I am feeling so low right now. You wouldn’t even be able to imagine how shitty I’m feeling. It’s really bad. I couldn’t talk about what happened because it’s personal but it involves a member of my family and some weirds which made me feel worthless. It just hurts so much but I feel guilty at the same time. Not that the guild would change anything. It just exacerbates the feeling and situation. If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog, you’ll know that I have difficulties dealing with things especially when it involves a certain family member. There’s only a few people in my family so make a guess. I won’t mention who it is though. That person’s words have the power to drive me over the edge sometimes. And I just don’t really know how to process it emotionally. I just don’t have the capacity in my psyche. I had no choice but to make an appointment with my shrink and I got lucky this time because he has an available slot for me for Thursday afternoon. I should feel a bit relieved but all sorts of feelings are gnawing me on the inside and I couldn’t describe it even if I tried. Added to this, she thinks I should just let go and give up my shrink, my anti-depressants, and my sleeping pills. She must be insane. If not for those, I’d be dead right now.

I went back to my OB Gyne this afternoon. Mom went with me this time. I told the doctor that I’m still bleeding but she gave me the choice of having a D and C (dilation and curettage) or not. I told her I want it done so my period would stop and I wouldn’t have stomach cramps anymore. She informed us that the ultrasound showed a thing uneven lining in my uterus. She doesn’t know what it is but she’ll know when she performs the D and C on me. It might be totally nothing but she wants to totally rule out cancer. I thought I will be confined then and there but she asked me when I wanted to have the operation. I honestly wanted to get this over with today but she suggested Monday instead and I just said yes. I would have to be admitted very early though. And not ingest anything after 2 am that day. According to her the procedure won’t take long and I would be asleep the whole time. At least I don’t have to worry about pain.

I’d be lying if I say that I’m not worried. I am. I’m still scared that it will be painful even if she reassured me that it won’t be. I’m also a bit worried about the ultrasound findings but I was praying for that. I’m insane. I don’t want to talk about it.

This menstrual cycle is driving me insane. I’ve been emotional because of the fucked up hormones. I was even in a terrible crying spell yesterday. But that’s how my life is. PCOS isn’t curable. I already have it bad with clinical depression but the PCOS makes things worse. I actually don’t mind the possible infertility. I can try to ignore the abdominal cramps, heavy and prolonged bleeding, the constipation, insomnia, and other symptoms. But what I hate most about this condition is how it affects my mental state. I really felt myself sinking into depression this cycle. It felt like my anti-depressants were nullified. Hell, to be totally honest, I started cutting myself again. I am really hoping that the D and C will finally make me feel normal again. Come Tuesday, I’ll know if it worked.

I’m feeling better now. I had awful vivid dreams mostly involving me crying but I guess I just needed a dose of American Idol to feel less glum. I failed to mention that I even called Crisis Line this morning. 6 am in fact. I think I woke the person who answered the phone. The talk didn’t help me much but it was suggested that I try the monthly gathering of depressives at Makati Med. I don’t feel like socializing though. I’ll give more thought about it first.

Ms. Plath, I’m sorry that I compared myself to you. It must have been insulting. Who am I anyway? I don’t even write poetry.

The gloom of Holy Week is getting to me. That and my fucked up hormones. It’s 6 am and didn’t even get a few minutes of sleep because my mind is playing with me once again. I’ve been mulling about my life and how much of a loser I am. I have nothing to show and be proud of. All of my ambitions never saw daylight because I squashed them early. I don’t know why I do it. I wish I knew so I can work on it.

Even my depression sucks. Maybe I would have more achievements if I were bipolar. But I’m stuck with the staring-into-space-doing-nothing kind of depression. Why didn’t I get the one that Sylvia Plath had? She was able to write moving literary pieces BECAUSE of her depression. I wouldn’t want to end up sticking my head in an oven but even if I did, I won’t have any legacy. Nothing to show except this crap of a blog. No awards, citations, or any kind of achievement. My work with ISAA is almost non-existent. If Allen accepted  my resignation before, my successor would probably doing a superb job. Well, ISAA is stuck with me and I pity the organization. They could have gotten someone better.

I hope this funk was just caused by Holy Week. I hate hate hate Holy Week. I’m not a Catholic but I’m forced to observe it because this country is predominantly Catholic. I’m not bashing Catholicism here. I just hate being forced into this depressing tradition.

I went to my shrink last night at 9PM. Yes, PM. I think my doctor is good but it’s a big pain in the ass when it comes to scheduling an appointment with him. Anyway, he said that I do seem a whole lot better but not totally normal yet. I agree with him because I can feel it. I’m already taking the maximum dosage for Efexor. He wants me back on lithium to boost the effects of my anti-depressant. I’m scared of lithium. I really am. I read that if I accidentally overdose on it, I can die or have brain damage. Fucking scary! I know I said entries ago that I want to die but I don’t want that for me anymore. I hope the doctor will be able to find an alternative to lithium. He’s thinking of increasing my Efexor even if I’m already maxed but I think this is better than taking lithium.

I still feel depressed but I know it’s just because I’m bitter and sour graping about Bishie. I’m lucky when it comes to money, family, even friends sometimes. When it comes to romance, I’m a loser. I should feel blessed because I have it easy compared to most people but I do want some romance once in a while. I only had one boyfriend and that was almost 7 years ago. After that relationship, my love life went downhill. I could hardly even remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. I’m the one who dumped the guy so maybe what’s been happening to me is bad karma. The guy said I ruined his life. I doubt that I did because he had a lot of girlfriends after me. Feh…sometimes I think that I was a big slut in my past life and it’s my fate to be loveless this lifetime