bury me in this dress

I got back from the hospital this afternoon (technically yesterday afternoon since it’s the 16th now). The d and c was successful but I was awake throughout the procedure. The anesthesiologist decided to use spinal anesthesia instead of general anesthesia because he was worried that he’ll have difficulties waking me up. I wanted to be asleep during the d and c and since I wasn’t, I was terrified during most of the procedure. It lasted for like 30 minutes but I felt my OB poking around. Tsk. She sent a piece of me to the pathology lab. I’ll learn the findings on Thursday when I call her.

The anesthesia felt so weird. Well, not weird but more of annoying. It took 2 hours to wear off and I really couldn’t move my legs in the Recovery Room. There was a lady beside me in the RR. I don’t know what procedure they did to her but she began having chills after an hour and was crying the whole time. I felt sorry for her even though I was the one who had terrible chills right after my operation. She was an outpatient and I think she was forced to be confined because of the sudden fever. Poor girl.

I’m recuperating well although I think I caught an infection on my right ovary. It sometimes hurts and the lymph node on my right side of my neck is swollen. I have to rest for a week and not go up and down the stairs. I can’t carry heavy objects too. So I don’t know if I can go out to gimmicks even this weekend. I don’t really mind because I’m beginning to feel normal again.

I went back to my OB Gyne this afternoon. Mom went with me this time. I told the doctor that I’m still bleeding but she gave me the choice of having a D and C (dilation and curettage) or not. I told her I want it done so my period would stop and I wouldn’t have stomach cramps anymore. She informed us that the ultrasound showed a thing uneven lining in my uterus. She doesn’t know what it is but she’ll know when she performs the D and C on me. It might be totally nothing but she wants to totally rule out cancer. I thought I will be confined then and there but she asked me when I wanted to have the operation. I honestly wanted to get this over with today but she suggested Monday instead and I just said yes. I would have to be admitted very early though. And not ingest anything after 2 am that day. According to her the procedure won’t take long and I would be asleep the whole time. At least I don’t have to worry about pain.

I’d be lying if I say that I’m not worried. I am. I’m still scared that it will be painful even if she reassured me that it won’t be. I’m also a bit worried about the ultrasound findings but I was praying for that. I’m insane. I don’t want to talk about it.

This menstrual cycle is driving me insane. I’ve been emotional because of the fucked up hormones. I was even in a terrible crying spell yesterday. But that’s how my life is. PCOS isn’t curable. I already have it bad with clinical depression but the PCOS makes things worse. I actually don’t mind the possible infertility. I can try to ignore the abdominal cramps, heavy and prolonged bleeding, the constipation, insomnia, and other symptoms. But what I hate most about this condition is how it affects my mental state. I really felt myself sinking into depression this cycle. It felt like my anti-depressants were nullified. Hell, to be totally honest, I started cutting myself again. I am really hoping that the D and C will finally make me feel normal again. Come Tuesday, I’ll know if it worked.