expecting that I will be weeping the entire time I was there. Surprisingly I didn’t because he was really being  ridiculous. I told him about my state of mind lately and about how I’m a big disappointment, etc. His answers were too funny. He said that yes, I may be a disappointment to some people’s eyes but I have my own standards too. I should just accept that people will always be disappointed with me. I’m chill compared to my family of workaholics. I should just accept that I’m “abnormal”. He asked me what I would be doing if I have no pressure from my family. I said that if I have lots of money and absolutely no pressure, I will probably just stay at home and chill and go out sometimes to pursue my hobbies and likes. But since I’m not rich, I want to marry a rich guy. He said that there are a lot of guys out there who are workaholic and wants a  low maintenance wife he can take care of. I told him that I want a hubby who won’t overwhelm me and just let me be free to pursue my interests. He said that guys like that are atypical, like 1 in 100,000. I told him I’m doomed to be a spinster then. Later on, he said maybe I have a chance if I marry a rich Chinese guy since they’re usually workaholic. He suggested that I hang out where those kinds of people usually go to. I have no idea where that is and what their interests usually are. So I asked him. He doesn’t know and only came up with “business”. Sheesh. But what he said cheered me up. He confirmed how abnormal I am and that I’m so different from my family. If I judge myself according to my standards, I wouldn’t be disappointed with myself and he is right. But the idea is so foreign to me since I’m surrounded by a clan of workaholics. We talked about other things and I stayed there for more than an hour. At least I got my money…erm my mother’s money’s worth.

I am feeling so low right now. You wouldn’t even be able to imagine how shitty I’m feeling. It’s really bad. I couldn’t talk about what happened because it’s personal but it involves a member of my family and some weirds which made me feel worthless. It just hurts so much but I feel guilty at the same time. Not that the guild would change anything. It just exacerbates the feeling and situation. If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog, you’ll know that I have difficulties dealing with things especially when it involves a certain family member. There’s only a few people in my family so make a guess. I won’t mention who it is though. That person’s words have the power to drive me over the edge sometimes. And I just don’t really know how to process it emotionally. I just don’t have the capacity in my psyche. I had no choice but to make an appointment with my shrink and I got lucky this time because he has an available slot for me for Thursday afternoon. I should feel a bit relieved but all sorts of feelings are gnawing me on the inside and I couldn’t describe it even if I tried. Added to this, she thinks I should just let go and give up my shrink, my anti-depressants, and my sleeping pills. She must be insane. If not for those, I’d be dead right now.