I’ve been emotionally unstable for…I don’t know how long cos it just feels like forever. However, I became more unstable when I attended my cousin’s wedding last Sunday afternoon. I didn’t want to go. I don’t really like weddings because the one that might have really mattered to me became a failed marriage. I also think they’re a waste of time and effort, what with having to get all dolled up even if the spotlight is only pointed at the bride. I had to attend this wedding though. My cousin asked me to take photos of his event because he was asked to write about it for a newspaper and a magazine. So I did go as a favor for him even if I was reluctant.

I expected a grand, lavish wedding so I was surprised at how few guests were in the church. I thought they would have invited more since they could afford to splurge on this momentous occasion but I guess they wanted to have a solemn one. The bride looked stunning in her simple wedding down. The groom, my cousin looked dapper in a black suit. What really mattered is how they looked at each other. The love couldn’t be missed. It’s so obvious in their eyes. The couple cried quite a lot during the ceremony but I didn’t expect that I would have tears in my eyes too.

It was during the exchange of vows. I don’t remember the exact words but what the bride said really twisted my heart. It was beautiful and sincere. She said something about them being travel partners and how they would take care of each other forever, support each other, never leave each other’s sides. I cried because of it was truly touching. I also cried because I know I would not find a person who can be my life partner. I will never be able to make my mother happy with a marriage, my marriage, because I don’t see that ever happening to me. People keep on saying that it will happen to me, that my time will come someday. How can I convince them that even my heart believes it’s a hopeless case? It’s a gut feeling and there’s a finality to it. That I have no other choice but to accept? Maybe my friends and family are just denying this inevitability. Or perhaps they are just trying to comfort me. I know what my future holds though and I cannot be comforted and I don’t really want to. I want everyone to just accept that because I don’t want my marriage to add to the growing list of disappointments because of me.

Marriage isn’t meant for everyone. I want it to be meant for me but it’s not in my genetic makeup. I’m fucked up. I have so many baggages. If I were a product, I’d be damaged goods. Nobody wants someone like that for a life partner. I wouldn’t want me as a life partner even. I could hardly take care of myself so how can I take care of a husband, a family? It will be unfair to him even if I do manage to find someone dumb enough to want to be with me. If ever I get blinded by love and agree to get married, how long will the magic last? 1 year? 2 years? After that, we’ll just be another pair to add to the growing number of separations and divorces. That is not going to happen. I won’t allow it to happen. It doesn’t even look close that something like that will happen because I’m already 30 and there’s no man in my life right now. But why does that make me so sad?